Sunday, February 27, 2011
We met at his place and drove to the little town to meet up with the other couple. We were also joined by some friends of theirs. So all together there were 6 of us. We laughed and teased and I even managed to steal a little touch of my hand to his back during dinner. Being so close to him in the car was almost torture. Close enough that our arms touched a little and he smelled so good. Mmmmm, I love his cologne. I saw a really sweet, caring side to him last night and it just makes me want to get to know him better. For the first time he really seemed at ease talking about himself and sharing some details about who he is.
So we drove back to his place, and we called it a night. I said I had a great time and hoped we could do something again soon. He gave me a sly little smile and a mischevious little "maybe". Ok, so that's the only thing that I am unsure about...maybe...what exactly does that mean? But the way he said it makes me think that it is a good possibility. Slow is good here I think. I can't wait to see him on Monday morning. So nice. :)
Saturday, February 26, 2011
- Let me be calm.
- Let me have fun.
- Let me show Josh the best version of myself.
- Let me say the right things.
- Let this be an opportunity for more.
Friday, February 25, 2011
It was so sweet, I was sitting in the break room and he came down the steps from third floor and motioned to me to come here. And I did the comical "who me?" and turned around to look if anyone was behind me. He said, "yeah you". Then I walked out in the hallway and he said "I have a silly question for you, are you doing anything tomorrow night." Eeeeeekkkkk!!!!!!!!!! So we made plans to do a little double date with one of his co-workers and his wife. We are going to drive to a place about 30 miles from here to a little small town restaurant. Oh my! I have been hoping, praying, wishing...but I just didn't think that it would ever really happen. I am absolutely on cloud nine.
It took me 38 years, but I finally got my first official date invitation from a guy. Like a true, I'm interested let's get to know each other bona fide offer. I got a hug from a co-worker and and I nearly started crying. I had to hold it together. I am so freaking happy right now I think my heart is going to burst right out of my chest. I am strangely calm and nervous all at the same time. How will I ever make it to tomorrow night. I am so psyched right now.
Thanks ladies for all the encouragement and positive thoughts you have sent my way. I am so blessed.
Thursday, February 24, 2011
I called my surgeon's office today to get a fill. I am thinking it is time to tweak things a little. I am getting hungry between meals again and that leads to poor choices, too many calories and stalled out weight loss. Unfortunately, between my schedule and theirs I can't get in for an appointment for about a month. They said I could call and check for cancellations, but it's not like I am just around the corner and can drop in. The one way drive is about 300 miles, so I guess I will just have to live on will power until the end of March.
Scale still reads 203 today, I will be lucky if I see a loss this month and I am praying that I don't see a gain. Guess I have about 4 days until the official weigh in for the month. We will see what happens. Otherwise, life is pretty good. Still working on hottie in a uniform. We had a nice talk today, about 45 minutes. Yippee!
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Self: OK Me, lets push the reset button here. You know exactly the wrong behaviors you have been using in the month of February, in case you missed it, here's a list:
- Fudging your portion sizes. Yeah, you know what I am talking about. I've seen you using large plates rather than the smaller bowls and salad plates that are much better for correct portion control.
- Eating too fast, which means you are not listening to the "full" signals your stomach is sending you.
- Snacking between meals. Do you realize how many calories you are really adding to your day. Yeah, yeah, you tell yourself it's just one cookie or one piece of chocolate. But by the time you are done you have added an extra 100-200 calories per day.
- How many times did you go to the gym this month? Maybe once a week? Twice if you were lucky? Quit making excuses about the cold, the weather, your free time, whatever.
- Giving in to temptations. Yeah, you heard me. I saw you eat that pint of ice cream and those nachos this weekend. What happened to the good stuff that is supposed to be in your fridge, like cottage cheese, fresh fruit or lean turkey? Haven't seen those in a while have we?
Self: See, you know exactly where you were failing this month.
Me: OK, I know! Get off my back would ya. Can't a guy take a little break once in a while?
Self: Sure you can, but then the scale won't move, is that what you want?
Me: No, I'd really like to see Onderland and beyond.
Self: Well then, I suppose you better work on achieving that goal.
Me: OK, I hear ya, cut me some slack would ya.
Self: So what are you gonna do?
Me: Well, I suppose I could track my food for a while, just to get a grip on the calories I am really consuming. And I suppose I could use my will power to avoid the chocolate and the cookies. Or better yet, I will allow myself to have one, as long as I account for it in my calorie count for the day. And I guess I could commit to going to the gym at least 4 times this week.
Self: You guess?
Me: OK, I WILL commit to going 4 times this week. And I will concentrate on my eating and chew slowly. Is that good enough?
Self: Sounds like a good start. Hey by the way, I really am proud of your progress, and I just want you to keep succeeding. This tough love is just my way of showing you I care.
Me: Yeah, I know. Thanks for the encouragement. I am going to really try to start again today with a new clean slate.
Self: Love ya, man.
Me: I love you too.
Monday, February 21, 2011
Saturday, February 19, 2011
I am still working on the 'hottie in a uniform" project...the plan for phase two is to play a little hard to get. He knows my intentions now, and I don't want to scare him off. So we will see where that takes us this week. This is so complicated and crazy and fun. Lots of ups and downs this week. I am trying to be more positive about things. I think I have a tendency to expect the worst and take the negative side of things especially when it comes to potential relationships. Having thoughts like "I will NEVER meet someone" or "I will ALWAYS be alone." I have a tendency to not believe that I have the ability to be in a relationship, because my history up until this point has been that I was the lonely, fat girl. I am trying to change that and make the insides and the outsides match. I am a constant work in progress!
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Just in case you didn't get any from cupid yesterday. (And much safer than a cupcake from your kitchen.) :)
The cupcake comment is in reference to a conversation we had the day before when he wished me Happy Valentine's Day. So now it sits on his desk just waiting for him. I figure either way I would get a reaction...either negatively or positively. The old me would have never dared to leave secret little notes for a crush. OK, I am putting it out to the universe...I want to find love in my life and that means I have to get a little out of my comfort zone once in a while.
So the scenarios running through my head are:
1. He completely ignores it and never mentions it again, sending me a big non-verbal signal to move on.
2. He thinks it's sweet and comes to talk to me about it.
3. He thinks I am a stalker and brings his handcuffs to take me away.
I am hoping for #2, but #3 wouldn't be so bad either, haha. Oh my dear lapband friends could you please send all your good thoughts my way for #2 to happen. Keep your fingers crossed.
Monday, February 14, 2011
There is nothing worse than seeing happy people. I know I should be joyful for them and happy that they have found love. But wow, I have got a great big case of the green eyed monster of envy today. Being single on Valentine's day makes me feel broken, like there is something terribly wrong with me. I guess the only good part of the day is that since I won't be getting a heart shaped box of chocolates from my love today, I won't have to worry about the weight gain.
OK, girls I have to write a tiny little update here...just when I thought that I hated Valentine's Day...the hottie in a uniform at work told me Happy Valentine's Day today...sigh. :) Now to figure out does that mean something? Am I reading too much into our little interactions in the hallway? At any rate it was sweet and made me smile.
Sunday, February 13, 2011
Scale says 202 today, which I can live with. It's been up and down this month as my eating habits have been a little off kilter. Hopefully I can get that in check and keep seeing some progress soon. Yippee for 16's!
Friday, February 11, 2011
Well, last night's colon cleanse was a success, everything is clean as a whistle now. Ha ha! Of course after a night like that, the scale was awesome this morning, giving me 201! But I doubt that will stick around. So we will see what today brings. My band was particularly tight this morning. All I had for breakfast was yogurt and that even hurt the slightest bit going down. Such a fickle thing, my band.
Thursday, February 10, 2011
In other band news, I lost 100 pounds...again! Thanks to some scale fluctuations I had had bounced from 202 back up to 204. But today I landed back at 203, so I am back to my 100 pound loss again. Ugh, I need to get that under control and keep the scale moving in the right direction. I know exactly why it hasn't been though, not enough time at the gym this week and a free-for-all eating marathon over the weekend. So no big surprises there. Time to kick it back into gear.
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Monday, February 7, 2011
I like the fact that I am actually getting a bit of a defined waist and my hips are getting slimmer all the time. And I love the fact that my face is minus some double chins. My smile is a thousand times better and my eyes look brighter and more alive. I feel younger too. So much more energy. Little by little I am changing into the person I want to be. As always, there is much work to do, but it will come with patience and perseverance.
Saturday, February 5, 2011
I realize that as some sort of protective mechanism I shut down a whole part of my personality for decades. I convinced myself that being alone was OK, that I wasn't lonely and that I could fill my life with a lot of wonderful things that would be enough. Now I realize that I want so badly to be loved, to be courted, to experience romance and to just know what it feels like for a man to give you his heart. I want this so bad for my life it is painful...I'm crying as I write this. There is such a hole in my heart and as I continue to lose weight and reinvent who I am I realize how much I denied those feelings and now they are suddenly flooding to the top.
So now I find myself so unsure of how to do this. I feel like a gawky teenager. Nervous, unsure, neurotic, scared. I know to reach this goal, to get what I want, I am going to have be brave and confident and sure of myself and it scares the bejeezus out of me. I feel so backward. It is the odd combination of pain and pleasure to pursue love. I know the pain of loneliness and wanting more and right now I have to decide which is the lesser of two evils...the risk and reward of doing nothing, or doing something. I feel like I am having some sort of awakening of my life and these growing pains are so difficult to deal with. Ugh! I am balling like a baby as I write this, guess I needed to purge some thoughts..things I hid from family, friends and the outside world for far too long. I want so much for my life and I need courage to pursue it.
I don't think I realized how much emotional baggage I have been carrying with me for so long. I am having a little crisis of figuring out who I am. I am not who I was...but I don't think I am who I want to be either. I am in limbo...changed for the better, but still not the person I know I can be. This is an odd place to be. So the outside looks different and little by little the inside is trying to catch up with the outside. What an incredible amount of work I have to do yet. Losing 100 pounds may have been the easy part. Now to ditch the 100 pounds of baggage in my head.
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
For those of you who were heavy as young people, you know the stigma and shame when you were the fat kid on the teeter totter, and you needed two friends to sit on the other end to make things work. It is so nice to know that little by little I am starting to fit a little bit better into the world. So to all the former fat kids...I hope you find someone to teeter totter with! :)