I Was a Good Girl

I was a good girl tonight and just got home from the gym. Some days it is so hard to get motivated to go. Especially tonight at the snow is falling, the wind is blowing and the wind chill tonight is -32 F. Brrrr! But I went anyway, and I am glad. It takes a lot of stamina to keep going to the gym. It's hard to keep that motivation in your mind. But I have to keep plowing forward toward 199! I have work to do and must keep my eye on the prize.

Lately I have been catching my image in the mirror and thinking, who is that skinny chick? It's weird how all the sudden you just notice a different silhouette. Little by little my shape continues to change and since it is constantly changing it seems as if just when I get used to what I look like, it changes. I can't believe the transformation. So much more to do!

In The Kitchen

I decided to do some cooking on this cold, snowy day. I made homemade meatloaf and mashed potatoes for Sunday night supper and leftovers to get me through a good portion of the work week. I never know what my band is going to tolerate. I had a nasty PB episode at lunch on chicken and noodles--something that didn't bother me when I ate it last week. Now this week, not so much. The meatloaf and taters went down just fine tonight. It was so delicious I probably ate a little too much! I find it interesting that homemade foods tend to go down the best, and the crap I used to eat--convenience foods and fast foods don't go down so well. It's poetic justice. Some people might think I am crazy to be able to eat things like meatloaf, but it's all about portion sizes and chewing, chewing, chewing. I know a lot of people rely on protein drinks, etc. but I don't use them. I am able to get enough nutrients in the foods I choose.

This lapband thing is such a personal journey, while each of us basically has the same equipment, we all have different anatomies and food tolerances. How ever you manage to do it, it's all about calories in and energy expended at the end of the day. I am glad that I can still enjoy a good variety of foods. Of course there are a few things that just don't go down well any more, but I am glad that I can still enjoy things like the yummy meatloaf I fixed for myself tonight. Guess I must be doing something right to have lost 100 pounds. But there's always more work to do!

I've Lost 100 Pounds!!!!!

I did it!!! Today was the day the scale finally gave me 203, officially giving me a total pre-op/post op loss of 100 pounds. I did it! I did it! I can't believe it, a triple digit loss from my high of 303. This is a BIG day. I am feeling a little emotional about it, both good and bad. Like one minute I am shouting it out from the roof tops and the next minute I am feeling like I could cry. Saying that number out loud, 100 pounds, is insane. Other people can claim it...but me? Me? Really?

I don't believe it is true. I feel like my body and mind are still playing catch up. Losing 100 pounds is a huge transformation--it has to be, but yet sometimes my mind just cannot wrap itself around the changes, even if I look at pictures and see the difference. I love reading the blogs and seeing the progress others have made and their transformations, and yet sometimes I think I have blinders on to my own transformation, like it is somehow skewed by years worth of denial about how I truly looked. It's going to take a long time to trust that I have the ability to be "normal". How do others see me? Does the reflection I see in my head match what they are seeing? Sometimes I wonder.

What a great day and another wonderful milestone fulfilled. I am so proud of myself and so glad that I made these changes in my life. I have so much work to do yet, but I thank God for every wonderful step towards becoming a new, better version of me. Thanks to all my wonderful blogging friends too, it's so nice to have someone to share all this craziness with. Next stop onederland!

Fun Friday Night

Some co-workers and I went out for drinks and dinner tonight, what a fun way to end the week and start the weekend. I invited a co-worker...nice, single guy to join us. It only took me an hour to get up the nerve to ask him, lol. I have no expectations about us, but it was just nice to know that I have the ability to approach a guy and say "hey, wanna go out for a drink." I still have so much work to do with my self esteem and believing that I can survive in the world of dating but I am making progress. Some times it is hard to think about how much work I have to do in that area of my life. I realize more and more each day that I wasted so much of my life being invisible. I didn't want anyone to notice me and I didn't make any effort to get to know anyone. I was always so afraid of rejection that I never even allowed anyone to get close, thereby assuring that I couldn't get hurt...in theory sure, but in the long run I did get hurt, by my own choices to push people away. I still have hard time believing that someone could be interested in me. One of these days I might believe it...I hope.

Not Yet...But Soon

I stepped on the the scale, ever so hopeful to see 203...drum roll please...nope, not yet. Awwww. Guess I have to be patient. Did I ever tell you that patience is not my strong suit? Well, I have been continuing to eat well and last night I did 3 miles of Leslie Sansone's Walk Away the Pounds, which always kicks my ass. I can really feel my thigh muscles today. I really thought that today would be the day I saw 203, but it just isn't ready to show itself yet. Soon. In the mean time I am so glad to keep hanging on to 204. Quite respectable. Until tomorrow...

Still Waiting and an NSV

It's my usual Tuesday night routine. I went to the gym and had a great workout on the ellipticals and the weights. Got good and sweaty again. Then it was back home for a little bit of supper and then watching the latest episode of The Biggest Loser.

I had an NSV the other day. I donated blood and as part of the process they check your cholesterol and let you look up the results online. I was so pleased to see that it was actually below 200 for the first time ever! I checked in at 196, which is considered a normal total cholesterol level. Woohoo!

Finally, I am still patiently waiting to see 203. I have been holding steady at 204, and every morning I step on the scale just waiting to see that brand new number. Maybe tomorrow! And if not tomorrow, I know it will be very soon.

Nothing Special

Just checking in today, nothing special to report I guess. I shoveled snow and then went to the gym this afternoon for some exercise. I still see 204 on the scale which is awesome...99 and counting! I wasn't sure it was here to stay, but so far so good. Can't wait to see 203 and celebrate 100! Hopefully that will happen this week. I don't want to jinx myself, too often I have seen the scale head the opposite direction when I get a little too cocky, lol. That's about it from my corner of the world.

Yippee for Friday and a New Number...Again!

Well, here's the update for the week. I did mushies for a few days and that really helped to make my band feel better. I went back on regular food for supper tonight and all is well. Plus, going on mushies for a few days helped the scale move! I actually saw 204 this morning! I hope it will stick! It came so quickly on the heels if 205, I am not sure I can trust it just yet. Been doing good on exercise, trying to squeeze it in when I can and I have been getting to a higher intensity at the gym, meaning some real sweat inducing cardio workouts. I am happy that Friday and the weekend are here. I am ready to relax and enjoy some down time.

Thank You Mr. Scale! 205!

Oooh, I am jumping for joy! This morning on the scale I saw 205...twice...because of course when you first step on the scale you never believe the number, so you always step on it again to make sure you saw what you thought you saw. Please stick! Just two little pounds until 100 lost! I was expecting it to happen in February...but maybe...just maybe...could it happen in January? 11 days left in the month to lose 2 pounds is very doable. I hope! Can't wait to see 203 and beyond. OMG, all the sudden being in onederland seems so real...I didn't think it would ever happen. I'm not sure I will believe it when I see it.

Day One of Mushies

I was really good today and only ate mushies and tried to keep portion sizes kinda small so that I didn't irritate things. Even at breakfast this morning my yogurt hurt just the slightest bit, so I am am definitely in need of some TLC for a few days. If things don't improve after that I will give my doctor's office a call. But I am hoping a little good behavior will make things better. Today I had yogurt, applesauce, soup and cottage cheese chewed really well. So far so good, just the slightest twinge of tightness in my left shoulder area.

Just got done with a 50 minute fat burning session with my Leslie Sansone Walk Away the Pounds DVD. Wow, did that kick my ass! My thigh muscles are burning right now. On the DVD I have there is are 1,2 and 3 mile walks. I did the 3 mile tonight! I thought I would mix things up a bit. The gym routine was getting a little dull, so I thought I would try a little fat burning with Leslie. Whew!

Self Imposed Mushies

I have been hurting a little bit lately, I think I may have angered my band this past weekend and things are feeling a bit irritated, kinda feels like the ache you get after a fill, like things might be a bit swollen. So I am putting myself on a few days of self imposed mushies to see if that helps things feel better. I think the two culprits were Tator Tot Casserole and homemade brownies. I think the combination of these two foods over the past week have been a little too dense and stuck a little too tight in the old band. My coworkers laugh at me because when my band is irritated it makes my shoulder hurt, which feels better if I hold it over my head. So I sit in the break room at work saying my stomach hurts and raising my hand like I am waiting for the teacher to call on me. They make fun of me, LOL. So I went to the grocery store and stocked up on mushies and will give it a try to see if things improve.

97 Pounds Gone!

OMG, I am inching ever closer to 100! This morning the kind scale gave me a 206, just 3 more pounds to 100 pounds gone and 7 little pounds to onederland! I hope this losing trend continues, February could be a momentous month!

The first part of the month seems the hardest, and then all the sudden mid-month things seem to kick into gear. So far for the month I am down 4 pounds, which is respectable and follows my familiar pound a week trend. Slow and steady wins the race, right? I wish my weight loss wasn't so manic...or perhaps I wish I wasn't so manic, LOL. If you read my blog it is a constant battle to quiet the negative little devil on my shoulder. One day I bitch and moan about the scale not moving and then I shout from the rooftops that it did. Eek! What a drama queen! So glad when the scale cooperates!

January Progess Picture

Well, here's the monthly progress picture! I am at 207 pounds right now, which is awesome. Each progress picture I take I see such a new person emerging. In this picture I am noticing that I am getting much more straight up and down, and less curvy in a good way. Since my stomach and hips and getting smaller I feel like my boobs are getting bigger. Ha ha. I also notice that my arms hang down straight, rather than out away from my body and I can stand with my knees together.

I remember several years ago when I was probably at my heaviest, it was my graduation from grad school. I had my graduation robe on and so all you could really see was my feet and we were taking pictures. I remember feeling embarrassed because a family member said "stand with your feet together, more ladylike". I was standing like I always did, legs apart because of my chunky thighs and standing with legs wide to support my immense weight. There's nothing "ladylike" about 300 pounds. You know it's little memories like that one that stick with you over a life time. What should have been a great day of celebration was a little over shadowed in my mind by that comment. Innocent enough, it still sticks with me 7-8 years later. I wonder how many other comments or seemingly innocent incidents happened along the way stuck like that? Hundreds...maybe thousands? And you wonder why your self esteem is in the crapper? Like pebbles in a stream, collecting there one after another. The first one isn't so bad, maybe the tenth one isn't so bad but pretty soon all those pebbles collect to create a dam and eventually the dam burst and let out all these feelings. Whew...another mental health session here on the blogs.

I feel more feminine now and less like a big fat blob. I love the progress pictures, it gives me a chance to keep on working through the body image issues. I am slowly seeing a better version of me, inside and out. :)

Forgive Me Bloggers...For I Have Sinned

I ate a simply delicious Dairy Queen Reece's Peanut Butter Cup blizzard today...all 760 calories of it. OMG, that is a lot of calories. So many in fact, that I am planning on skipping supper tonight to make up for it. That puts my calories for the day at about 1600. Not bad considering such a fall from grace. Wow, the old me would have had that and full meals for the rest of the day. I don't think I really realized how many calories I ate in a day as my fat self, I would suppose 2500-3000 a day? Maybe more?

I gotta tell you though, the first few bites were wonderful. I couldn't shovel them in fast enough. But honestly by the bottom of the cup I was actually feeling a little sickly from sugar shock. I just had to let myself have this one craving, and now I need to get back on the wagon. I did some shoveling this afternoon for a little exercise. I may also bust out my Leslie Sansone Walk Away the Pounds DVD tonight to mix things up a bit. Life goes on!

I Will Go To The Gym...

Ok, I am sitting here trying to convince myself to go out in the cold and go to the gym. Why is it such a mental battle to go! Ugh. I have my clothes on, shoes on and ready to head out the door, but I keep watching just a few more minutes of TV.

Update...I did finally go to the gym! I did an hour long workout on the elipticals, recumbent bike and the weights. I'd like to think that I am actually gaining some muscle from my workouts. I can definetely feel the difference in my stamina. I work out harder and at a better pace to keep my heart rate up in the cardio level. Now I am sitting at home relaxing in my recliner and drinking a big old glass of cold water to quench my thirst. Ahhhhh. I feel so good that I went. Now to motivate myself for tomorrow...

TMI...Let's Talk About Bowel Movements

I wonder if this happens to other banders out there? Look away now if you are squeamish!

My bowel habits have changed so much after surgery. I suppose it makes sense, less volume in...less volume out. I used to be pretty regular, usually once a day in the AM. Now I am lucky if I poo about once every 2-3 days and when I do it seems as if I am pooing the full length of my colon, LOL...I warned you...TMI! Ever watch Me, Myself and Irene...the scene where Charlie/Hank poops on the neighbor's lawn and then the screen fades to someone getting soft serve chocolate ice cream? Yeah, that's what it is like for me now.

Another reference from pop culture...comedian Ron White's line fits me all too well lately. "Ever take a crap so big your pants fit better?" I don't feel constipated necessarily, it's just that my body seems to hold onto it until I poo all at once for the week. Wonder if I need more fiber? I think I do pretty well most weeks. Or perhaps this is just a new way that my body is functioning. No cause for alarm, just one of those things that gets you thinking. Sorry if this was too personal of a subject, but I did warn you ahead of time. LOL.

Yea for 207!

Yippee skippee! I saw a new number on the scale this morning...twice! (Of course you never believe it so you step on the scale again a few minutes later to see if it is still there). I saw 207 this morning. Woo hoo! Why is it that when you stop obsessing and just live that the weight comes off so easy? If you try to will it off your body the scale will play crazy mind games with you. So lately I have just been trying to eat right and get in a little exercise. In fact I think I may have been restricting calories a wee bit too much and the scale stalled out a little last month. I also notice that usually mid-month, the pounds start to come off. It's got to be a hormonal thing. Anyway, I am so glad to say that I am inching closer to 100 pounds lost. Just 4 to go!

Tuesday Night Routine and More Babbling

Watching the Biggest Loser is my usual Tuesday night routine. I am always so amazed by their weight loss amounts in one week. It is so insane and not at all like the real world! This week it was amazing to see Courtney get under 300 pounds. I see her 300 pounds and I think...that was me a little over a year ago. What an incredible amount of work it is to lose a single pound, let alone nearly one hundred.

Sometimes I think I am way too hard on myself. I get so wrapped up in the number of the moment and I don't realize that my loss of 95 pounds is stellar. It's just that I have more work to do and so it seems like I can't afford to stop and celebrate. I also think that sometimes in the deep dark recesses of my mind I don't trust it. I keep thinking that all this work will disappear. (Yeah, could it be the yo-yo effect of weight loss and gain over the past two decades?) My sister has been talking to me about someone she knows that had lap band surgery, lost at first but eventually failed and gained it back. There are also bloggers out there that I follow that have experienced the same thing. I feel like I will never be rid of the slippery slope of a food addiction. Perhaps I never will and that is just something that I need to come to terms with--but learn how to manage it instead of fear it.

I shared the before and after picture I posted on my blog the other day with some co-workers, family and friends. Some of them actually gasped aloud, lol. I guess I really have changed and I need to start seeing that more clearly. Several said, I never saw you as being "that fat". I totally understood where they were coming from, as I saw myself through such a warped lens too. I just need to soak it in and appreciate the slow but steady changes. I have so much potential for 2011, I just need to keep doing what I have been doing. It's working and I have been successful for one of the longest stretches of time in my entire life. Yes, I still have work to do and I am a total work in progress (and ALWAYS will be!!!!) and that's just fine with me.

Snow Shoveling Calorie Burn

Well, I didn't make it to the gym today, instead I shoveled for over an hour again--and I am not done yet! This morning it was my driveway, and tonight it was my brother's driveway. He is recuperating from a minor surgery and so lifting is off limits. So, me being the sweet sister I am, shoveled for him. Now that I am home I see the plow buried my mail box and I will need to go out and uncover it. Ugh, I am tired of winter. Suppose I should open up the end of the sidewalk too. The ridge left by the plow is hard packed and about hip high. This is not going to be fun. Just think of all the calories burned though, right? In other news I actually saw 208 on the scale two days in a row--I am a little leery and I am not sure I trust it, but we are definitely headed in the right direction. Hope it will stick and not creep back the other direction.

Have I Changed Much? Awesome Picture!

Ran across an old picture I had taken for use on an old weight loss blog I used to keep. Thought it would be fun to put the same clothes on. WOW! What a difference! It is such motivation for me to take these comparison pictures. You sometimes don't see the changes until you look at a picture and really scrutinize.

My legs are actually getting "skinny" and although I can feel this difference, it wasn't until I saw this photo I really believed it. I think I lost at least two chins, maybe three. My arms are still a bit flabby but they are are looking better all the time! Scale is still at 210, but I just need to keep at it.

Losing Inches

Well since the scale hasn't been very cooperative lately I thought it might give me some incentive to know that I am losing inches. So I thought I would take a minute to compare some facts and figures. I kinda lost track of some of the starting numbers, but ran across them again on a previous blog I had once started. So here's some awesome numbers:

Waist Then: 48
Waist Now: 36 (-12)
Bust Then: 42
Bust Now 37.5 (-4.5)
Hips Then: 54
Hips Now: 43 (-11)

Total Inches Lost: 27.5 inches!

So even if the scale is not giving it up right now, I know that I am a hell of a lot smaller than I used to be. Be patient, dear...this plateau shall pass. One day I shall see 208!

Awesome Workout NSV

Had a great workout tonight. I went immediately after work. I decided I like the 5 0'clock gym crowd better than the 8 o'clock crowd. The 5ers are more serious about their workouts, the 8ers are more about what they are wearing and how cute they look. Tonight there were finally a couple of chubby girls at the gym! Thank goodness I felt so out of place with all those super skinny people. I was starting to get a little self conscious, lol.

I had an NSV at the gym last night, I realized that my thighs don't rub together as much as they used to! Don't get me wrong, they still have plenty of flab, but it's better than it used to be. I have had quite a few moments lately where I have been more cognizant of my changing size and shape. Little things like fitting into chairs or the bath tub or the way that I sit and cross my legs, or how I get in and out of my car. It's like I am just becoming more aware of taking up a little less space in the world. There is still so much work to do, but by golly I am making progress! Hope to see 208 on the scale soon. Scale has been kind of fickle, but I'd like to think that I am building muscle right now with my steady gym workouts--yeah, let's go with that explanation. I like that.

New Season of Biggest Loser!

I am so ready to get the kleenex out, because I know the stories that will unfold on BL tonight will probably make me cry. The personal stories of the struggles of obesity hit home so closely that I feel so empathetic for each contestant. So looking forward to the new season!

SIze 16...Woo Hoo!

On a whim this morning I tried on a pair of pants I had been saving from some bargain purchases I had made this fall. Hello size 16 pants! They fit with room to spare! That's amazing. I don't even know when I fit in something that "small". High school, junior high school? Love those NSV's. Only bad part at the moment is that I am hiccuping and sliming as I am writing this post. Apparently multi-tasking while eating my breakfast was a bad idea! Have a super day all!

Sweating...It's a Good Thing

Just got home from the gym and I really worked up a good sweat. Did 25 minutes on the elipticals, 15 minutes on the recumbent bike and 20 minutes on the weights. I really had to convince myself to get out of my recliner and go to the gym. I wish I had a magic pill that made me always want to eat right and want to exercise with reckless abandon. But alas, I have yet to find a pill that gives me will power.

I saw a tiny glimpse of 209 on the scale today, but I am not sure it will stick around. I know my eating had been a little screwed up with the holidays. I am going to try to be a little better about no snacking and listening more to my band. Lately I tend to get tight after a bite or two then sort of force the foods down, knowing I need to eat just to get my caloric needs. Sometimes it backfires and I slime and other times I feel like I am cramming food down and that can be a bad habit, leading to overeating. I still have to think about eating right every single day, ever reminding me that the band is not a miracle cure, but just a tool I need to use to the best of my abilities.

Weigh In Day

Well, it's my official first of the month weigh in day. On the good side, I lost 4 pounds last month, as I am sitting at 210 pretty steadily. Unfortunately, I had seen 209 for a short few days, but it disappeared. So I will take 210 as my official number to start the month and the year. Overall that's 93 lost, and 67 since surgery. I am hoping January is good to me, but I can really feel that every pound I lose from here on out I am going to have to fight for. It makes sense really, I think there has been a huge change in my caloric needs and my metabolism over the past year and it is going to take some time for my body to adjust again. That's all part of the game.

I spent 1 1/2 hours shoveling snow this morning after our New Year's blizzard. The plows haven't come yet, so I am sure I will be back out there when they pile a huge ridge of snow at the end of my driveway. Already have a blister on my hand from this morning, so this is not going to be fun. Wish a had a snow blower...better yet the man that goes with it! LOL.