Saturday, February 5, 2011

Can I Tell You a Secret?

Can I tell you something...this comes from way down deep in my soul and it's something I rarely shared with people in my former life...sigh. We know how much of this journey is emotional as much as physical right? Well, here's the deal. To say the least I guess I would be described as a late bloomer. If you've read previous posts of mine you are aware that I was 38 before I lost my virginity (OMG, I can't believe I share that on a blog!). Anyway, I have waited a long time in my life to find love. As the fat girl since childhood the opportunities just didn't exist. Anyway, lately I have been trying my hardest to change that. It's crazy, painful, exciting, manic, fun, disappointing, exhilarating, hopeful, crushing, soul baring, scary, wonderful, horrible and a thousand other adjectives.

I realize that as some sort of protective mechanism I shut down a whole part of my personality for decades. I convinced myself that being alone was OK, that I wasn't lonely and that I could fill my life with a lot of wonderful things that would be enough. Now I realize that I want so badly to be loved, to be courted, to experience romance and to just know what it feels like for a man to give you his heart. I want this so bad for my life it is painful...I'm crying as I write this. There is such a hole in my heart and as I continue to lose weight and reinvent who I am I realize how much I denied those feelings and now they are suddenly flooding to the top.

So now I find myself so unsure of how to do this. I feel like a gawky teenager. Nervous, unsure, neurotic, scared. I know to reach this goal, to get what I want, I am going to have be brave and confident and sure of myself and it scares the bejeezus out of me. I feel so backward. It is the odd combination of pain and pleasure to pursue love. I know the pain of loneliness and wanting more and right now I have to decide which is the lesser of two evils...the risk and reward of doing nothing, or doing something. I feel like I am having some sort of awakening of my life and these growing pains are so difficult to deal with. Ugh! I am balling like a baby as I write this, guess I needed to purge some thoughts..things I hid from family, friends and the outside world for far too long. I want so much for my life and I need courage to pursue it.

I don't think I realized how much emotional baggage I have been carrying with me for so long. I am having a little crisis of figuring out who I am. I am not who I was...but I don't think I am who I want to be either. I am in limbo...changed for the better, but still not the person I know I can be. This is an odd place to be. So the outside looks different and little by little the inside is trying to catch up with the outside. What an incredible amount of work I have to do yet. Losing 100 pounds may have been the easy part. Now to ditch the 100 pounds of baggage in my head.


  1. This is both a scary time but also an exciting time-- how amazing to get the chance to know yourself better and to put yourself out there to connect with other people?

    As happy as I am with my husband of 11 years, I sometimes wonder if relationships would be better if we as humans waited until we were older and knew ourselves to get involved and fall in love. My husband and I were married right out of college and we have both changed a lot since then as people-- luckily, we've changed in complimentary ways and we're still a good match but that isn't always the case. For you, you have the opportunity to know yourself and meet someone else who knows himself. The possibilities are amazing and limitless!

    Hugs to you for your secret sharing :)

  2. I totally agree with Lyla that this ia an scary but at the same time exciting. You need need need some experiences right now but don't rush too much. This is how you find out who you are and who you are meant to be with. You learn from each date, each experience, each relationship. If you don't put yourself out there though, you won't know when it is right (and then you may not know right away, so take your TIME) Remember to love yourself. It make take you a little while to get comfortable with the new you; this is a big change. Breathe, it will come.

  3. You're a wonderful lady and I am sure that took a lot out of you to share that with us. You are becoming the lady you want to be and with this whole journey that is going to take time.

    Love will come your way and it will knock you off your feet! Just you wait!


  4. I wish I could give you a big hug! I agree with just taking your time. Let your friends know that you are interested in meeting someone. Just take baby steps. Be proud of yourself! You have accomplished so much! o don't blame you for not wanting to be alone. Do some exploring and try tp place yourself where there are people....or mostly single people. I will keep my fingers crossed for you!

  5. Good for you for purging those feelings that you need to get past... keep on going on this journey...

  6. Wishing you the best of luck with your journey of finding yourself and finding love.

  7. Your honesty and transparency will set you free to experience a new and exciting phase. I think it is exciting...Congrats on your 100 lb milestone...I think it is awesome and amazing...

    I'm excited for the special person who will get to share his life with you...

  8. I just know that big things are coming for you!

    Here's the thing about meeting a man: you need to approach it like you would if you were looking for a job. You have to sell yourself. You have to network. Let everyone know you are looking to meet someone. Even if you're embarrassed to put that information out there, it is important because people may assume you are content being single since you've been that way for so long. Then canvass all the ways you can think of to meet someone. Join a church (or mosque, sinogauge, etc.) and attend their single's functions. Take a beer making class or fly fishing or some other topic that might interest men. You don't have to change who you are to meet someone. Just go out feeling spunky like you do today and get to know people.