Skinnier Than I Was in High School

It takes a long while for my brain to catch up to the outside me. I was looking through some old photos and realized that I am actually at my smallest adult size so far in my life--and it will only get better! Here is a comparison picture of one of my senior pictures from high school, my high of over 300 and one taken a few weeks ago. I actually think I look younger at 38 rather than the 17 years I was back then. I like the newest version of me, let's call it Cheryl 2.0.

Looking at these old photos has had a mixed effect on my brain. Part of me wants to go back and tell that girl to lead a better life, to change things and that anything is possible in life. Part of me is sad, looking at a girl that was not living up to her potential and deep down inside really didn't like who she was. Part of me is proud of the new me and it energizes me to keep moving on in the right direction. Some days I am so confused though, even though I know that I am smaller now than I was in high school I still feel so big and flabby. What a confusing place to be. I think it is just constantly coming to terms with the new body--a body that will always show the "scars" of being obese. I will never have a body like a Victoria's secret model, but I also won't have a 300 pound unhealthy body either, God willing. As I look at old pictures I truly see for the first time how big I really was. I know I had on rose colored glasses for a good portion of the last two decades. Fat was fat in my mind whether that was in the lower 200's or the lower 300's but oh my what a difference.

I like the new, ever changing me and I want to get to know her better. She is getting more confident by the day, and more emotionally strong and I like that. I think she's even getting prettier and her true beauty both inside and out is finally starting to emerge from a mask of fat and low self esteem. Lapband surgery saved my life in so many ways. I honestly think the change in my emotional health has been a bigger benefit than the change in my physical health. I know it is all wrapped up into one big complicated ball, but for every pound I lose, I gain so much more. Thank God for this blessing in my life.