Watching the Biggest Loser is my usual Tuesday night routine. I am always so amazed by their weight loss amounts in one week. It is so insane and not at all like the real world! This week it was amazing to see Courtney get under 300 pounds. I see her 300 pounds and I think...that was me a little over a year ago. What an incredible amount of work it is to lose a single pound, let alone nearly one hundred.
Sometimes I think I am way too hard on myself. I get so wrapped up in the number of the moment and I don't realize that my loss of 95 pounds is stellar. It's just that I have more work to do and so it seems like I can't afford to stop and celebrate. I also think that sometimes in the deep dark recesses of my mind I don't trust it. I keep thinking that all this work will disappear. (Yeah, could it be the yo-yo effect of weight loss and gain over the past two decades?) My sister has been talking to me about someone she knows that had lap band surgery, lost at first but eventually failed and gained it back. There are also bloggers out there that I follow that have experienced the same thing. I feel like I will never be rid of the slippery slope of a food addiction. Perhaps I never will and that is just something that I need to come to terms with--but learn how to manage it instead of fear it.
I shared the before and after picture I posted on my blog the other day with some co-workers, family and friends. Some of them actually gasped aloud, lol. I guess I really have changed and I need to start seeing that more clearly. Several said, I never saw you as being "that fat". I totally understood where they were coming from, as I saw myself through such a warped lens too. I just need to soak it in and appreciate the slow but steady changes. I have so much potential for 2011, I just need to keep doing what I have been doing. It's working and I have been successful for one of the longest stretches of time in my entire life. Yes, I still have work to do and I am a total work in progress (and ALWAYS will be!!!!) and that's just fine with me.
My husband told me the other day that I doesn't see me as looking any different than I did at my highest weight. He said I see it in the pictures, but not looking at you now. I think that seeing a person often makes the small changes daily all run together and not be seen as the big picture. My mother, however, I only see every few months. She is always pleasantly surprised!
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