What a difference 5 years has made. I found this old photo today. It was taken in the spring of 2005. I remember that day, we were at Mount Rushmore with a group from work and we decided to walk the trails around the mountain. I remember thinking I was going to die walking up dozens and dozens of steps and hills. I was so winded and I had to stop to catch my breath so many times. That was the first time I contemplated weight loss surgery but then chickened out. I did lose weight though, I walked and counted calories and over time lost about 45 pounds only to gain it back later on and end up over 300 pounds again.
It almost makes me sad looking at the old version of me. I was drowning in a sea of fat. I remember that was one of my favorite sweater sets at the time. Probably one of the only one's that fit, it was a 26/28--by the way I think I just sent that one to the Goodwill store this past weekend. Even though it was my favorite then, I realize now with some perspective that anything I would have chosen to wear at that time would not have looked good, because I didn't look good at that weight. It just makes me wonder how I could have possibly let myself get to that point. It is absolutely destructive. I was slowly killing myself one cheeseburger at a time.
Finding this picture and really looking at it has brought up some really deep seated feelings. I think of how long I really lied to myself about who I was and how I felt. That fat suit dictated so much of my life. I was afraid to live, afraid to date, afraid to let anyone in, always feeling less than. I am so happy that I can say I am doing something about it, but there is a sorrow inside me about how much life I wasted. I don't want to get stuck on the past, but at the same time I do need to process the fact that I am different from that person. I felt so powerless then and little by little I am getting some of that power back and I am able to make choices that fill my life with joy. I still have a long way to go, but I know that I have the ability to make my life so much better than it has been.
Sorry for the long post...wow, this was another psych session on my blog. If I have said it once, I have said it a thousand times, I completely underestimated the amount of emotional work I would have to do along with the physical work of losing a lifetime of weight.