I've Been Eating My Feelings and a Progress Pic

Well, there hasn't been much progress, but I still thought I better post a monthly progress pic for April. Here I am at 198. I have bouncing all around the scale this month and I know exactly why. It's been a tough month on lots of fronts and to be honest I have been "eating my feelings" all through April. I also haven't been exercising much and feeling down right sorry for myself. So I better get my act together. I really just hope to stay under 200 and eventually I hope I can get back to losing and working toward my goal of 175. At any rate, here's the progress pic for April for posterity's sake. Boy, do I need to go clothes shopping and find some stuff that actually fits!

Count Your Blessings

I had a very profound experience tonight. I was feeling rather sorry for myself, because granted, it's been a tough week. I was contemplating walking to the grocery store for a pint of ice cream. I was rationalizing the ice cream with the walk rather than driving. So I put my tennis shoes on and headed out the door. The farther I walked the better I started feeling. At a corner, I met a woman who was walking home from the grocery store with her bags. She had a very noticeable limp. I smiled at her and said hello. Then she said to me "I sure wish I could walk like you." I was dumbstruck. I said yes, it certainly is a blessing. And she wished me a good night, and I said the same. I wasn't two steps past her when I absolutely burst into tears and proceeded to cry for another half mile. I asked God to forgive me for my recent complaining and woe is me attitude. I kept walking and never did go get that pint of ice cream. I feel so terribly selfish for my recent pity party. I am so blessed and I need to take this bump in the road as a small and temporary inconvenience. God bless that woman with her groceries. I thank God for giving me some perspective tonight.

Thanks for the Advice!

Thanks for all the kind words of encouragement and advice ladies! You all rock! I know I will survive this and I just have to believe that I will make the right decisions for my life--both personal and professional. I tried to get out of my pity party mood and I went for a nice walk tonight--but the bad part was a walked to Taco John's, LOL. But I guess if I was going to have tacos for supper at least I worked off a few calories to get them. And in full disclosure, I ate a pint of ice cream over the weekend. Yeah, I'd say I still have issues with emotional eating. Better put the kybosh on that. The scale says 197, so it hasn't moved much lately. Down a pound for the month. But I would say this has been an extrordinary month. Still time left to work on things though.

Major Life Changes

Well, this week has been an unbelievable shock. Facing major funding cuts, my employer announced a drastic reorganization plan this week. I knew there were cuts coming, but I had no idea the extent of the changes. So on Tuesday of this week I was given a letter stating that my job no longer existed (read...your fired). The reorganization will close dozens of offices across the state and we will now be creating seven regional centers. If I want a job I have to re-apply for it with no guarantees of getting hired. And oh by the way, the closest regional centers are 100 miles away from where I live. There have been lots of tears, anger and worry. If (and that's a big IF) I get rehired will I have to move? Will I commute? Is that even feasible? Should I look for something else? I'm polishing up my resume and trying to come up with answers.

Of course those of you who read my blog know that my life has just started to get interesting with Hottie in a Uniform. Now with these impending job changes it has thrown a monkey wrench in all of that. Life is so unfair. I need to pay the bills, so staying gainfully employed is a priority, but for the first time in my life I want to make my personal life a priority. What in the world will I do. It is so unfair. Two months ago I would have said, just give me a job wherever and I will move. But now, because of Josh and I want to stay here and find out if we have a future. Oh I wish I had a crystal ball. Our relationship is too new to ask those kind of life changing questions. But I have hope that maybe we have a good thing going and that could change my life in such a different direction.

Of course when you are handed a shock like that, it's easy to "eat your feelings" so exercise and eating right have been far down the priority list. Right now it's all about survival. Sometimes that means having a brownie sundae for supper. It has been a terribly emotional week, as I worry not only about myself but all of my friends and co-workers who are also trying to pick up the pieces from this week's shocking news. It's been a rough week and I am afraid there are many trying days ahead.

Holding Pattern

Where have I been? Wow, it seems like I really took a break from blogging for a while. Guess that's cause there isn't really much to report. Things in life seem to be ever so average right now. Scale is mostly steady with just a little fluctuation between 198-196. I think I am just sort of content to sort of sit still for a while, and my eating and exercise habits are showing it. Things with Hottie in a Uniform are also slow but steady. I feel like everything is just stalled--not good or bad, just in a holding pattern. We did have dinner together on Friday night and that was so nice. I'm out of town a few days this week and then maybe we can get together again at the end of the week...I hope! :)

Quality Over Quantity

I have noticed lately that my eating habits have changed so much. I am beginning to choose so many new and different foods. Today I was too lazy to pack my lunch--hey it's Friday I needed a break. So that means I had to go seek out lunch in the tiny town I work in--very few choices to pick from and even fewer that are healthy. So at the gas station, my choices were pizza, cheeseburgers, polish sausage or a cold sandwich from the refrigerator case. I bypassed the coronary-inducing choices of my past and headed for the ham and turkey on marble rye. Me eating marble rye? Wow, that's something this white bread eating girl wouldn't have chosen in a previous life. But today I find myself looking for foods that are extremely tasty. Because I know that it's not about volume, rather it is about eating good food that satisfies me. What a difference from the past 3 decades of my life when food was not about enjoyment, but rather it was how fast I could consume it and then go searching for something else to inhale.

Oddly enough, I have been slowly introducing a little bit of bread back into my diet. I guess I just missed it. Some days I can tolerate it, other days, not so much. I am eating extremely slowly which helps. I can usually handle about one slice, so often I will deconstruct my sandwich and eat the middle. I am holding pretty steady on the scale, a slight increase this morning back to 197 after holding at 196 for a few days. Still quite acceptable.

New Number!

So happy to see 196 on the scale this morning. I am definitely better at losing at the beginning of the month and then I usually get stuck in the middle and panic at the end that I haven't lost, or that I fluctuated. Must have helped to be sick and not really feel like eating much. I am also so happy the weather is finally getting decent outside. I have been trying to walk whenever the temperatures permit it. It just feels so good to get fresh air in my lungs. I am just 11 pounds from being simply overweight, how awesome is that! Gotta keep trying to get those pounds to disappear. So glad spring is here, it just seems so much more hopeful and doable--different foods, more opportunities for outdoor activities and more sunshine/daylight to get it all done it. Awesome!

Oh Phooey!

Well, date night got canceled last night. That's the breaks of dating someone in law enforcement I guess. He ended up wrestling with a guy and even tore his uniform. So so much for our night out. I suggested he wrestle with me instead, LOL. Anyway, I am sure he will find a way to make it up to me. In other crappy news I am catching a cold or bronchitis. Last night I had a fever and woke up several times sweating so bad the sheets were damp. My voice is all squeaky this morning almost to the point of laryngitis. So that doesn't make me very kissably attractive to a potential date, LOL. So not my best weekend. So the plan for today is lots of soothing liquids and rest. On a positive spin, the lovely scale finally gave me back the 197 I had seen a few weeks ago! Yippee!