This weekend I realized that I am really struggling with the limbo of being "new" in some respects, but still having the old messages running in my head. I am insecure and neurotic. I worry about so many things. I still have a lot of doubt about the fact that a guy could like me. I spent the whole weekend wondering, worrying, over analyzing and in the end it was all for nothing--Josh texted me and we chatted for about 25 minutes. It was sweet and flirty and wonderful, but it didn't happen until 9:45 on Sunday night. In the mean time I spent Friday night, Saturday and most of Sunday assuming the worst..."he doesn't like me, I said something wrong in my last text, I'm not lovable, I'm broken"... fill in the blank with any self-defeating attitude you can think of here. I know I need to change that broken record in my head, I just didn't realize how much it was truly affecting me.
But here's what I know...I am better than I was, but I also realize that those old feelings are still there. I am better about trying to quash them, but there are times when it is so hard. What a roller coaster ride. The more positive feedback I get from Josh, the better things are, but in the meantime I am so uncertain. I keep trying to tell myself that this is perfectly normal. Please let me learn to enjoy the moment, to stop being so neurotic and to just keep trying to be the best version of myself. I am worth it. Just keep saying it...I am worth it.