22 Days and Counting

Waiting is like torture. My mind is racing with all sorts of thoughts. I have so many questions about what things will be like post-surgery. I have been trying to read up on things and understand everything that is involved. I have done some preliminary grocery shopping to prepare for the liquid phase of both pre-op and post-op. I wish I knew more, like how much pain I will be in, what the hospital stay will be like and things like that. But I suppose until I actually experience it, the best I can do is wonder.

I'm also a bit anxious about what the results will be like. I have read lots of stuff that says most people lose anywhere between 30-100% of weight. I'm not sure if I have a goal weight in mind, but I suppose under 200 would certainly be a start. I haven't been under 200 since high school for sure. So here's where the disconnect is...I felt "fat" in high school, so to be back at that weight seems both good and bad. It's a hell of a lot better than now, yet I wonder if those same feelings of insecurity and low self esteem will still exist. That's where I feel good about seeing a therapist right now, to help me work through those emotional issues. So many changes to come, I suppose I just need to take it one hurdle at a time and live in the moment.

Anticipation

Well, I am wide awake in a recently all too familiar fit of insomnia, so I decided to check in here...I am hopeful for the future and also feeling a little unsure of myself. I have watched/read the prep materials from my surgeon's office a dozen times, but I think until I am actually living with the band, I won't really know what life will be like. I have no idea what to expect. I am excited to see how fast and how much weight I will lose. I know that it may take a while to relearn habits that have been ingrained in my brain for three decades.

This has been such a long road. I have never really known a healthy weight. I think I need to tackle this in a very methodical way, to break it down piece by piece so that it doesn't seem so overwhelming. I need to work on a go-to grocery list of new foods and I need to work on planning my meals ahead of time. I think that will help me be successful with these big changes.

November is slipping away, and December will be here in a flash. I am trying to soak up as much information as I can. I am being religious about sticking to my 1200 calorie diet and I am hoping that it shows on the scale. I want my surgeon to know that I am serious about things. I have a hotel reservation made for my sister and I and we have our travel plans all set. I need to make some lists and figure out what to take with me. I think I have the financial part figured out too, so that I am ready for the up front out-of-pocket costs. It's all coming together. So much anticipation...

26 Days and Counting...

I am consumed with too much information right now. It's nearly overwhelming to try to read all the "rules" and suggestions. The next few weeks are going to fly by. I have so much stuff to do. I think I almost need to start making some lists of things I need to do to prepare. This is such a big change, it is a lot to take in.

My sister has agreed to accompany me to the hospital, and I am so thankful for that support from her. To be honest, it is hard to accept help sometimes (Don't worry, I'm working on that with my therapist). It's been a long time since I have allowed myself to dream and hope for the future and it is a little overwhelming at times. I just have to keep staying in the moment and just take each day as it comes. This is a big investment in myself and I pray that it will all be worth it.

Hunger

Since I have been cutting back on calories, I am actually feeling hunger. For so long I have been trained to just eat at certain times and haven't really listened to my body. It will be a whole new experience to really get in tune with my physical and emotional thoughts and feelings. I made an appointment with my PCP, Dr. Marciano and am scheduled to have the pre-op physical on December 1. I am still trying to wrap my head around the fact that this is really going to happen. The more days that pass, the more it really starts to sink in. This is going to drastically change the way I live my life. I almost don't even know what to hope for. It has been so terribly long since I felt physically able to do so many things in my life. What will life be like a year from now? I can't even imagine.

Sticking to 1200 Calories

I have been using Sparkpeople again to track my foods. Today I knew exactly what I was going to eat and actually entered my food at the beginning of the day. It really helped me to stay on track. In fact this afternoon at break, they offered popcorn. I passed up on it, knowing that my supper had the rest of my calories already spoken for, for the day.

I am also trying to learn to chew and chew and chew. It really does take concentration. I hope that I can learn all of these new skills. I read through my pre-op packet today and I think I have a pretty good handle on what the expectations are for the next weeks and months to come. I will change my life for the better.

Time is Flying By!

Just got my pre-op instruction packet in the mail. Tried to read through it, but there is so much to take in, it's a little overwhelming. I am also trying to arrange travel and who is available to come with me for support and as a driver. I need to learn to be more assertive. It's not my nature to ask for things for myself. I am almost feeling guilty for asking people to have to help me. I need to get rid of that thinking.

I have been trying really hard to keep to the suggested 1200 calorie diet. It's been helping. Today the scale read 285, unclothed. I think my weight at my surgery consultation in July was right around 300. So hopefully that shows my commitment to change and helps with surgery. I'm crazy nervous and excited. There is so much to take in.

Trying Some New Liquids

Well, I thought I would ease myself into my upcoming liquid diet by trying a couple of protein drinks. I bought Special K2O Protein Drink mix, a pink lemonade mix with very low calories and about 10% RDA of protein. Tastes pretty good. I also bought Boost, a nutritional meal replacement type drink. It's chilling in the fridge as we speak, so we'll see how that tastes. I am a little leery of the texture on that one, but I am trying to keep an open mind.

I am trying to prepare both mentally and physically for the month ahead. I think these next few weeks are going to go fast!

Surgery Date Scheduled!

I can't believe how quickly things have happened this week. I scheduled a surgery date today! Dr. O'Brien's nurse will be sending a packet to me with all the details but as long as everything lines up, I am scheduled for surgery on December 15, 2009. It is absolutely surreal. I have so much to do before then. A surgery pre-op appointment with my primary physician, a 1200 calorie pre-op diet, a pre-op appointment with Dr. Brien and a mandatory prep class a week before the surgery.

Then it's a liquid diet two weeks prior to surgery. I would like to take some before pictures too. So much to think about. I need to reschedule some work things and get ready for all this to happen. I am so ready for my life to change. Gotta clean out the cupboards at home, get ready for a new way of eating and shopping and living.

I Can Schedule Surgery!

After nearly half a year of waiting and wondering, I finally got the go ahead to schedule surgery! I can't believe it. I thought I might have to wait. Instead, they said that as soon as my surgeon's office receives the approval letter, I can set a date that works for me.

I am excited...nervous...scared...hopeful...and wondering what a change this will be in my life. My mind is spinning right now. I have a thousand questions. I want it to happen right away, and yet I also want some time to get my head straight. I want this to work so badly. I want to be proud of myself and the changes I am about to embark on. It's a big day!

Call Back from HCMTI's CEO

Got a call back from HCMTI today from the CEO, Jack. He said that I have been APPROVED and that Troy will call me tomorrow to get the ball rolling. He stated that some of the problem might have stemmed from a lack of activity, or starting and stopping. Technically, I had inquired about the program several years ago but never actually went any farther than receiving the paperwork, so I see that as a bit of a cop out.

Anyway, I think my pushing worked in the long run. So we will see where things go from here. I still don't really know what "approved" means. Does that mean, I am approved to start the 12 months? Does that mean I am approved to set a surgery date? I suppose some of my questions will get answered tomorrow. I hope I am ready for this!

Progress? Maybe.

Well, I got tired of dealing with the crap from HCMTI and I went above their heads. After Troy's voice mail in late October and still no action a third of the way into November I decided to be a squeaky wheel. I had recently inquired to my insurance company why they hadn't paid my the claims for my pre-authorization evaluation appointments. They said they hadn't received any information from HCMTI that I was working on approval so that the claims could be approved, so as soon as they got the information they would re-run them. Another ball dropped by HCMTI. So after more placating from Troy about "we'll get you an answer soon" and "it's on my medical director's desk" I had enough.

So I called our HR department at my employer who then referred me to the assistant director of benefits at the Bureau of Personnel, Mary. She promised me she'd look into things. I provided her with a written account of my dealings with HCMTI over the last six months. She promised to follow up on it.

Well today, after months of hassle, I received a call from the head honcho, the CEO of HCMTI, Jack. He apologized and told me that there was no excuse for the things that had occurred. He promised to call me tomorrow after he had a discussion with the medical director, Dr. Luther. Maybe now I will finally be able to move forward, whatever the decision.

I can't believe that it had to come to that. But I hope that I have been decent and I don't think that I was asking for too much. I hope that doesn't affect my relationship with them in the future as I have to work with them for quite some time through this process.

Voice Mail from HCMTI

Got a call left on my voice mail today from Troy saying that my file was on the medical director's desk and I should be getting an answer very soon. He apologized for the delay and assured me that he would be getting me an answer from his boss any day now. So I guess we will see what that means. Anyway, I guess at the very least that is progress. So I keep waiting and then I suppose we will go from there.

Follow Up with HCMTI Again!

So here's the latest...called HCMTI on Wedenesday of this week and left a voice mail. No one called me back, so I called again on Friday. It talked to Troy, who I had talked to a few times before. He was the one I talked to in mid-September that promised and answer by the end of the month. That obviously came and went. So I asked him the status again, and he gave many excuses about the company changing hands in October and he said some not so nice things about his former employer. Something to the effect of "they had their head stuck somewhere it shouldn't be." Or something like that.

Anyway he promised an answer again soon and said that everything in my file looked good and that it was just waiting to be signed off by the director. So I told him that I wanted to voice my frustrations and to tell his superiors that they are dealing with people's lives here. He said he would pass on the message and I tried not to be a bitch, but just to calmly tell him how the waiting really sucked. So I am sitting and waiting again. I don't know where things will go from here or what my recourse is if I don't get an answer within a reasonable amount of time.

I am still a little torn emotionally as I hope I am ready to tackle the potential changes that could be ahead for me. I am seeing a counselor/therapist about some depression and self esteem issues and I hope that will help me to work through this process both physically and emotionally. I also have some concerns financially as I know there will be some out of pocket costs and I am not sure I prepared for that. But perhaps if I get to that stage of things I can make some arrangements with family to borrow money if needed. Lots of things are up in the air yet. I just don't know how to feel. I should be happy I suppose, instead I am feeling a little unsure. Maybe that's normal? Who knows what "normal" is anyway?

Waiting...Still

I had called HCMTI in mid September, they made promises to contact me by the end of the month, but I am still waiting. We'll see if they contact me this week, if not I suppose I will have to follow up again with them. It's pretty frustrating. My initial appointments were in July and here it is October and I am still in limbo. I don't know if I am in a good place mentally anyway, perhaps this delay is OK.

Insurance Process is Very Slow

I called the third party health organization I have to work with to get lap band approval again this past week. It had been several weeks since I had talked to them and still hadn't heard anything. I talked to one of the people who sends the letter and makes the phone call. He made all sorts of excuses about being really swamped and getting a lot of requests all at once, and about some changes to the system. I don't care about all that, I just wanted an answer. He said he expected to make a decision before the end of the month. So we will see what happens with that. That will be nearly 3 months since my initial appointments with surgeon, psychologist and nutritionist.

I have decided that I have some emotional and mental issues to work through, including some of my eating triggers that I need to work on regardless of surgery or other weight loss plan. I know that my being alone and often bored and lonely add up to poor choices of shopping, eating and eating out. If I hope to be successful with this, this time, I need to work on body and mind, and probably soul too. I have an appointment to talk to a counselor/therapist next week and obesity along with some other quality of life issues are sure to be on the list of things to talk about.