Struggling a Bit

Well, the scale reads 202 this morning. Better than it was a few days ago, but still higher than a month ago. I had seen 197 once...ahhhh, if only I could get back there. The weather has not been cooperating with walking outside (yeah, I know that is no excuse). I have been addicted to ice cream and potato chips lately. I just feel out of whack and I can't seem to get motivated. I have been avoiding getting a fill because I am so darn tight in the morning, but I realize now that the volume and types of food I can eat later in the day defenitely point to needing a little tweak. I haven't had a fill since November, so that has been a good long stretch. So this week I plan to call for an appointment.

I realize that my band did not miraculously change my relationship with food. I still struggle every day with good choices. I don't want this little slip to turn into a big problem. I need to keep the big picture in mind, I have made great progress so far--even with a gain, I still have lost a total of 101 pounds. I will see onederland again, I just need to refocus. Life will settle down eventually and I can concentrate on me again.

When It Rains, It Pours

OK, so last month I lost my job. I have gained about 5 pounds and lost onederland. Now today, out of the blue I got a call from a realtor who was representing my landlord. She called to tell me they are selling all their rental properties, my house included. So now not only am I jobless I will soon be homeless. Are you freaking kidding me? Oh my.

I had started on the 4 day pouch test this morning, and got through lunch but when my day fell apart after the phone call from the realtor I said screw it. Anyway, it turned out OK. I had supper with Hottie in a Uniform and he let me vent for a while. We are going on a weekend trip together next weekend. I am so excited...and a little freaked out too. LOL.

The Lost Get Found!

Well, I certainly have been missing from these pages lately. My life has been in such a whirlwind. Lots of changes, both good and bad. The not so good...I have been eating like crazy. Bad stuff like ice cream and chips and dip. Very much of it has been emotional. I haven't been very consistent about exercise either. So needless to say the scale reads 204 today. Ugh! What happened to onederland? I will blame just the slightest bit of it on TOM being here this week, but I still have no excuse. I just can't seem to get back on track. That scares me a bit. I don't want the scale to creep up any further. I don't think I need a fill, because I really feel tight in the morning, but maybe getting a slight fill would kick things in emotionally as well as physically for me. I will have to think about that. I think that rather than risk an overfill, I should just try to get my eating habits back on track, so maybe a 5 day pouch test would help. In other news things are progressing slowly but well with Hottie in a Uniform. I don't want to jinx it, but things are going well and I have great hope for the future. :) I know for sure that I need to get back into my blogging habit as it helps me to focus my thoughts. I kinda went on a little weight loss vacation for a while there, but after a year and a half of constant weight loss, perhaps I needed a little break.

Picture Post

Here's a progress picture just for shits and giggles. No particular reason to celebrate, as the scale has plateaued at 198. But I just felt like looking back at two years and 105 pounds ago.

Mine Field

It's so hard to be positive and want to work on weight loss right now. But I did go on my daily walk yesterday (Thursday). Unfortunately I am writing at 3:30 AM as the insomnia monster is visiting me tonight. Not sure why I woke up, but the minute I did my mind started racing and pretty soon I was wide awake and stewing. My life is so unbelievably out of my control right now. I am so stressed out and so unsure of every move I make. I am worried about my job prospects, I am sad  (and jealous) to see my coworkers dropping off like flies as they get new jobs and move on to new things. Not to mention trying to nurture a fledging relationship in the midst of all the chaos and being deathy afraid I am screwing it all up. For a girl who has lived a lifetime of battling low self esteem this is like standing in the middle of mine field and in one direction it is choices involving my personal life, in the other direction it's choices about my professional life and I don't know which way to step. I am so scared. I can't seem to see the light at the end of the tunnel right now in any part of my life, and that is a very uncomfortble place to be.

Logging the Miles

Went for a walk tonight, it was such a gorgeous night. That was the only good thing about today. Life really sucks right now.

Walking Again

Just checking in as promised...I walked 2.25 miles today and did well on calories. No ice cream either! LOL. But there is a pan of caramel rolls in the freezer just calling my name to be baked. Just say no!!

Walking!!

I was such a good girl today walking at lunch time and also before supper tonight for a total of 4.5 miles. Woohoo! I also made very good choices today for meals, really being aware of the portion sizes. Day two of my May goals successful! You go girl!

Spring Cleaning!!!!

Spring cleaning! Goodbye fat clothes forever! My closet is minus the following: 14 pairs of capris, 1 skort, 1 skirt, 2 dresses, 50+ shirts (yes I said 50!), 3 pairs of pajamas, 2 lounge pants and 20 pair of baggy underwear...how wonderfully freeing!!!!! (And there's still more to go!) Now what in the world am I going to wear this summer? I predict a shopping spree!

But don't worry I saved back a few pieces for posterity sake including:

• Size 30 Jeans
• 3X Red Shirt
• 3X Grey Sweatshirt
• Size 28 Black Capris
• Size 13 Underwear

I have "before" pictures with me wearing each of the things listed above. So I set them aside in a box and marked them my Fat Clothes Time Capsule. Let's leave that box closed for 100 years, LOL.

P.S. I went for a 2 mile walk today. It was so freakin windy I got in a heavy duty workout just trying to stay on the ground.

It's Official...My First Net Gain

Well, it comes as no surprise to me that during the month of April I had a net gain for the first time since July 2009 and the start of my weight loss journey. It was just one little pound of a net gain for the month from 198 to 199, but it is still a gain. I know exactly how it happened...several pints of Blue Bunny Bunny Tracks ice cream, dozens of snack size chocolates from the office candy jar and an all out disregard for the types of foods I ate throughout the month. It can also be attributed to a lack of regular exercise. Add that on top of the stress of being laid off at my job and the nervousness of starting a romantic relationship. I can honestly say that weight loss took a back seat this month. But you know what? I'm OK with it. If there was ever a month that I "deserved" a little break from reality this was it. But now I have some work to do!

Yesterday I found 3 pairs of capri pants at the local thrift store and they fit but just are just a smidge too tight. So my goal is to make them fit more comfortably this month. I love the fresh, clean slate of a new month so for May it's time to set some goals!

1. No more ice cream, chocolate, etc. It's a bad habit that needs to be broken. Stop eating your feelings!
2. Walk/exercise EVERY day this month rain or shine, shooting for a goal of 60 miles for the month. I will keep track of miles logged each day.
3. Think about your food choices, only eat things that fuel your body! Get back to basics.

So let's forget about April and concentrate on May. Here's to a new start again!

I've Been Eating My Feelings and a Progress Pic

Well, there hasn't been much progress, but I still thought I better post a monthly progress pic for April. Here I am at 198. I have bouncing all around the scale this month and I know exactly why. It's been a tough month on lots of fronts and to be honest I have been "eating my feelings" all through April. I also haven't been exercising much and feeling down right sorry for myself. So I better get my act together. I really just hope to stay under 200 and eventually I hope I can get back to losing and working toward my goal of 175. At any rate, here's the progress pic for April for posterity's sake. Boy, do I need to go clothes shopping and find some stuff that actually fits!

Count Your Blessings

I had a very profound experience tonight. I was feeling rather sorry for myself, because granted, it's been a tough week. I was contemplating walking to the grocery store for a pint of ice cream. I was rationalizing the ice cream with the walk rather than driving. So I put my tennis shoes on and headed out the door. The farther I walked the better I started feeling. At a corner, I met a woman who was walking home from the grocery store with her bags. She had a very noticeable limp. I smiled at her and said hello. Then she said to me "I sure wish I could walk like you." I was dumbstruck. I said yes, it certainly is a blessing. And she wished me a good night, and I said the same. I wasn't two steps past her when I absolutely burst into tears and proceeded to cry for another half mile. I asked God to forgive me for my recent complaining and woe is me attitude. I kept walking and never did go get that pint of ice cream. I feel so terribly selfish for my recent pity party. I am so blessed and I need to take this bump in the road as a small and temporary inconvenience. God bless that woman with her groceries. I thank God for giving me some perspective tonight.

Thanks for the Advice!

Thanks for all the kind words of encouragement and advice ladies! You all rock! I know I will survive this and I just have to believe that I will make the right decisions for my life--both personal and professional. I tried to get out of my pity party mood and I went for a nice walk tonight--but the bad part was a walked to Taco John's, LOL. But I guess if I was going to have tacos for supper at least I worked off a few calories to get them. And in full disclosure, I ate a pint of ice cream over the weekend. Yeah, I'd say I still have issues with emotional eating. Better put the kybosh on that. The scale says 197, so it hasn't moved much lately. Down a pound for the month. But I would say this has been an extrordinary month. Still time left to work on things though.

Major Life Changes

Well, this week has been an unbelievable shock. Facing major funding cuts, my employer announced a drastic reorganization plan this week. I knew there were cuts coming, but I had no idea the extent of the changes. So on Tuesday of this week I was given a letter stating that my job no longer existed (read...your fired). The reorganization will close dozens of offices across the state and we will now be creating seven regional centers. If I want a job I have to re-apply for it with no guarantees of getting hired. And oh by the way, the closest regional centers are 100 miles away from where I live. There have been lots of tears, anger and worry. If (and that's a big IF) I get rehired will I have to move? Will I commute? Is that even feasible? Should I look for something else? I'm polishing up my resume and trying to come up with answers.

Of course those of you who read my blog know that my life has just started to get interesting with Hottie in a Uniform. Now with these impending job changes it has thrown a monkey wrench in all of that. Life is so unfair. I need to pay the bills, so staying gainfully employed is a priority, but for the first time in my life I want to make my personal life a priority. What in the world will I do. It is so unfair. Two months ago I would have said, just give me a job wherever and I will move. But now, because of Josh and I want to stay here and find out if we have a future. Oh I wish I had a crystal ball. Our relationship is too new to ask those kind of life changing questions. But I have hope that maybe we have a good thing going and that could change my life in such a different direction.

Of course when you are handed a shock like that, it's easy to "eat your feelings" so exercise and eating right have been far down the priority list. Right now it's all about survival. Sometimes that means having a brownie sundae for supper. It has been a terribly emotional week, as I worry not only about myself but all of my friends and co-workers who are also trying to pick up the pieces from this week's shocking news. It's been a rough week and I am afraid there are many trying days ahead.

Holding Pattern

Where have I been? Wow, it seems like I really took a break from blogging for a while. Guess that's cause there isn't really much to report. Things in life seem to be ever so average right now. Scale is mostly steady with just a little fluctuation between 198-196. I think I am just sort of content to sort of sit still for a while, and my eating and exercise habits are showing it. Things with Hottie in a Uniform are also slow but steady. I feel like everything is just stalled--not good or bad, just in a holding pattern. We did have dinner together on Friday night and that was so nice. I'm out of town a few days this week and then maybe we can get together again at the end of the week...I hope! :)