Let's Talk About Weight Loss

Well, it's hard to concentrate on anything else right now, but let's actually talk about weight loss, ha ha. The scale was nice enough to give me a 201 this morning, hope it sticks! I just got home from the gym. Had a great sweaty workout. I was the only one at the gym. It's funny how when there are other people there I have a tendency to work harder. When I am alone there is no one there for accountability except me. So many times on the ellipticals I had to keep telling myself to keep going, even when I wanted to quit early. But I stuck with it and did 30 minutes on the ellipticals, 10 minutes on the recumbent bike and 20 minutes of free weights and circuit training. Whew! I'm tired now. Well, tomorrow is the end of the month and I hope that I can mark a loss down on on the old ledger. It's been a tough month for weight loss, I will take a pound as long as I can claim a loss. Onederland is so close and yet so far away. Just gotta kick it in gear.

Date Night Report

Hey ladies, thanks so much for all the wonderful comments and positive thoughts. Date night was wonderful. I am still smiling and I keep running through every moment in my head this morning. (I may have also had some unpure thoughts about him too, LOL) We laughed and had fun, and were really at ease with one another. It just felt so nice and comfortable.

We met at his place and drove to the little town to meet up with the other couple. We were also joined by some friends of theirs. So all together there were 6 of us. We laughed and teased and I even managed to steal a little touch of my hand to his back during dinner. Being so close to him in the car was almost torture. Close enough that our arms touched a little and he smelled so good. Mmmmm, I love his cologne. I saw a really sweet, caring side to him last night and it just makes me want to get to know him better. For the first time he really seemed at ease talking about himself and sharing some details about who he is.

So we drove back to his place, and we called it a night. I said I had a great time and hoped we could do something again soon. He gave me a sly little smile and a mischevious little "maybe". Ok, so that's the only thing that I am unsure about...maybe...what exactly does that mean? But the way he said it makes me think that it is a good possibility. Slow is good here I think. I can't wait to see him on Monday morning. So nice. :)

Let the Primping Commence...

Well date day is here! I am having a good hair day, which is awesome. The scale is down a pound to 202. My Smack Ass Jeans 2.0 are in the wash and I am doing my best not to completely freak out. I talked to Josh on the phone for about an hour last night, and I am trying my best not to completely over analyze everything we said. I am hoping to find a Zen place today where all is calm and I don't come unglued. So one of my things lately is to "give the universe all your heart's desires." (Thanks to Kelly at http://findingmywayatlast.blogspot.com/ for that little bit of wonderfulness.) So universe, here are my heart's desires for today:

• Let me be calm.


• Let me have fun.


• Let me show Josh the best version of myself.


• Let me say the right things.


• Let this be an opportunity for more.

I Have a Date on Saturday Night!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OMG, I don't have enough exclamation points to put on this page!!!!!!!!!!!!! Hottie in a uniform, let me introduce you to him, his real name is Josh, invited me out to dinner on Saturday night! The adrenalin is still running so high in my body that I have have been shaking like a leaf for over an hour.

It was so sweet, I was sitting in the break room and he came down the steps from third floor and motioned to me to come here. And I did the comical "who me?" and turned around to look if anyone was behind me. He said, "yeah you". Then I walked out in the hallway and he said "I have a silly question for you, are you doing anything tomorrow night." Eeeeeekkkkk!!!!!!!!!! So we made plans to do a little double date with one of his co-workers and his wife. We are going to drive to a place about 30 miles from here to a little small town restaurant. Oh my! I have been hoping, praying, wishing...but I just didn't think that it would ever really happen. I am absolutely on cloud nine.

It took me 38 years, but I finally got my first official date invitation from a guy. Like a true, I'm interested let's get to know each other bona fide offer. I got a hug from a co-worker and and I nearly started crying. I had to hold it together. I am so freaking happy right now I think my heart is going to burst right out of my chest. I am strangely calm and nervous all at the same time. How will I ever make it to tomorrow night. I am so psyched right now.

Thanks ladies for all the encouragement and positive thoughts you have sent my way. I am so blessed.

Just Home from the Gym

I have been trying to really behave this week and buckle down. I just got home from another great workout at the gym. Been there 3 days in a row now. I told myself earlier in the week to try to get there at least 4 times this week.

I called my surgeon's office today to get a fill. I am thinking it is time to tweak things a little. I am getting hungry between meals again and that leads to poor choices, too many calories and stalled out weight loss. Unfortunately, between my schedule and theirs I can't get in for an appointment for about a month. They said I could call and check for cancellations, but it's not like I am just around the corner and can drop in. The one way drive is about 300 miles, so I guess I will just have to live on will power until the end of March.

Scale still reads 203 today, I will be lucky if I see a loss this month and I am praying that I don't see a gain. Guess I have about 4 days until the official weigh in for the month. We will see what happens. Otherwise, life is pretty good. Still working on hottie in a uniform. We had a nice talk today, about 45 minutes. Yippee!

Skinnier Than I Was in High School

It takes a long while for my brain to catch up to the outside me. I was looking through some old photos and realized that I am actually at my smallest adult size so far in my life--and it will only get better! Here is a comparison picture of one of my senior pictures from high school, my high of over 300 and one taken a few weeks ago. I actually think I look younger at 38 rather than the 17 years I was back then. I like the newest version of me, let's call it Cheryl 2.0.

Looking at these old photos has had a mixed effect on my brain. Part of me wants to go back and tell that girl to lead a better life, to change things and that anything is possible in life. Part of me is sad, looking at a girl that was not living up to her potential and deep down inside really didn't like who she was. Part of me is proud of the new me and it energizes me to keep moving on in the right direction. Some days I am so confused though, even though I know that I am smaller now than I was in high school I still feel so big and flabby. What a confusing place to be. I think it is just constantly coming to terms with the new body--a body that will always show the "scars" of being obese. I will never have a body like a Victoria's secret model, but I also won't have a 300 pound unhealthy body either, God willing. As I look at old pictures I truly see for the first time how big I really was. I know I had on rose colored glasses for a good portion of the last two decades. Fat was fat in my mind whether that was in the lower 200's or the lower 300's but oh my what a difference.

I like the new, ever changing me and I want to get to know her better. She is getting more confident by the day, and more emotionally strong and I like that. I think she's even getting prettier and her true beauty both inside and out is finally starting to emerge from a mask of fat and low self esteem. Lapband surgery saved my life in so many ways. I honestly think the change in my emotional health has been a bigger benefit than the change in my physical health. I know it is all wrapped up into one big complicated ball, but for every pound I lose, I gain so much more. Thank God for this blessing in my life.

Me, Myself and I

Self: OK Me, lets push the reset button here. You know exactly the wrong behaviors you have been using in the month of February, in case you missed it, here's a list:

1. Fudging your portion sizes. Yeah, you know what I am talking about. I've seen you using large plates rather than the smaller bowls and salad plates that are much better for correct portion control.
2. Eating too fast, which means you are not listening to the "full" signals your stomach is sending you.
3. Snacking between meals. Do you realize how many calories you are really adding to your day. Yeah, yeah, you tell yourself it's just one cookie or one piece of chocolate. But by the time you are done you have added an extra 100-200 calories per day.
4. How many times did you go to the gym this month? Maybe once a week? Twice if you were lucky? Quit making excuses about the cold, the weather, your free time, whatever.
5. Giving in to temptations. Yeah, you heard me. I saw you eat that pint of ice cream and those nachos this weekend. What happened to the good stuff that is supposed to be in your fridge, like cottage cheese, fresh fruit or lean turkey? Haven't seen those in a while have we?

Self: See, you know exactly where you were failing this month.

Me: OK, I know! Get off my back would ya. Can't a guy take a little break once in a while?

Self: Sure you can, but then the scale won't move, is that what you want?

Me: No, I'd really like to see Onderland and beyond.

Self: Well then, I suppose you better work on achieving that goal.

Me: OK, I hear ya, cut me some slack would ya.

Self: So what are you gonna do?

Me: Well, I suppose I could track my food for a while, just to get a grip on the calories I am really consuming. And I suppose I could use my will power to avoid the chocolate and the cookies. Or better yet, I will allow myself to have one, as long as I account for it in my calorie count for the day. And I guess I could commit to going to the gym at least 4 times this week.

Self: You guess?

Me: OK, I WILL commit to going 4 times this week. And I will concentrate on my eating and chew slowly. Is that good enough?

Self: Sounds like a good start. Hey by the way, I really am proud of your progress, and I just want you to keep succeeding. This tough love is just my way of showing you I care.

Me: Yeah, I know. Thanks for the encouragement. I am going to really try to start again today with a new clean slate.

Self: Love ya, man.

Me: I love you too.

Up and Down, Up and Down

Can you imagine the scale said 203 again this morning? Oh my, the roller coaster ride continues. I don't suppose TOM being here right now helps anything--must be why I ate 2 servings of Bunny Tracks ice cream this afternoon, fudge and caramel swirls and chocolate covered peanut butter bunnies, mmm. I am sort of hoping for February to be done so I can start March with a clean slate. That gives me a week to clean up my act. I know what to do, now I just need to do it. I think every once in a while you just need a mental break from following the rules to a T. Then you reset your thinking and life goes on. I think I may be ready for a fill too, it's been about 3 months and I think a little tweak probably wouldn't hurt. At my last fill in late November I think I was at 217, so in three months I have lost 14 being at today's 203, so that really is quite respectable. It's just been so erratic, it feels like less. I need to keep things in perspective and re-focus on getting to Onederland. So close and yet so far!

One Year Comparison Picture

I'm bored at home tonight, so I was reading my blog from a year ago. I was about 60 pounds heavier, wearing size 24 jeans and getting used to life with a lapband. Here's a comparison picture from February 2010 to February 2011. Now's it's size 16 jeans and creeping up on onederland. The picture doesn't exactly show the real difference, except in my face, but trust me there is a huge difference here both physically and emotionally.

Saturday Musings

Well, the scale still reads 202. I am not surprised that the scale is pretty slow right now. I have been hitting the chocolate and Girl Scout cookies pretty hard this last week. Not to mention last night, I had drinks and dinner with friends from work for a few extra calories. But life goes on.

I am still working on the 'hottie in a uniform" project...the plan for phase two is to play a little hard to get. He knows my intentions now, and I don't want to scare him off. So we will see where that takes us this week. This is so complicated and crazy and fun. Lots of ups and downs this week. I am trying to be more positive about things. I think I have a tendency to expect the worst and take the negative side of things especially when it comes to potential relationships. Having thoughts like "I will NEVER meet someone" or "I will ALWAYS be alone." I have a tendency to not believe that I have the ability to be in a relationship, because my history up until this point has been that I was the lonely, fat girl. I am trying to change that and make the insides and the outsides match. I am a constant work in progress!

Update...Hottie in a Uniform

Eeeek! My wish came true! Hottie in a uniform came to my office and talked to me! He said his co-workers teased him that the candy fairy came to visit again. I asked him if it was OK that the candy fairy kept coming, he said yes! OMG, I am on cloud nine again. (P.S. That cologne is going to drive me crazy!) I have such a wonderful warm fuzzy feeling right now. Somebody pinch me...sigh.

Hottie in a Uniform...Part Two

OK, so I did something so totally unlike me again today. I left a cute little pink note #2 for hottie in a uniform at work along with some Hershey's Kisses. This one said...

Just in case you didn't get any from cupid yesterday. (And much safer than a cupcake from your kitchen.) :)

The cupcake comment is in reference to a conversation we had the day before when he wished me Happy Valentine's Day. So now it sits on his desk just waiting for him. I figure either way I would get a reaction...either negatively or positively. The old me would have never dared to leave secret little notes for a crush. OK, I am putting it out to the universe...I want to find love in my life and that means I have to get a little out of my comfort zone once in a while.

So the scenarios running through my head are:

1. He completely ignores it and never mentions it again, sending me a big non-verbal signal to move on.
2. He thinks it's sweet and comes to talk to me about it.
3. He thinks I am a stalker and brings his handcuffs to take me away.

I am hoping for #2, but #3 wouldn't be so bad either, haha. Oh my dear lapband friends could you please send all your good thoughts my way for #2 to happen. Keep your fingers crossed.

Valentine's Day Stinks

It's hard not to be bitter and jaded on a day like today. A whole day devoted to lover's and couples. Yuk! (Read...I'm ridiculously jealous). When will I get my turn? Everywhere I look...TV, radio, work, Facebook, blogs, etc. everyone is talking about Valentine's Day. Is there a phrase like "bah humbug" that could be used on a day like today?

There is nothing worse than seeing happy people. I know I should be joyful for them and happy that they have found love. But wow, I have got a great big case of the green eyed monster of envy today. Being single on Valentine's day makes me feel broken, like there is something terribly wrong with me. I guess the only good part of the day is that since I won't be getting a heart shaped box of chocolates from my love today, I won't have to worry about the weight gain.

OK, girls I have to write a tiny little update here...just when I thought that I hated Valentine's Day...the hottie in a uniform at work told me Happy Valentine's Day today...sigh. :) Now to figure out does that mean something? Am I reading too much into our little interactions in the hallway? At any rate it was sweet and made me smile.

Cure for Baggy Butt...Size 16's!

Well, I went shopping yesterday and bought some new jeans. I fit snugly into a size 16! As usual, I went to the plus size section of the store and then realized that there were no sizes there for me! Woohoo! I can't believe it, I truly am in the regular size section of the store. I also picked up the new sweater I am wearing and two other shirts, all size XL (16/18). I am a little lumpy, with a slight muffin top, but I know that the jeans will fit better every week, so it's better to buy them slightly tight. Plus they have spandex, so they will get roomy throughout the day as I wear them.

Scale says 202 today, which I can live with. It's been up and down this month as my eating habits have been a little off kilter. Hopefully I can get that in check and keep seeing some progress soon. Yippee for 16's!

Another Picture Today...OMG!

I was taking a picture of my baggy jeans...see the previous post for that one. I also took a side shot and damn, I guess I hadn't really looked at one of these in a while, so I put it up against my pre-surgery picture. OMG! It's funny how you don't realize how terribly fat you are until you see what you can be like skinny--and I still have work to do. By the way how do you like the new blonde me? I decided blondes have more fun! OMG, what a crazy difference. That's a shocker to me, I feel like I have blinders on sometimes and just can't see the changes. WLS patients soooooo need to take photos of their progress at regular intervals, it is so important to the change process that is going on both inside and out!

Smack Ass Turns to Baggy Ass

Sometimes the slow and steady weight loss just sneaks up on you. Today I noticed that my "smack ass" jeans--you know the ones, the size 18's that I was ecstatic about a few months ago 'cause I looked like a million bucks in them? Well, here we are, the jeans are straight out of the dryer this morning and I have a baggy butt. Time for some new jeans! So now I am thinking what size is next? Will it be a 16? Or dare I dream for a 14? These jeans were tight in October, now on to the next one!

Well, last night's colon cleanse was a success, everything is clean as a whistle now. Ha ha! Of course after a night like that, the scale was awesome this morning, giving me 201! But I doubt that will stick around. So we will see what today brings. My band was particularly tight this morning. All I had for breakfast was yogurt and that even hurt the slightest bit going down. Such a fickle thing, my band.

I Wish It Hadn't Come To This...But I Gotta Do It

OK, people this will be a TMI post, so look away now if you are squeamish. Yes, it's the much blogged about topic of constipation. I decided after a few days of misery it was time for a little pharmaceutical help. So I took a short trip to the pharmacy and let's just say I will be staying in tonight as I wait for some "action" in 1/2 to 6 hours...please use as directed. If nothing else, perhaps I can count on a little weight loss if my colon is empty! I try so hard to get enough water during the week, but it seems as if I can't keep up enough to allow for "normal" activity from my colon. Well, wish me luck...I'm off to take care of business.

The Opposite

I am a big Seinfeld fan and there is an episode that just really sticks with me lately. George decides that his life is a mess and that he should try doing the opposite. As Jerry says, "If every instinct you have is wrong, then the opposite would have to be right." See the clip here...http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cKUvKE3bQlY. Anyway, so today I decided to do a little more flirting with office guy. I left a little note for him and piece of chocolate--it was in reference to the earlier conversation we had on Tuesday. It is sooooooo unlike me to be that bold and flirtatious. But like George, I figure the opposite has to be right! I feel like a hormonal teenager! Oh my!

In other band news, I lost 100 pounds...again! Thanks to some scale fluctuations I had had bounced from 202 back up to 204. But today I landed back at 203, so I am back to my 100 pound loss again. Ugh, I need to get that under control and keep the scale moving in the right direction. I know exactly why it hasn't been though, not enough time at the gym this week and a free-for-all eating marathon over the weekend. So no big surprises there. Time to kick it back into gear.

Great Day!

I had a wonderful surprise at the end of my workday today. I have been flirting like crazy with a guy at work and today we had some nice exchanges in the hallway like usual. (I find excuses to go to the store room, the cabinet, etc. just to "casually" run into him. It's the highlight of my day to talk to him. What a psycho I am! LOL). I even talked to a female co-worker of his and asked her to scope things out for me and slyly let him know that I was interested. Well, today at 4:30 PM he came into my office and talked to my secretary and I for half an hour! OMG! I was walking on cloud nine at the end of the day. He has never stopped in our office before--let alone stayed and talked for that long. He's such a sweetie and good looking too! I could smell his cologne as he stood next to me talking. Lord help me, I'm weak in the knees! Please pray...keep your fingers crossed...or just do what you can to send me some positive vibes. I sooooo hope this means something. I am such a rookie when it comes to dating and flirting, I need so much help!

Feburary Progress Picture

It's a little early in the month for a progress picture (I usually do it about mid-month) but I was feeling sassy in the outfit I had on today so I decided to snap a picture. Am I cute or what? LOL. Look at me hands on my hips feeling all sassy. :) My scale is fluctuating a bit since I had two pot luck parties this weekend, so I am not sure if we can call this my 100 pounds lost picture, or my hundred pounds lost with a slight increase of 2 temporary pounds--so it could be 202 or 204 depending on which outlook you want to take.

I like the fact that I am actually getting a bit of a defined waist and my hips are getting slimmer all the time. And I love the fact that my face is minus some double chins. My smile is a thousand times better and my eyes look brighter and more alive. I feel younger too. So much more energy. Little by little I am changing into the person I want to be. As always, there is much work to do, but it will come with patience and perseverance.

Can I Tell You a Secret?

Can I tell you something...this comes from way down deep in my soul and it's something I rarely shared with people in my former life...sigh. We know how much of this journey is emotional as much as physical right? Well, here's the deal. To say the least I guess I would be described as a late bloomer. If you've read previous posts of mine you are aware that I was 38 before I lost my virginity (OMG, I can't believe I share that on a blog!). Anyway, I have waited a long time in my life to find love. As the fat girl since childhood the opportunities just didn't exist. Anyway, lately I have been trying my hardest to change that. It's crazy, painful, exciting, manic, fun, disappointing, exhilarating, hopeful, crushing, soul baring, scary, wonderful, horrible and a thousand other adjectives.

I realize that as some sort of protective mechanism I shut down a whole part of my personality for decades. I convinced myself that being alone was OK, that I wasn't lonely and that I could fill my life with a lot of wonderful things that would be enough. Now I realize that I want so badly to be loved, to be courted, to experience romance and to just know what it feels like for a man to give you his heart. I want this so bad for my life it is painful...I'm crying as I write this. There is such a hole in my heart and as I continue to lose weight and reinvent who I am I realize how much I denied those feelings and now they are suddenly flooding to the top.

So now I find myself so unsure of how to do this. I feel like a gawky teenager. Nervous, unsure, neurotic, scared. I know to reach this goal, to get what I want, I am going to have be brave and confident and sure of myself and it scares the bejeezus out of me. I feel so backward. It is the odd combination of pain and pleasure to pursue love. I know the pain of loneliness and wanting more and right now I have to decide which is the lesser of two evils...the risk and reward of doing nothing, or doing something. I feel like I am having some sort of awakening of my life and these growing pains are so difficult to deal with. Ugh! I am balling like a baby as I write this, guess I needed to purge some thoughts..things I hid from family, friends and the outside world for far too long. I want so much for my life and I need courage to pursue it.

I don't think I realized how much emotional baggage I have been carrying with me for so long. I am having a little crisis of figuring out who I am. I am not who I was...but I don't think I am who I want to be either. I am in limbo...changed for the better, but still not the person I know I can be. This is an odd place to be. So the outside looks different and little by little the inside is trying to catch up with the outside. What an incredible amount of work I have to do yet. Losing 100 pounds may have been the easy part. Now to ditch the 100 pounds of baggage in my head.

Can I Get a Woohoo for 202!

Thank you dear scale for giving me a 202 this morning! Another pound closer to onederland! I hope this losing trend continues. You just never know when the scale will move. Sometimes you think you are doing all the right things and the scale won't budge. Then when you feel like you are cheating a little on calories or not exercising much and then scale will give you a bonus pound. What a freaking mystery. So happy to see a new number! :)

Food Guilt?

Ever have guilt about eating certain foods? Tonight I got done at the gym and decided to stop by Taco John's to pick something up for supper--yes I know that's a little odd work out then eat junk food! I ordered a taco and nachos and the calories added up to 560, not the best nutritionally of course, but I was still in line for the whole day's calories. Why do I feel guilty about eating it? I haven't eaten at TJ's in months, so this really was a treat. Actually I rarely eat out anymore, it's too complicated.

In comparison I used to eat TJ's at least once a week as my fat self, and the most common meal combo I got would equal 1100 calories--that's not that far off from my total calories I allow for the whole day now! So why do I have this little twinge of guilt? Of course now my band is hurting a bit, it's like payback for choosing the wrong thing. Ugh!

The Fat Kid on a Teeter Totter

Today I was talking to a co-worker who asked me if I had met my weight loss milestone of losing 100 pounds. I said yes, which was awesome and told the group that I was getting close to being under 200 pounds too. Then he said the funniest comment, he said "Hey, we can teeter totter now!" It made me laugh, just because it's true, I am slowly getting closer to being normal!

For those of you who were heavy as young people, you know the stigma and shame when you were the fat kid on the teeter totter, and you needed two friends to sit on the other end to make things work. It is so nice to know that little by little I am starting to fit a little bit better into the world. So to all the former fat kids...I hope you find someone to teeter totter with! :)