Ugh! So Miserable

This morning is what a typical morning has been like lately. I tried drinking Powerade Zero--my version of no-calorie juice in the morning. The first swallow immediately rebelled. I was optimistic and though I would try yogurt, in attempt to try to get some nutrition in my body. 2 spoonfuls, and that was it. It is sitting at the top of my throat, just waiting to come back up. It is slightly uncomfortable, not painful but it doesn't feel good. I managed to get down about 10 ounces of Powerade. I also take 2 pills in the morning, and that really is a challenge. So far the are staying down and I hope they are dissolving. I know I will spend the next hour burping, sliming and swallowing up and down, and up and down until it passes through my stoma. Not fun.

I have been trying to adjust to this level of tightness since April, with some success but mostly with misery. Not eating in the morning is not healthy for me, searching for slider foods is not right, going down a list of foods and not being able to identify ones that will work causes stress and makes eating a chore, which then in turn makes me reach for comfort foods--ice cream (if it will go down, and sometimes even that is a challenge).

Since my fill in April I have lost about 5 pounds, but that was immediately after the fill. Since the beginning of May I have been at a standstill. Mind you, I had surgery in there which threw things off my routine as far as exercise and added some surgery fluid weight. Those five pounds are not worth this misery. Lately I feel like all I do is go up and down with fills, I fill and it's too tight. I unfill and I don't feel restriction. My green zone is incredibly hard to find and maintain.I realize that the human body constantly changes and you have to keep making mental and physical adjustments all the time. I just wish I could find the right combination again--and it has several components:

• Workable restriction levels
• Good exercise routines
• Tracking my food intake
• Good mental status/motivation
• Accountability

It is constantly juggling these things with an already crazy life. I wish that food and my weight didn't have the grip on me that it does. It has since I was a young girl and I feel that it will always have an impact on my life. I wish that I was one of those people that rarely had to think about it. Ugh. Feeling mentally tired by all this stuff.