How Do You Measure Success When You "Failed"?

There's a conundrum in my head this morning...how can I still celebrate the success of losing 85 pounds (i.e. not being in the morbidly obese category anymore, wearing "normal" sized clothing, fitting in chairs, feeling healthier and all the other great things that my weight loss in the past has given me). But over the past 6 months to a year I feel like I have been a "failure" because I regained weight, I am struggling to lose it and I don't feel the "honeymoon" phase of having a band anymore.

I keep beating myself up for the latest failures, but I know that instead I should be keeping an eye on the big picture. Life is so much better than the 303 pounds I was at 3 years ago. Even at today's weight of 219 I know that I need to claim that and be proud of it. Instead I keep thinking about where I am NOT at. I want to be back to onederland, I want losing to be easy--like it was in the first year after banding. But I am afraid that glorious time has passed.

It is still a work in progress--and it may ALWAYS be. How do you stay motivated in the moment, remember the progress you have made and not beat yourself up for the setbacks. I don't know if I have an answer to that or not.

I guess I can look at the "failures" from a different perspective and give myself a little slack:

• I had a ROUGH year--one of the most tumultuous in my life with job changes, moving twice, new relationship, failed relationships and two surgeries. I think I am entitled to a small setback considering the stressful, emotional intense year I lived through.
• It was a SMALL setback not a big one. Yes I gained some weight back and fell into old habits, but I didn't regain all the weight. I only gained back about 25 and then I started to find my way again to fix it. Since refocusing, I have lost about 5 pounds, it's small but it's progress in the right direction.
• I KNOW WHAT TO DO when I fail. I pick myself up, I go back to the healthy habits that have worked in the past...exercise, food diary, blogging, regular band adjustments. It works.

Am I doing everything in my power to help myself lose the weight again? Ummm...if I had to be totally honest with myself I would say no. I make choices every day, good and bad and I have to live with that. But I think that I need to allow myself to just be happy where I am at. Live in the moment. I have a little saying posted on my wall and I need to read it more often...

"I made you to carry the weight of one day. Do not weigh yourself down with the years behind or the days ahead."

So my words to all of you banders out there today...be gentle with yourself...don't beat yourself up...remember to celebrate where you are right here, right now. Love yourself.

Ugh! So Miserable

This morning is what a typical morning has been like lately. I tried drinking Powerade Zero--my version of no-calorie juice in the morning. The first swallow immediately rebelled. I was optimistic and though I would try yogurt, in attempt to try to get some nutrition in my body. 2 spoonfuls, and that was it. It is sitting at the top of my throat, just waiting to come back up. It is slightly uncomfortable, not painful but it doesn't feel good. I managed to get down about 10 ounces of Powerade. I also take 2 pills in the morning, and that really is a challenge. So far the are staying down and I hope they are dissolving. I know I will spend the next hour burping, sliming and swallowing up and down, and up and down until it passes through my stoma. Not fun.

I have been trying to adjust to this level of tightness since April, with some success but mostly with misery. Not eating in the morning is not healthy for me, searching for slider foods is not right, going down a list of foods and not being able to identify ones that will work causes stress and makes eating a chore, which then in turn makes me reach for comfort foods--ice cream (if it will go down, and sometimes even that is a challenge).

Since my fill in April I have lost about 5 pounds, but that was immediately after the fill. Since the beginning of May I have been at a standstill. Mind you, I had surgery in there which threw things off my routine as far as exercise and added some surgery fluid weight. Those five pounds are not worth this misery. Lately I feel like all I do is go up and down with fills, I fill and it's too tight. I unfill and I don't feel restriction. My green zone is incredibly hard to find and maintain.I realize that the human body constantly changes and you have to keep making mental and physical adjustments all the time. I just wish I could find the right combination again--and it has several components:

• Workable restriction levels
• Good exercise routines
• Tracking my food intake
• Good mental status/motivation
• Accountability

It is constantly juggling these things with an already crazy life. I wish that food and my weight didn't have the grip on me that it does. It has since I was a young girl and I feel that it will always have an impact on my life. I wish that I was one of those people that rarely had to think about it. Ugh. Feeling mentally tired by all this stuff. 

Unfill Appointment Scheduled

So happy to say that I have an appointment for a lapband adjustment scheduled for next Monday. I am too tight and I am miserable. Today I skipped breakfast altogether and just had coffee instead. I struggled with lunch, being totally miserable after about 4 well chewed bites. I slimed/spit up half of what I put down my throat and I am quite certain I will send the next hour burping and swallowing. This is NOT the way to live with a lapband and I know it. So back to the doc's office to find a new restriction level. I am relying on slider foods (like frozen yogurt) and sometimes that doesn't even go down all that well. I am so sick about thinking about my food so much...wondering will it go down, feeling restricted to the point that I don't know what foods to chose anymore and to top it all of, I am not losing any weight. I am not gaining either, but I can't live like this.

I'm Too Tight

I am so sick and tired of eating being a challenge. After trying to adjust to this level of fill since early April,  I think I have been putting up with too much. Lately I have been waking up with heartburn in the middle of the night. There are some mornings where even clear liquids are not tolerated well. It seems that all I do is slime and spit after nearly every meal. I can't go on like this. This is not a good way to live with my band and I am not losing either so why be so miserable? So I guess I will call my doc's office and make an appointment for an adjustment. Ugh, this is such a fickle thing sometimes.

Down the Hatch and Right Back Out Again

Ugh, I think I angered my band again. Tonight I decided to have tacos and it just did not want to stay down. Such a fickle band lately. For a while I would swear that I was too tight, then it seemed to be just right, and now I feel as if I am too tight again. I can't win. Guess, I will try to take it easy on my band and give myself a day or two of mushies.

219 and Steady

Well, the scale is holding still at 219. There is something to be said for consistency and not gaining. SO the scale isn't moving much right now but at least it is not moving up. I have been on limited activity after my surgery and I need to change that and get into a better routine of swimming and walking. But it always seems as if something else gets in the way--work schedule, weather, etc. It's always some excuse. Time to kick it in gear.

I was at my surgeon's office yesterday for a follow up on my gallbladder surgery. All is well with that and I hope that I can put all that behind me now. Now my focus needs to be on seeing my next weight loss milestone. Right now I am at 84 pounds lost from my highest--I want to see 90 again and then 100 and then it's onederland. Gotta get moving!

Thought For the Day

I ran across this quote today and it really struck me. I need to do a better job of living in the current moment and letting go of yesterday. I also can't worry about tomorrow. Anyway, just like this little gem and thought I would share it.

Back in the Pool

Well, today was my first day back at water aerobics. I only worked at about 50% of my usual level but it felt good to get back in the pool. I was able to stretch out my abdomen and it just felt good to move around a bit. The scale is back up again, to 221 but I am totally feeling bloated this week. It's doing it's usual routine up and then down again. Just need to get back into the routine that works. Little by little.

Healing...Slowly

Today is my first day back at work. Who knew that sitting upright in my chair would be a challenge? Still working on healing. I'd say I am at about 85%. Still a slight bit of pain/discomfort and my stamina is quite short, but I am coming back little by little. The scale gave me 219, which I think I can live with. I know I have my eating under control, now I just need to work on adding the exercise back in. It's is a constant effort! But worth every moment.

I Shouldn't Have Peeked!

Ugh, I was so right, I should have avoided the scale right now. This morning it read 223--up 5 pounds! I know that is a side effect of surgery, but oh my it sounds awful. Constipation, fluids added during surgery, inflammation and inactivity are a few causes, but golly I hate seeing that number.

Today is day 2 post-op. I managed to shower this morning and eat some yogurt for breakfast. I am also trying to get lots of liquids in today. Still hurting a bit so I am continuing my Vicodin--my pain relief friend. I think it may also cause some constipation issues. I am hoping to take a little walk later and get some much needed movement.

Recovering From Gallbladder Surgery

Today is my first day post-op recovering from gallbladder surgery yesterday. Feeling good as long as I don't move too much. Got my Vicodin and that makes life better, LOL. Hopefully this takes care of things, I was not enjoying having attacks.

I am not even going to go near the scale in a while. I am just coming of of TOM, and that always causes bloating. I am not eating much just yet, easing back into a normal diet. So hopefully that will help the scale keep on moving. Only bad part is I won't be doing much exercise for a while. Gotta ease back into that too.

So that's the report for today, healing is going well so far.

TMI onTOM

OK, I know I can talk openly to my blog readers...so today's topic is my time of the month, also known as TOM. As a fat girl, I didn't get my period. It just stopped. The official term would be amenorrhea. As a woman in my 20's and 30's I went through all the tests, ultrasounds, etc. They ruled out PCOS and many doctors over the years just scratched their heads and prescribed birth control pills as a "fix" to make me menstruate. Not once did those doctors say...you are too fat and your body is telling you that by stopping menstruation. My fat cells and messed up hormones were interfering with my menstruation. My body was telling me loud and clear for over 10 years, "you are not healthy" but I didn't listen.

So, why all the talk about TOM today? Well, number one it started today and I have been tracking it using on online calendar. Today I realized that I have had 14 periods in a row--that's a real record for me! They are nearly "normal" in length, flow, predictability, etc. Something I have NEVER experienced in my life.This is all a by-product of losing weight. I never knew that I could be "normal".

So that also makes me think about another part of TOM, and that is the potential ability to get pregnant. Now mind you I am not currently in a relationship, but I am working on it. I am nearly 40 years old and wondering about the potential to still become a mom someday. I guess after all those years of having no periods I just assumed that infertility might be an issue. But now, after over a year of being normal in the world of menstruation, it makes me wonder about my fertility. Perhaps there is a chance yet? But first things first, gotta find the "baby daddy" LOL. Just some thoughts rattling around in my brain today. It's another one of those "I didn't realize what being that fat was doing to me" kinds of epiphanies.

Gallbladder Attack!

Well, I hope I had what will be my last gallbladder attack. Had lunch and went back to work when the pain started in. So I went home, took a warm bath and some pain reliever and waited it out. Then slept for 2 hours after the pain subsided. Hopefully this will be my last one, as I have surgery scheduled for Monday to get it removed. Hope that all goes as planned.

Claiming a 6 Pound Loss for April!

Woohoo, I am going to officially claim a 6 pound weight loss for the month of April! I started the month at 224 and ended at 218. I have seen glimpses of 217 and 216 but they aren't ready to stick just yet. I am so happy that I am losing again, and doing about a pound a week+ is just fine with me. I know that I can help it along a little more with adding some more exercise, but I will get there. My eating is going good because of good restriction and keeping a food diary again. I am creeping back towards being able to say I have lost 90 pounds (need to be at 213 for that)--so with a little luck and hard work maybe I can see that sometime this month. Next stop after that is getting to 100 lost (again) and onederland (again). Then the trick will be to stay there.

So for today I shall celebrate 6 pounds!!!!! Yea me!!!!