Friday, December 31, 2010
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
It may take a little extra time to gain back some of my self worth. I think I was living so miserably for so long that I didn't even realize how many of those feelings I was stuffing inside and not talking about. Now with every pound of fat that is gone I feel like I also have to rid myself of a pound of mental baggage that I have been carrying. Whew! That's hard work. I sure hope that one day my mind will catch up with my body. So tonight, even though I know I am 90 pounds lighter, I still have a few pounds of baggage to shed.
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Sunday, December 26, 2010
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
I am feeling like a total bloated whale today, so I am almost afraid to look at the scale, 'cause I am guessing that for the next few days the scale is gonna be all over the place thanks to my lady hormones. Isn't that just an absolute joy to deal with? Can I hear an amen! Up until today I had been holding steady to 209, we will see what tomorrow's number will look like--just gotta keep perspective, that number is not real weight gain and it will hopefully right itself in a week or so.
Monday, December 20, 2010
I had dart league tonight and we had a Christmas potluck, wow is it hard to not overdo. Everything was so yummy. I ate a little too much and my band hurt all night, that'll show me! But it was all those wonderful dips and appetizers and meat and cheese trays, all the wonderful stuff you only eat a few times a year. Overall, my plate was pretty sparse compared to previous years, but for my new little stomach, I overdid it just a wee bit. All told, I think my calories for the day were on target and the shoveling will help a lot.
I am feeling a little fickle about success lately I guess. Every once in a while I hear story about someone who has failed at weight loss surgery and gained their weight back. I hope and pray I am not one of those people, but I sometimes feel like someone (me) is going to pull out the rug from under me and all this progress will disappear. I think there are several issues at play here that are not lap band related, things that I have sought therapy for in the past. Self esteem issues, not feeling good enough, looking for validation, all that garbage. I have a few other life issues right now that are stressing me a bit, and I think when that happens, I tend to "run home to mamma" and in this case that is using old behaviors ingrained in my brain, such as seeking comfort food.
I just need to sort out my feelings here, and I suppose my blog is a good place to do it. It's interesting how long it really takes to change behaviors and patterns in your life and how easily it can be to slip back into them. I guess the difference today, is that I recognized it and and I am trying to figure out why it happened and I won't let it slip me up. OK, self so here's a pep talk. One cookie is not going to kill you and it's OK if people see you eat one and you don't need to explain to anyone what you are eating and why--only you need to know that. At the end of the day you are the one accountable for your calories. You have made a huge change in your life and it shows by the 90+ pounds gone off the scale, so get over your cookie from this afternoon and move on.
Second thought here, why did I want the cookie? Was I bored? Hungry? Craving sugar? What made me want it? I think I was a little hungry. Perhaps I haven't been allowing myself enough calories. I have been really trying to lose this month, and I think perhaps I am limiting my calories a bit too much. I also know that because I am feeling good restriction right now, I am not getting as much food down as I have in the past. Maybe I need to plan for a healthy mid afternoon snack and that way the cookies won't get to me. I have been trying to eat just my 3 meals a day, per my surgeons plan for success. But maybe I need to think about a low cal mid day pick me up. I have upped my calorie burning with more exercise this month, and perhaps my body is trying to tell me, give me some fuel! Good thoughts here, so glad I am learning to work through this stuff rather than fall back into old patterns. The old me would have had 3-4 cookies and then had a full supper and a snack later. Learn from it and leave it behind.
Saturday, December 18, 2010
Friday, December 17, 2010
Slow and steady weight loss is a good thing, but boy can it drive you crazy as you get so wrapped up in one pound at a time you can easily forget the accumulative effect that each of those pounds adds up to. Like right now, I am totally obsessed with the next 9 pounds, but I forget that I wouldn't even be here if I hadn't lost the 94 pounds prior to that. What an amazing journey this has been, some days I still feel like this is somebody else's life.
Thursday, December 16, 2010
Here's the upside, I am very happy with weight loss so far this month, I am already down 4 pounds and it is only half way through the month. So that is going well. But I sooooo want to see 209 on the scale. That is the only reason I want to go to the gym because I know that will help me get there faster. But I cannot get my ass out of my chair. Some days your mind is your biggest enemy.
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
So here's the pictures you've all been waiting for of me and my huge pants! This was my pre-op picture, I am at about 285 pounds in a 3X shirt and size 30 jeans.
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Monday, December 13, 2010
I learned something about myself tonight...I am worth something. Being the fat girl my whole life, I do not have much experience with relationships---ok let's be totally honest with you, my blogging sisters, I am 38 and this is the first one for me. Yep, there I said it. I was a total virgin up until about 2 months ago. For a long time I was embarrassed about that, another hurtful part about being overweight much of my life. I was missing out on so much. No boyfriends in high school, no prom, no first kiss, no dates in college. How could anyone like me when I couldn't like myself at 300 pounds? One of my favorite movies is the 40 Year Old Virgin--perhaps because I could relate so well to it. I am happy to say that eHarmony guy was at least good for one thing...as I can say I checked one thing off my bucket list before I turned 40!
What I realized tonight was that I deserve more from life. It's ok for me to have hopes and dreams and to not settle for a guy because I am living in fear that another one may not come along who could love a fat girl/former fat girl. There is an unbelievable amount of baggage there that I need to deal with and I think I am doing it a little tonight. It's OK to want more, and to ask for what you need.
Ha ha, I just thought of something, I suppose losing my virginity is an NSV...perhaps it is the NSV of all NSV's! Better mark that one down on the list of lapband accomplishments. I will shout it from the rooftops, I don't care who knows. Weight loss helped me get laid for the first time...and the second...and the third. Here's to a whole lot more opportunities to get laid!
Sunday, December 12, 2010
When you band is working it is so "easy" to lose weight. I have awesome restriction since my last fill and going to the gym has really helped too. I love it when things are going right...shhh, don't want to jinx myself! It's an awesome month so far, down 4 pounds already and over half a month to go. Hope I can keep it up.
Saturday, December 11, 2010
In other news, I braved the cold to go to the gym this morning. Had a nice workout for about an hour. Even made it to 20 minutes on the ellipticals! Woohoo! This afternoon I am headed out on the road to see my eHarmony friend...friend with benefits...sweetie...honey...significant other...that guy who texts me every day? Hell if I know how to define what we are doing, but at any rate I am off to see that guy, LOL. I hope it's a good day. :)
Friday, December 10, 2010
I had a good workout at the gym again tonight. Worked out on the ellipticals for 15 minutes, which is a new high for me, I am slowly working up my stamina on those. Also did combination walk/jog on the treadmill and then finished with weights. I am so glad I joined the gym, it will keep me working in the right direction.
Thursday, December 9, 2010
I have been really good about getting to the gym---hey do you think that exercise might have something to do with the scale moving? Amazing concept huh? I can taste the two-oh's...as in 209, 208, etc. and then it's not far off from onederland. Crazy!
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
I tried to tell myself that I wasn't going to have any, but after being in the same meeting room with the same people droning on hour after hour, I just craved it. So I started with one Kiss, then one more, then another then the person next to me had a cookie and I could smell the sweet yummyness. You know the cookies I am talking about...the super soft frosted sugar cookies that they typically sell at Wal-Mart. I've been known to eat whole packages in a weekend. So now I am sitting here getting myself geared up to back out in the cold to go to the gym. I would much rather sit in the warmth of my recliner, but I know I have to push myself...ugh!
Update...just got home from an hour workout at the gym. I feel so much better knowing I got in some physical activity today. It was a good workout, lots of cardio and more weight training. I am even getting better on the ellipticals, they are getting a little easier every time I get on them. Woohoo! So glad I got moving. Hope I start to see the scale move, been on 213 for a while now which is awesome, but I am ready to see 212!
Ooh..wait I forgot one more thing. I did some thrift store shopping today and I am so excited to say I found 3 sweaters, very cute brand name stuff and in great condition for the grand total of, get ready for it...$6.36. Awesome! Already have them in the wash so I can wear one to work tomorrow. One of them was a 1X and the other two were XL's. Awesome!
Monday, December 6, 2010
But wow, it isn't until I gained a little perspective that I realize that 200 can feel "skinny" after you've seen 300. But it's all relative, because I may think 200 is skinny, but compared to someone who is 150, it is still fat. Eek! It's like a damn riddle. There are days I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror and think, "wow look at you skinny!" But put me up against some rail thin model and I would feel huge. Figuring out how to make the image in the mirror match the image in your head really takes some doing. So do I fantasize about being thin? I don't think so, because I have never known thin. It's unattainable, something I can't wrap my head around. So instead I would say that I fantasize about being "average" whatever that means. Just to have someone look at you and not judge you by the fat suit you are wearing, instead to just look at you and say she's average.
Sunday, December 5, 2010
Saturday, December 4, 2010
Friday, December 3, 2010
I had a membership one other time and I really did enjoy using the stuff there. Now I see they have added more new equipment too, including a stair climber. Now I just need to get into the habit of going on a regular basis. I think getting more physically active will help in several areas. Number one it will help to stave off those winter doldrums and it should kick my weight loss in high gear again, helping me to get to onederland that much quicker! So I am excited for 5:00 o'clock to come today and I can head out to try out all the new equipment tonight. Maybe I will find some muscles I forgot I had.
Thursday, December 2, 2010
It is so awesome to keep marking off each accomplishment. This lapband thing is a long and slow process and sometimes you can get so stuck on one pound at a time, but when you add them all together it is awesome. What a huge difference this has made in my life. I can't imagine why I waited so long to help myself. I think of some of my friends who are fat and miserable and their health is failing and I just want to slap them in the face and say save yourself! I would not trade my lapband experience for anything in the world.
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
There are lots of milestones to hit this month, as I will be celebrating my bandiversary on December 15. Watch for upcoming pictures featuring my largest size pants and what I look like in them today...woohoo! They are just 5 sizes larger than what I wear now. That's insane. Another milestone I hope to see in the next few days is a 90 pound total weight loss. I can't wait to see 213 on the scale. Once I hit that I will be sliding ever so much closer to the big ones in the next month or two (cross my fingers)...100 pounds gone and onederland! I am just bursting with anticipation.
I really need to kick it in the ass when it comes to exercise though, I know that would help me reach my goals quicker, but wow I am struggling to get motivated to do any sort of physical activity. Since it is the first of the month I should give myself a little mini challenge here. Might have to think on that and report back tonight. I will work on that.
Monday, November 29, 2010
Sunday, November 28, 2010
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
- That was a piece of cake.
- He's a bad egg.
- I'm as cool as a cucumber.
- I've got bigger fish to fry.
- She's nutty as a fruitcake.
- It's as easy as pie.
- I'm a couch potato.
- Take it with a grain of salt.
- Don't spill the beans.
- Go bananas!
- He thinks he's the big cheese.
- That's the way the cookie crumbles.
No wonder I have food on the brain all the time. LOL. Just a random thought for the day.
Monday, November 22, 2010
I know I have been getting a little lax on my band rules so it was good to discuss some strategies with Kristin. It gave me some new things to work on. I am glad that I am going to be a little tight over Thanksgiving too. Hopefully that will be a good deterrent to stuffing myself. Leave the stuffing for the turkey, thank you very much.
I was actually surprised, as much as I have been bitching about not losing (and potentially gaining) in November my nurse said that I had lost 12 pounds since my last fill on August 17. That's actually an average of 4 pounds per month which is quite respectable. It's just been this last month that has freaked me out. So I am glad to be filled and I hope I find my sweet spot again!
Friday, November 19, 2010
I just got off the phone with my doc's office and scheduled a fill for Monday. I soooooo was not recognizing that I needed a fill. I realize now I was getting into a diet mentality. I was not letting my band tell me I was satisfied. Duh! I hit such a brick wall this month and I was getting into bad thoughts about that dirty "D" word...dieting. I am not on a diet!
I also forgot how to eat as a lap bander--protein first so you feel satisfied and not hungry. I need my sweet spot! Stop using your brain so much and use the tool that the surgeon placed inside ALONG with your brain--together they are a powerful force! Thanks Band Groupie, you are wise beyond your years!
Thursday, November 18, 2010
I am also contributing a few pounds of gain to starting the Pill this month. That isn't helping anything both physiologically and hormonally and I know I have some water weight and some hormonally guided eating choices. It also doesn't help that there is a holiday next week and we know how food is often the centerpiece of those family gatherings.
I have been reading up on the 5 day pouch test, I am sure you've seen this. It's a way to sort of "reset" your band. I am sooooo thinking that this may be a needed action step. I am cringing at the fact that I may not have a loss this month. I do not want to write that down here on my blog. So I guess I need to figure out how to wipe out these 5 pounds in the next two weeks. I would even be happy with just getting back to 216, which I started the month off with. A one pound loss would be awesome. For the first time in over a year I am really at a loss of how to make my body do what I want it to do. For the longest time all I had to do was listen to my band, and right now it's just not helping me out. Then again, my brain isn't helping me much either...I could definitely make better choices. Let's be honest, based on the food you have been throwing down your throat lately, it's not your band that is failing...news flash...it's YOU.
So starting this morning I am drinking water like it was going out of style, trying to flush my system a bit and maybe get rid of some water weight. I am going to try very hard today to only eat extremely healthy choices. No junk food, no chocolate, very little carbs and lots of high quality protein. This is a tough month and the clock is ticking to rid myself of these extra pounds.
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
All these years I thought I had a round face, but suddenly I am beginning to see a more square or oblong face. Oh my, it is good to look at these photos and really see the difference. Part of it makes me happy to see the transformation, but I also have a slight twinge of sadness as I see so many years of a life lived at "less than". I wasn't happy for many of those years, and while I may have filled my life with work, travel and other things, I was truly empty inside. Thank God for the ability to change my life. What a gift the lap band has been to me. I have more work to do and I can't wait to add another row of pictures to my collage.
Monday, November 15, 2010
I was hungry and made some bad choices for lunch...so bad I am not even going to tell you what I ate as it is embarrassing what I succumbed to picking up at the local truck stop. Let's just say they don't have the healthiest food choices and in the small town I work in the choices are very few. I get into a lot of trouble when I don't plan ahead. So to make this work week 10,000 times more challenging, I have work meetings 4 days this week and 3 have catered meals and one is probably eating out at the local greasy spoon or ordering pizza. What a food mine field! Then of course next week is the holiday that we not only stuff the bird, but we stuff ourselves...Thanksgiving. Oh my, this month may be my first non-loss or even a gain in more than a year. I have really got to kick things in gear.
Saturday, November 13, 2010
Friday, November 12, 2010
In some other not so good news, the scale and I are having quite a battle. I don't know what has triggered it, but the scale is sitting at 220 this morning, that's a 4 pound swing since the first of the month. At this rate I may have a gain instead of a loss for the month. That's scary. I don't know what I need to do, but I have to do something to nip this in the bud.
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Monday, November 8, 2010
Sunday, November 7, 2010
Saturday, November 6, 2010
All in all, life is good though and I have no complaints. I waiting for some laundry to dry and then I am headed out to see my E-Harmony friend to do something fun tonight. Not sure how exactly to define our "relationship". Friends? Friends with benefits? Dating? Yeah, I don't exactly know what kind of a label to put on it, or if it even needs to be labeled. Just hoping to have some fun. All I can say is that dating is definetly a NSV of my weight loss and I just need to enjoy every moment of it! :)
Friday, November 5, 2010
I can't even imagine buying a size 16. I have never in my adult life worn anything that size. The top I am wearing is a 16/18 or 1X. I have a cute new sexy bra on underneath too, that makes my girls perky. And I gave myself highlights earlier in the week. I was just feeling good today and decided to share it with the world. Still lots of work to do, but what an awesome feeling to see the progress. Hoping all my blog buddies feel the same way, take a photo of yourself and enjoy the progress you are making every day! :)
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
I used to think that eating well meant a lot of extra preparation and I realize now that it is actually pretty simple. I just need to keep good foods in the cupboard and the fridge and plan ahead just a little bit. I am so much better about including fruit and veggies in my diet and having a much more well rounded meal. In fact sometimes it seems as if I have too much food when I add in an apple or yogurt along with my main dish. How odd is that. I am finding that I am satisfied for the first time in my life, I truly eat what I like and then feel like it is enough. I also question myself when I feel a late night craving--am I hungry or am I bored...lonely or whatever and then decide if I truly need a snack or if I need to address my needs in a different way. It is finally starting to feel routine, like I don't have to think about it so much and that is awesome. Just more of my rambling...again I am ever amazed at the emotional and mental part of this weight loss journey of mine.
Monday, November 1, 2010
Sunday, October 31, 2010
Saturday, October 30, 2010
Only thing that has been kind bugging me lately is a little shoulder pain once in a while. I have been reading up on this and there are some people who have had lapband surgery that get referred pain in their shoulder from their tubing irritating their diaphragm. I think I have had some of this lately. I think I might bring it up at my next appointment. I am supposed to go to the doc later in November. I am trying to decide if I need a fill or not. I am still losing weight at a pretty average pace and I think I am pretty close to my sweet spot. So I am not sure if I need to cancel the appointment and save myself the trip. I guess I will think about that. Today's scale read 217, that's awesome.
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Monday, October 25, 2010
Shopping was never fun for me, and it is finally exciting to find stuff that fits and that I feel good in. I am also learning to appreciate thrift store shopping, finding some awesome bargains and lots of stuff that still have tags or are in great shape. That's fun and so easy on my pocketbook. There is one other area of my wardrobe that needs updating...my undergarments. I have decided that I have been wearing far too much comfortable, boring, utilitarian stuff. Now that my love life has been spiced up thanks to my weight loss and E-Harmony I think I need to take a trip to Victoria's Secret and buy myself some pretties.
Sunday, October 24, 2010
I better get my walking in today, perhaps later. It's a little misty and ugly outside so I think I will probably do my Leslie Sansone. Just gotta get the motivation.
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Anyway, I like what I see. The stats for the record are: 83 pounds lost all together, 57 lost since surgery on 12-15-09. Down from 3X-4X to XL's in most shirts. Pants size is down from mostly 28's to a baggy 18. I can't believe I am just 17 pounds away from 100 pounds down and 21 pounds to onederland. I might actually start the new year getting closer to those milestones. Wow!
Monday, October 18, 2010
Sunday, October 17, 2010
Her post just made me wonder...what would it take for me to have a 6 month plateau? I'd say not much, just a few days of overeating that add up to a couple weeks, that add up to a couple of months and then suddenly your stuck in that same old weight loss slippery slope. It's just another one of those lapband epiphany moments when you realize that the work is NEVER done. I work so hard every single day to make good choices. Some days I win, others I could do better. It is almost overwhelming to think about it. Every single day you have to chose to be healthy and to help your lapband succeed. That little piece of silicone and titanium can only do so much and then you have to do the rest.
Anyway I am thankful that I have had consistent, may it be ever so slow weight loss, but I am so glad I can say that since surgery I have managed to have weight loss every single month. Hearing Yana's story just made me realize what a blessing and what a feat that really is. So when I bitch and moan about the scale not moving for a while, tell me to get some perspective. A loss is a loss, even if it is only one pound and I know that I am the who has to make it happen, choosing every day to help my lapband do its job.
Hey fellow bloggers, give Yana a shout out would ya, I think she could use a little encouragement. :)
Went for a walk today at the track. Wow, it was really cool today, a real fall day in the 50's. I decided to call it quits at 2 miles. Just didn't have it in me today for some reason. Oh well, still doing great on my goal of 80 miles this month.
Saturday, October 16, 2010
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
It just gets me that my eyes look brighter and more alive. You don't realize how much that fat actually holds down your facial muscles and changes the shape of your face. I wonder if I will ever get rid of the double chin? At least it isn't a triple chin like it used to be!
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
It almost makes me sad looking at the old version of me. I was drowning in a sea of fat. I remember that was one of my favorite sweater sets at the time. Probably one of the only one's that fit, it was a 26/28--by the way I think I just sent that one to the Goodwill store this past weekend. Even though it was my favorite then, I realize now with some perspective that anything I would have chosen to wear at that time would not have looked good, because I didn't look good at that weight. It just makes me wonder how I could have possibly let myself get to that point. It is absolutely destructive. I was slowly killing myself one cheeseburger at a time.
Finding this picture and really looking at it has brought up some really deep seated feelings. I think of how long I really lied to myself about who I was and how I felt. That fat suit dictated so much of my life. I was afraid to live, afraid to date, afraid to let anyone in, always feeling less than. I am so happy that I can say I am doing something about it, but there is a sorrow inside me about how much life I wasted. I don't want to get stuck on the past, but at the same time I do need to process the fact that I am different from that person. I felt so powerless then and little by little I am getting some of that power back and I am able to make choices that fill my life with joy. I still have a long way to go, but I know that I have the ability to make my life so much better than it has been.
Sorry for the long post...wow, this was another psych session on my blog. If I have said it once, I have said it a thousand times, I completely underestimated the amount of emotional work I would have to do along with the physical work of losing a lifetime of weight.
Sunday, October 10, 2010
Saturday, October 9, 2010
Well, I ended up taking 16 pairs of pants ranging in size from 28 to 20 to the thrift store. I also took about 25 shirts and sweaters, mostly 3X's too. So now my closet is nearly empty. At least I will know what I have now. I have been picking up a few pieces here and there at thrift stores and sometimes I buy a size or two ahead and then I forget what I bought. What an adventure!
Friday, October 8, 2010
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Update...I walked an extra 2 miles in the evening. It was an absolutely gorgeous walk on the river trail. Awesome.
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
Speaking of my therapist, we mutually decided I was ready to "graduate" from therapy. I have been seeing her for about a year and we decided that I had made good progress on my goals and that I was ready to fly solo. I never imagined that I would be in therapy. I think my having lapband was a little bit of a catalyst to seeking some extra support. I am so glad that I have cleaned up life both physically and emotionally. Now I know how to handle life the best I can, and I also know that I have a safety net if I feel like I am slipping backward. If I hadn't worked on my head, I know that I would have failed miserably at weight loss. Life is so much better and I know it can only get even better from here.
Monday, October 4, 2010
Sunday, October 3, 2010
Friday, October 1, 2010
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
I was watching Biggest Loser last night and realized how many of the contestants had some sort of surgical intervention to lose weight, whether it was vertical banding, gastric bypass or lapband. Yet even after that, they still struggled with their weight. That just proves the point that surgery is not the end all and be all to battling obesity. I am glad to have those reminders once in a while. I have worked hard on my head in this battle, something I think I truly underestimated prior to surgery. I think about how food filled my life before, it was such a comfort to me. I used it to celebrate, to hide my misery and to fill the hole in my lonely life. I don't think I truly understood what a crutch food had become to me. I really lost myself for a while there. I am glad to find a better me and I know that I need to work on me everyday both physically and emotionally.
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
I am really needing to do something to motivate myself to exercise so I decided to give myself a month long exercise challenge and what better way to kick it off than to create a logo, haha! So in order to celebrate the 80 pounds I have lost--or will have by October 1! I am challenging myself to walk 80 miles in the month of October. So 31 days, that means I need to average about 2.5 miles per day, that's very doable. So no bitching and moaning about it's to dark, too cold or whatever, because I can still exercise inside using my DVD walking program. I just need something to shoot for. So starting October 1st I am shooting for a total of 80 miles walked by the end of the month and I will keep track here on my blog with a ticker too. Here's to new found motivation!
Monday, September 27, 2010
September sucked for exercise, I really need to kick it in gear in October if I plan to have continued weight loss. I aim to hit 223 before the end of September so I can claim a 5 pound loss this month. A nice and steady pound a week. Hope I get there.
Saturday, September 25, 2010
Then on Friday, I had a first date with Tim from E-Harmony. We had a great night, spent about 3 hours having dinner and talking. I hope to see him again sometime this week or next. Keep your fingers crossed! This is so much fun.
Third thing is that I came home to a new number on the scale...I saw 225! Woo hoo! What a great week, it will be hard to top this one for quite some time I am sure.