Monday, December 20, 2010

Cookie Monster

Today I found myself repeating an old behavior and it kinda caught me off guard. I was alone in the break room at work and I snuck a cookie off the holiday tray. I hurried to eat it before any of my co-workers came into the break room. Sneaking food and eating alone, there's an old behavior that I thought I had managed to get rid of. I don't know why I felt like I had to hide it today. I just felt like I shouldn't let people know that I was snacking, perhaps I don't want to be judged, or feel like a failure? I don't know. While it's no ones business what I choose to eat during the day, I shouldn't feel like I have to hide it. It was one cookie for crying out loud, and I can eat one cookie---I just can't eat ten of them.

I am feeling a little fickle about success lately I guess. Every once in a while I hear story about someone who has failed at weight loss surgery and gained their weight back. I hope and pray I am not one of those people, but I sometimes feel like someone (me) is going to pull out the rug from under me and all this progress will disappear. I think there are several issues at play here that are not lap band related, things that I have sought therapy for in the past. Self esteem issues, not feeling good enough, looking for validation, all that garbage. I have a few other life issues right now that are stressing me a bit, and I think when that happens, I tend to "run home to mamma" and in this case that is using old behaviors ingrained in my brain, such as seeking comfort food.

I just need to sort out my feelings here, and I suppose my blog is a good place to do it. It's interesting how long it really takes to change behaviors and patterns in your life and how easily it can be to slip back into them. I guess the difference today, is that I recognized it and and I am trying to figure out why it happened and I won't let it slip me up. OK, self so here's a pep talk. One cookie is not going to kill you and it's OK if people see you eat one and you don't need to explain to anyone what you are eating and why--only you need to know that. At the end of the day you are the one accountable for your calories. You have made a huge change in your life and it shows by the 90+ pounds gone off the scale, so get over your cookie from this afternoon and move on.

Second thought here, why did I want the cookie? Was I bored? Hungry? Craving sugar? What made me want it? I think I was a little hungry. Perhaps I haven't been allowing myself enough calories. I have been really trying to lose this month, and I think perhaps I am limiting my calories a bit too much. I also know that because I am feeling good restriction right now, I am not getting as much food down as I have in the past. Maybe I need to plan for a healthy mid afternoon snack and that way the cookies won't get to me. I have been trying to eat just my 3 meals a day, per my surgeons plan for success. But maybe I need to think about a low cal mid day pick me up. I have upped my calorie burning with more exercise this month, and perhaps my body is trying to tell me, give me some fuel! Good thoughts here, so glad I am learning to work through this stuff rather than fall back into old patterns. The old me would have had 3-4 cookies and then had a full supper and a snack later. Learn from it and leave it behind.

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