Can I tell you something...this comes from way down deep in my soul and it's something I rarely shared with people in my former life...sigh. We know how much of this journey is emotional as much as physical right? Well, here's the deal. To say the least I guess I would be described as a late bloomer. If you've read previous posts of mine you are aware that I was 38 before I lost my virginity (OMG, I can't believe I share that on a blog!). Anyway, I have waited a long time in my life to find love. As the fat girl since childhood the opportunities just didn't exist. Anyway, lately I have been trying my hardest to change that. It's crazy, painful, exciting, manic, fun, disappointing, exhilarating, hopeful, crushing, soul baring, scary, wonderful, horrible and a thousand other adjectives.
I realize that as some sort of protective mechanism I shut down a whole part of my personality for decades. I convinced myself that being alone was OK, that I wasn't lonely and that I could fill my life with a lot of wonderful things that would be enough. Now I realize that I want so badly to be loved, to be courted, to experience romance and to just know what it feels like for a man to give you his heart. I want this so bad for my life it is painful...I'm crying as I write this. There is such a hole in my heart and as I continue to lose weight and reinvent who I am I realize how much I denied those feelings and now they are suddenly flooding to the top.
So now I find myself so unsure of how to do this. I feel like a gawky teenager. Nervous, unsure, neurotic, scared. I know to reach this goal, to get what I want, I am going to have be brave and confident and sure of myself and it scares the bejeezus out of me. I feel so backward. It is the odd combination of pain and pleasure to pursue love. I know the pain of loneliness and wanting more and right now I have to decide which is the lesser of two evils...the risk and reward of doing nothing, or doing something. I feel like I am having some sort of awakening of my life and these growing pains are so difficult to deal with. Ugh! I am balling like a baby as I write this, guess I needed to purge some thoughts..things I hid from family, friends and the outside world for far too long. I want so much for my life and I need courage to pursue it.
I don't think I realized how much emotional baggage I have been carrying with me for so long. I am having a little crisis of figuring out who I am. I am not who I was...but I don't think I am who I want to be either. I am in limbo...changed for the better, but still not the person I know I can be. This is an odd place to be. So the outside looks different and little by little the inside is trying to catch up with the outside. What an incredible amount of work I have to do yet. Losing 100 pounds may have been the easy part. Now to ditch the 100 pounds of baggage in my head.