Goodbye 2010!

Well, I suppose it is mandatory to write a year end post that sums up the year 2010, so here goes. Let's do the ABC's of me in 2010...

A - Adding exercise to my regular routine.

B - Blogging to measure my progress.

C - Cheryl became number one priority in my life.

D - Dreaming of reaching my goal weight.

E - Eating better foods that fuel my body.

F - Finding out who I am really am.

G - Getting to shop in the "normal" section of the store for clothes.

H - Having the ability to change my life.

I - I am finding my self worth.

J - Jogging on the treadmill.

K - Keeping my momentum and still losing weight.

L - Lexapro is a wonder drug! I love my happy meds.

M - Meeting a guy and having some "fun" (wink, wink, smile!)

N - New sizes in clothing is awesome.

O - Only I can change my life.

P - People in my life have been great cheerleaders to encourage me.

Q - Quit being so negative. (I still have my moments, but it's better!)

R - Really losing almost 100 pounds total!

S - Scale keeps changing all the time.

T- Therapy helped me sort things out.

U - Using all my skills and abilities to change my life.

V - Viewing life from a new perspective.

W - Wanting more from my life, and going after it.

X - eXamining the reasons I got to 303 pounds and getting rid of some baggage.

Y - Yes I can!

Z - Zipping up my size 18 pants and having room to spare.

So there it is, the ABC's of me for 2010. Wishing you health and happiness in 2011. I hope all your dreams come true!

Do You Ever...

Do you ever feel like you are still fat? I have been having some thoughts lately about not being "good enough". Good enough by whose standards? I don't know. I think it has a lot to do with the fact that I would love to be in a relationship, still looking for Mr. Right. But I have this horrible feeling that I will never have that. I certainly wasn't a catch at 303 pounds and now 90 pounds lighter, I still don't feel like I will ever catch the attention of a guy. So in some respects I still feel exactly the same as the 303 pound me. I suppose if I was still in therapy I would be discussing this with my therapist, but since I gave that up I suppose I will have to sort out my thoughts here on the blog.

It may take a little extra time to gain back some of my self worth. I think I was living so miserably for so long that I didn't even realize how many of those feelings I was stuffing inside and not talking about. Now with every pound of fat that is gone I feel like I also have to rid myself of a pound of mental baggage that I have been carrying. Whew! That's hard work. I sure hope that one day my mind will catch up with my body. So tonight, even though I know I am 90 pounds lighter, I still have a few pounds of baggage to shed.

Things Are a Little Stalled

Well with the holidays, things with my weight loss are a little stalled. I saw 209, then it disappeared. For now I am sticking to 210 and I guess I can live with that. It's still a loss of 4 pounds for the month. I finally got back to the gym tonight had a good workout on the ellipticals, treadmill and the weights. It felt good to move again and try to work off some calories. Otherwise, there's very little going on in my life right now. Kind of in the winter doldrums, hopefully things will get a little more interesting in the new year.

The Eating Marathon is Over!

Well, another holiday behind us, and that hopefully means that the marathon of eating is done. Thankfully I didn't go too overboard this year, but I definitely ate more than a usual day and snacked on all sorts of goodies. Why are the holidays centered around food? The scale has fluctuated a little, it jumped back up to 210 this past week after staying at 209 for a while. Now I have to work on getting back to the oh's again. Ugh! Such a never ending battle. But I am trying to keep my perspective, I have made such progress this year, I can't let one little pound get me in a tizzy. It always amazes me how hard it is to lose a pound but it seems insanely easy to put it back on. It's feeding frenzy's like the last few days that make me think I will never be done battling my weight. It will always be something I have to think about. Thank God for my lap band, if that wasn't there I would still be a miserable 300 pounds. Instead I can be happy that I am a 210 pound work in progress.

Overheard at the Gym

Tonight at the gym there were three ladies who were barely working out...they spent more time talking than actually exercising. Of course they were all skinny and cute. I'm there sweating my ass off and huffing and puffing. Life is not fair. Anyway, as I am giving it my all on the ellipticals I couldn't help but overhear their conversation, and it made me laugh to hear them discussing the fact that one of them was recovering from her recent breast implant surgery. There was a little satisfaction in knowing that the people that I often "judge" as perfection--you know...thin, pretty and seemingly having it all are not so happy with themselves. Guess it just goes to show that we all have things we want to fix or change about ourselves and in the end it is not what the world thinks of us, but instead what we think of ourselves. I know that I am a work in progress and that's OK.

Bloated Whale

Finally made it back to the gym tonight. I was the only one there which is really unusual. Most of the time I have to work out with skinny beeatch with the tight, low cut shirt and about 3 guys with a total Napoleon complex--you know the type under 5' 7" and trying to build muscles to feel like a man. So the three Napoleon boys oogle low cut beeatch. Boy do I feel like chopped liver, LOL. So it was quite nice to have the place to myself. The other alternative is to go to the gym in the early morning and then I am with the wrinkled senior citizen set. Just can't win. So at least I had a nice workout.

I am feeling like a total bloated whale today, so I am almost afraid to look at the scale, 'cause I am guessing that for the next few days the scale is gonna be all over the place thanks to my lady hormones. Isn't that just an absolute joy to deal with? Can I hear an amen! Up until today I had been holding steady to 209, we will see what tomorrow's number will look like--just gotta keep perspective, that number is not real weight gain and it will hopefully right itself in a week or so.

Snow Shoveling Workout

Well, I didn't make it to the gym today but boy did I ever get a workout. I didn't get home until 10:00 PM tonight and knew that I had some shoveling to do. We got several inches of snow today and while I was gone to work the plows left a lovely 1 foot ridge of hard packed snow at the end of my driveway. So I spent an hour shoveling snow tonight. Neighbors probably thought I was crazy for shoveling so late. But I couldn't get my car in the driveway until I cleared things out. I didn't think I was ever going to get done. Now I am cold and worn out. But the calorie counter say that one hour of shoveling snow for a person of my weight is worth 608 calories, that rocks! I am going to feel it tomorrow.

I had dart league tonight and we had a Christmas potluck, wow is it hard to not overdo. Everything was so yummy. I ate a little too much and my band hurt all night, that'll show me! But it was all those wonderful dips and appetizers and meat and cheese trays, all the wonderful stuff you only eat a few times a year. Overall, my plate was pretty sparse compared to previous years, but for my new little stomach, I overdid it just a wee bit. All told, I think my calories for the day were on target and the shoveling will help a lot.

Cookie Monster

Today I found myself repeating an old behavior and it kinda caught me off guard. I was alone in the break room at work and I snuck a cookie off the holiday tray. I hurried to eat it before any of my co-workers came into the break room. Sneaking food and eating alone, there's an old behavior that I thought I had managed to get rid of. I don't know why I felt like I had to hide it today. I just felt like I shouldn't let people know that I was snacking, perhaps I don't want to be judged, or feel like a failure? I don't know. While it's no ones business what I choose to eat during the day, I shouldn't feel like I have to hide it. It was one cookie for crying out loud, and I can eat one cookie---I just can't eat ten of them.

I am feeling a little fickle about success lately I guess. Every once in a while I hear story about someone who has failed at weight loss surgery and gained their weight back. I hope and pray I am not one of those people, but I sometimes feel like someone (me) is going to pull out the rug from under me and all this progress will disappear. I think there are several issues at play here that are not lap band related, things that I have sought therapy for in the past. Self esteem issues, not feeling good enough, looking for validation, all that garbage. I have a few other life issues right now that are stressing me a bit, and I think when that happens, I tend to "run home to mamma" and in this case that is using old behaviors ingrained in my brain, such as seeking comfort food.

I just need to sort out my feelings here, and I suppose my blog is a good place to do it. It's interesting how long it really takes to change behaviors and patterns in your life and how easily it can be to slip back into them. I guess the difference today, is that I recognized it and and I am trying to figure out why it happened and I won't let it slip me up. OK, self so here's a pep talk. One cookie is not going to kill you and it's OK if people see you eat one and you don't need to explain to anyone what you are eating and why--only you need to know that. At the end of the day you are the one accountable for your calories. You have made a huge change in your life and it shows by the 90+ pounds gone off the scale, so get over your cookie from this afternoon and move on.

Second thought here, why did I want the cookie? Was I bored? Hungry? Craving sugar? What made me want it? I think I was a little hungry. Perhaps I haven't been allowing myself enough calories. I have been really trying to lose this month, and I think perhaps I am limiting my calories a bit too much. I also know that because I am feeling good restriction right now, I am not getting as much food down as I have in the past. Maybe I need to plan for a healthy mid afternoon snack and that way the cookies won't get to me. I have been trying to eat just my 3 meals a day, per my surgeons plan for success. But maybe I need to think about a low cal mid day pick me up. I have upped my calorie burning with more exercise this month, and perhaps my body is trying to tell me, give me some fuel! Good thoughts here, so glad I am learning to work through this stuff rather than fall back into old patterns. The old me would have had 3-4 cookies and then had a full supper and a snack later. Learn from it and leave it behind.

Back to the Gym

Wow, I took a little break from the gym, and it was so hard to want to go back...ugh. But I finally moved my ass out of my recliner and headed outside. I worked out for about an hour, so at least I can say that I wasn't completely worthless and lazy on a Saturday. Scale is still giving me 209, so glad it was willing to stick for me, on to 208! I have been trying to eat well. I have been really tight lately, which can be a good thing. It's been a little fickle. I definitely have restriction, and most of the time it is just right, but once in a while it is super tight and I feel like I am barely getting anything down. I don't think I can complain though, it just makes me think twice about chewing and eating slowly. It's all good. Life is good.

Oh, Oh, Oh...Two Oh Nine!

Thank you scale gods! I saw 209 this morning. I am not sure if it will stick, but dammit, I saw it! I love it when I get into the next weight bracket and this one is a very exciting one. Being in the two-oh's is awesome. Getting that much closer to saying goodbye to the 200's altogether. I can't believe that I am so close to that. We are talking decades of being in the 200's. I was in high school the last time I was under 200 and I am no spring chicken.

Slow and steady weight loss is a good thing, but boy can it drive you crazy as you get so wrapped up in one pound at a time you can easily forget the accumulative effect that each of those pounds adds up to. Like right now, I am totally obsessed with the next 9 pounds, but I forget that I wouldn't even be here if I hadn't lost the 94 pounds prior to that. What an amazing journey this has been, some days I still feel like this is somebody else's life.

I Don't Want To

I don't want to go to the gym tonight. It's cold out, I'm tired and I have a thousand other excuses. It wouldn't be the end of the world to take a day off, but I am just having one of those days. That's when I should really force myself to go to the gym. The workout would do me good, but right now I think it would take a fork lift to get me out of my recliner. I am always afraid that if I skip a day it is the start of a slippery slope of not going the next day, and the next. But if if use some reverse psychology here, perhaps if I allow myself a day off today, it wouldn't feel like such a chore. Am I talking in circles or what? I should go, I don't want to and I guess I am trying to convince myself it's ok, or give myself permission to have one slacker night. Ugh!

Here's the upside, I am very happy with weight loss so far this month, I am already down 4 pounds and it is only half way through the month. So that is going well. But I sooooo want to see 209 on the scale. That is the only reason I want to go to the gym because I know that will help me get there faster. But I cannot get my ass out of my chair. Some days your mind is your biggest enemy.

It's My Bandiversary!

One year ago today, December 15, 2009 I changed my life. I am so glad that I made that decision for myself. It has been a crazy year changing both physically and emotionally. So here are some quick stats:

Total Weight Loss from my High of 303: 93 pounds

Surgery Weight: 277

Today's Weight: 210

Weight Loss Since Surgery: 67 pounds, an average of 1.28 pounds per week.

Pants Size: Size 30 to Size 18

Shirt Size: Size 4X to Size XL

So here's the pictures you've all been waiting for of me and my huge pants! This was my pre-op picture, I am at about 285 pounds in a 3X shirt and size 30 jeans.

Holy cow, there's almost room for another person in there! All that belly fat is gone! Well--a good portion of it anyway! And look at those sleeves, before they were tightly stretched across my big fat upper arms. Now it's loose (even with my bat wings!) I think the third picture is my favorite shot. That's an awful lot of denim! I'm so glad that I am filling out less of it. Things are only going to get better from here! Happy Bandiversary to me!!!!

Biggest Loser Finale!

Woohoo! I got home from a great workout at the gym, had a nice healthy supper and now I am chillaxin watching the Biggest Loser finale. I love looking at the contestants at their goal weights and I just imagine what I will look and feel like at my goal weight. Some of them look so good at 190 or 180, it really gives me hope. I really am still wondering what a good final weight for me will be. I am at a point right now that I am about as "small" as I have ever been as an adult. So everything from here on in is just a bonus. I dream of being smaller than my friends and my sisters, a feat I have never accomplished. I just want to be smaller than someone else, LOL.

Countdown to my Bandiversary

I am so excited...tomorrow is my bandiversary! I am just bursting at the seams to write tomorrow's post and add the one year progress pictures. Where has the time gone? The clock is ticking...

Getting Laid...One Heck of an NSV

Well, after seeing the writing on the wall this past weekend I decided to call it quits with my eHarmony guy. I wanted more, he wasn't interested in more and as much as he wanted to be "just friends" my poor inexperienced heart just couldn't live with that.

I learned something about myself tonight...I am worth something. Being the fat girl my whole life, I do not have much experience with relationships---ok let's be totally honest with you, my blogging sisters, I am 38 and this is the first one for me. Yep, there I said it. I was a total virgin up until about 2 months ago. For a long time I was embarrassed about that, another hurtful part about being overweight much of my life. I was missing out on so much. No boyfriends in high school, no prom, no first kiss, no dates in college. How could anyone like me when I couldn't like myself at 300 pounds? One of my favorite movies is the 40 Year Old Virgin--perhaps because I could relate so well to it. I am happy to say that eHarmony guy was at least good for one thing...as I can say I checked one thing off my bucket list before I turned 40!

What I realized tonight was that I deserve more from life. It's ok for me to have hopes and dreams and to not settle for a guy because I am living in fear that another one may not come along who could love a fat girl/former fat girl. There is an unbelievable amount of baggage there that I need to deal with and I think I am doing it a little tonight. It's OK to want more, and to ask for what you need.

Ha ha, I just thought of something, I suppose losing my virginity is an NSV...perhaps it is the NSV of all NSV's! Better mark that one down on the list of lapband accomplishments. I will shout it from the rooftops, I don't care who knows. Weight loss helped me get laid for the first time...and the second...and the third. Here's to a whole lot more opportunities to get laid!

New Number!

I love it when the scale cooperates. This morning I saw 210! Are you kidding me? Two freakin ten! I don't even know when I was that light--high school for sure. Only as a teenager, never as an adult. Some days I just don't believe the numbers. I hope and pray that the pounds keep coming off. I love it when I don't have to work so hard at it. It just proves the point that I really needed my last fill. I need to do a better job of recognizing when those band changes occur.

When you band is working it is so "easy" to lose weight. I have awesome restriction since my last fill and going to the gym has really helped too. I love it when things are going right...shhh, don't want to jinx myself! It's an awesome month so far, down 4 pounds already and over half a month to go. Hope I can keep it up.

NSV...I Think?

Here's a new one, I have lost so much weight in my fingers I think I am finally going to have to stop wearing my rings before I lose them. They have been twisting and twirling around my fingers for months, but I think I finally got to the point where I think I may lose them taking my gloves on and off. So I think today is the day I take them off for good, and put them away for safe keeping. I have been wearing some of these rings for 20+ years, so it's kinda sad to take them off. So I guess it's an NSV? Perhaps it's a good excuse to go jewelry shopping--or asking that special someone to go shopping for me...haha, yeah right. Keep on dreaming.

In other news, I braved the cold to go to the gym this morning. Had a nice workout for about an hour. Even made it to 20 minutes on the ellipticals! Woohoo! This afternoon I am headed out on the road to see my eHarmony friend...friend with benefits...sweetie...honey...significant other...that guy who texts me every day? Hell if I know how to define what we are doing, but at any rate I am off to see that guy, LOL. I hope it's a good day. :)

TGIF

Oh I am so glad it is Friday! This week has been an absolute mine field of cookies and Christmas goodies. I couldn't say no to them all together, but I think I managed to make up for my calories throughout the day and I was stellar at getting to the gym. The scale has been kind, today I was at 211 again. I can't complain since it is headed in the right direction.

I had a good workout at the gym again tonight. Worked out on the ellipticals for 15 minutes, which is a new high for me, I am slowly working up my stamina on those. Also did combination walk/jog on the treadmill and then finished with weights. I am so glad I joined the gym, it will keep me working in the right direction.

Projectile Sliming...A New Experience!

Ok kids, this might be a little TMI for some of you who are squeamish...if so stop reading now. Ok, for those of you that can handle it, I have to tell you about my experience today with projectile sliming. OMG! I was headed to a holiday party/work meeting this morning and I decided that I should have a healthy snack prior to getting there so that I would avoid eating some high calorie, low nutrient foods. So I am driving down the road and I start eating an apple. I'm starting to feel a little tight, but I figure the feeling will pass. I am chewing like a trooper, really giving the peeling what for. Then I feel the sliming start, well guess that's my last bite of apple, so I throw the rest out the window.

Then the sliming really kicked in. Then I was really feeling a PB coming on and then suddenly my body decided that I needed a combination cough/PB and suddenly I am driving down the road at 65 miles an hour and there is a ball of slime being projected out of my mouth! My hand was the only thing stoping a large ball of slime from covering the windshield. I was literally holding a handful of slime trying to drive, reach for a tissue...an empty cup...an empty water bottle...anything to contain this wad...literally, a cup full of oozing alien slime. Damn who cleaned out my car? What in the world can I spew into? Should I pull over? Damn too much traffic! Finally I found a Wal-Mart bag and I deposited my slime, hoping to heaven that there wasn't a hole in the bottom of the bag. Now, that I have finally put down the slime ball, I see a napkin stuffed between the seats. I grab it and attempt to wipe my hand off. Good grief, what is this stuff made of! Then I had to check the front of my jacket and sweater to make sure I had not slimed right down the front of myself. That would be interesting to explain at my meeting...sorry about the stain, I spit up this morning! Thank goodness there was no one else in the car with me, they would have been absolutely horrified by this event. Ah the life of a lap bander...note to self it may be time to start taking the peeling off your apples before you eat them.

December Progress Picture & New Number

I felt cute in my new-to-me $2 bargain sweater today so I thought it was a good day to post my December progress picture. Plus, I saw a new number on the scale this morning too, so that made me feel awesome. So here I am at my current weight of 211. I am just a few days away from celebrating my bandiversary. I will get out my fat girl pants and do a before and after picture for that day...can't wait. I am so amazed by my progress. I am actually starting to believe the progress pictures, getting a little skinnier all the time.

I have been really good about getting to the gym---hey do you think that exercise might have something to do with the scale moving? Amazing concept huh? I can taste the two-oh's...as in 209, 208, etc. and then it's not far off from onederland. Crazy!

Lost my Willpower

I had a work meeting today and I was going to be soooooo good and not eat the Hershey's Kisses on the table, and I was also not going to eat the frosted sugar cookies, and I was also not going to have a cup of hot cider...ummm yeah, what happened to your willpower today? Holy cow, before I knew it I had devoured a 190 calorie cookie, 160 calories of Kisses and probably 130 calories in the glass of cider. Excuse me? Nearly 500 calories for that junk? What in the world was I doing? Well, at least I can say the whole day wasn't shot. I made up for my little binge by taking it easy on my supper calories. But oh my. It is so easy to just lose your mind.


I tried to tell myself that I wasn't going to have any, but after being in the same meeting room with the same people droning on hour after hour, I just craved it. So I started with one Kiss, then one more, then another then the person next to me had a cookie and I could smell the sweet yummyness. You know the cookies I am talking about...the super soft frosted sugar cookies that they typically sell at Wal-Mart. I've been known to eat whole packages in a weekend. So now I am sitting here getting myself geared up to back out in the cold to go to the gym. I would much rather sit in the warmth of my recliner, but I know I have to push myself...ugh!

Update...just got home from an hour workout at the gym. I feel so much better knowing I got in some physical activity today. It was a good workout, lots of cardio and more weight training. I am even getting better on the ellipticals, they are getting a little easier every time I get on them. Woohoo! So glad I got moving. Hope I start to see the scale move, been on 213 for a while now which is awesome, but I am ready to see 212!

Ooh..wait I forgot one more thing. I did some thrift store shopping today and I am so excited to say I found 3 sweaters, very cute brand name stuff and in great condition for the grand total of, get ready for it...$6.36. Awesome! Already have them in the wash so I can wear one to work tomorrow. One of them was a 1X and the other two were XL's. Awesome!

Being Average

Great post by Barb over at My Lucky Lapband got me thinking tonight and I decided that it would be a great topic to post over here tonight too. She asked if we ever fantasized about being thin. I don't think I have ever thought about being thin--instead it's more about not being as fat as I am today. This whole body image thing is a bit of a moving target for me. I was just talking to a friend at work today about the fact that I have always been fat--it was just varying degrees of fat. When I was in high school I probably weighed 200+ and I was fat. Then in my thirties I found my way to the 300's and I was fat. Both of them felt pretty much the same at the time...clothes don't fit, no energy, no dating life, low self esteem, pretty much a life at less than.

But wow, it isn't until I gained a little perspective that I realize that 200 can feel "skinny" after you've seen 300. But it's all relative, because I may think 200 is skinny, but compared to someone who is 150, it is still fat. Eek! It's like a damn riddle. There are days I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror and think, "wow look at you skinny!" But put me up against some rail thin model and I would feel huge. Figuring out how to make the image in the mirror match the image in your head really takes some doing. So do I fantasize about being thin? I don't think so, because I have never known thin. It's unattainable, something I can't wrap my head around. So instead I would say that I fantasize about being "average" whatever that means. Just to have someone look at you and not judge you by the fat suit you are wearing, instead to just look at you and say she's average.

Another Good Workout

Went to the gym again today and had a good hour long work out again. Feeling good. :) I used to have a listing of my measurements on my blog but I think I lost it when I changed my template. Darn it wish I had written that down somewhere else. Oh well, all I know is I am shrinking and that's good. Might have to search my old posts to see if I wrote it down anywhere.

Who Knew I Had Muscles?

Worked out again this morning. I found some muscles I hadn't used in a while. Did 45 minutes of cardio and then 15 of weight lifting. I am so glad I got the gym membership again. It was just the motivation I needed to start my exercise again. I don't mind the treadmill, but it can get a little boring so I mixed it up with walking and jogging...me! jogging! I may not look real athletic, but at least I am trying. The recumbent bike is ok, but I get bored easily. I hate the stair climber, holy crap that kicks my ass, but I do a couple of minutes just to try to build up my stamina. Ellipticals are ok, good calorie burn, I gotta keep working on adding minutes. Weights are fun, feels like I am actually working my body...feel the burn. Today I also worked on some core strengthening with a balance ball. Best thing about the gym is that I can keep hopping from one thing to the next and never have the same workout two days in a row. Hope I can stay motivated to keep going!

I Got Off my Fat Ass!

I finally got off my fat ass and went to the gym. I did an hour workout including 45 minutes of cardio on the treadmill, ellipticals, stair climber, recumbent bike and then weight lifted the last 15 minutes. I feel awesome, I forgot how good it feels once you get done with a workout, love those endorphins. I treated myself to some new workout clothes, a cute pair of black yoga pants and a couple of bright t-shirts. I hope the scale gives me some quick positive feedback so that I will want to run to the gym at every chance. I'm planning on going back again tomorrow--as soon as a shovel the snow out of my driveway, it's snowing like crazy here right now. Then again maybe my shovel will give me enough of a workout, lol. We'll see.

Joined the Gym

I decided it was time to get serious about my exercise again so today I went and signed up for my gym membership again. I am actually looking forward to it. Now I just have to find some decent workout clothes that I wouldn't be embarrassed to wear out in public! Shopping opportunity I guess.

I had a membership one other time and I really did enjoy using the stuff there. Now I see they have added more new equipment too, including a stair climber. Now I just need to get into the habit of going on a regular basis. I think getting more physically active will help in several areas. Number one it will help to stave off those winter doldrums and it should kick my weight loss in high gear again, helping me to get to onederland that much quicker! So I am excited for 5:00 o'clock to come today and I can head out to try out all the new equipment tonight. Maybe I will find some muscles I forgot I had.

I've Lost 90 Pounds!

Woo hoo! I did it, I saw 213 on the scale this morning. That means I get to mark another major milestone off my to do list. I Have officially lost 90 pounds total (64 since surgery). That is a crazy number to write here. Yippee for me! Next stop 100 pounds and onederland. I sure hope I don't have to fight so hard for these next 10 pounds--let's worry about that later, for today I am celebrating!

It is so awesome to keep marking off each accomplishment. This lapband thing is a long and slow process and sometimes you can get so stuck on one pound at a time, but when you add them all together it is awesome. What a huge difference this has made in my life. I can't imagine why I waited so long to help myself. I think of some of my friends who are fat and miserable and their health is failing and I just want to slap them in the face and say save yourself! I would not trade my lapband experience for anything in the world.

I Lost 2 Pounds in November!

Well, after a very tumultuous ride in the month of November I am so pleased to say that my official weight loss for the month of November was 2 pounds. I was so afraid that I would have a gain last month. So I am so glad to say it is December 1 and I am starting the month off at 214.

There are lots of milestones to hit this month, as I will be celebrating my bandiversary on December 15. Watch for upcoming pictures featuring my largest size pants and what I look like in them today...woohoo! They are just 5 sizes larger than what I wear now. That's insane. Another milestone I hope to see in the next few days is a 90 pound total weight loss. I can't wait to see 213 on the scale. Once I hit that I will be sliding ever so much closer to the big ones in the next month or two (cross my fingers)...100 pounds gone and onederland! I am just bursting with anticipation.

I really need to kick it in the ass when it comes to exercise though, I know that would help me reach my goals quicker, but wow I am struggling to get motivated to do any sort of physical activity. Since it is the first of the month I should give myself a little mini challenge here. Might have to think on that and report back tonight. I will work on that.

Pounds are Gone...So Is My Insulating Fat Suit

Anybody else with a significant weight loss feel cold? I know my thyroid, etc are all normal, just had my blood work done. And I don't think I am getting sick. But I swear I am colder this year than I have ever been before. I used to walk to and from my car and buildings without a coat on in the middle of winter. I hated wearing a winter jacket.

Tonight I am sitting in a 70 degree house with polar fleece pants on, a hooded sweatshirt (with the hood up!) and an afghan on and I have yet to feel warm. Used to be that a turtleneck and a sweater would have left me sweating, now I crave layers and layers. I am just cold! Do you think losing nearly 90 pounds of insulating fat might have something to do with it? Brrrr! Might have to find some low calorie hot chocolate to warm my insides.

I Survived Thanksgiving!

Well, I got through Thanksgiving without stuffing myself too much. In fact I came home tonight to happily find the scale at 214! That is getting wonderfully close to a 90 pound total loss for me pre-op and post-op--just gotta see 213. That's crazy. I used a salad plate at Thanksgiving dinner and it made me feel so happy. I did eat more than I usually would, but in comparison to previous years I ate just a smidge.

One of my family's holiday traditions is to make lefse, for those of you who don't know what that is, it is a traditional Norwegian flat bread of sorts. It's made from potatoes, and is sort of like a soft shell taco shell. Knowing how I can't tolerate soft shells anymore, I figured that my lefse eating days were behind me. I was right. I snitched the smallest little morsel and it hurt my band. So I just avoided them. That was killer, to give up a tradition from my whole life.

Speaking of things I had given up post surgery, one of my other ultimate favorites was popcorn. I would eat it by the truckload if I could. My family and I went to Harry Potter at the theater and I couldn't help but snitch some popcorn from my sister's bucket. I ate handful after handful and I waited for it to turn on me. I finally quit when it hurt just a little bit. It was so buttery and delicious. That was the most I have eaten since surgery. So I cheated a little and tried a few potentially troublesome foods, but in the end I think I did pretty good over the weekend and the scale is showing a loss for the month if I can just hang onto it for another day or two. If I can make 214 stick, that is a two pound loss for November and I will shout from the rooftops, 'cause I didn't think I would have a loss this month. Keep your fingers crossed!

What Real Women Look Like

I was looking on the internet tonight searching for images of what a size 18 woman looks like. I have been having some moments lately where I just don't believe what I look like. For instance seeing my reflection in a window as I walk by. I feel like my legs are a mile long some days, but I just don't know what a size 18, 5 foot 6 body looks like and I don't trust my own judgement. I found this really cool website at My Body Gallery. You can look up random pictures of different REAL people and see what a typical body might look at a particular weight. It really gives you some perspective and also you can look ahead to a goal weight to imagine what that might look like. Too skinny, too fat, just right? Very cool. Helps give you some perspective.

Oh Sweet Restriction!

I didn't realize how much I needed a fill. I am feeling great restriction now. It's like realizing I have a band again. I can still eat, but I definitely know that I gotta go slow and chew, chew, chew. This morning for instance, I had my usual Frosted Mini Wheats--good fiber, lol. I had half as much as I usually have and felt full and stopped eating. Awesome.

Guess what??? The scale said 216 again this morning...eeeeekkkk, I screamed with delight. I thought this month was a lost cause. Now all the sudden I have hope. But when I write this one down in the books I may have to put an asterisk behind it, 'cause even if I end up with a loss, just putting a number down like -2 or -3 does not adequately explain the roller coaster ride those few pounds caused. Reminder to self, when you are struggling that hard you need a fill, duh!

Oh Kind Scale...Thanks for Going the Right Direction

So glad to see the scale cooperating a little again. This morning it was back down to 217. I suddenly have hope again that with my latest fill and a few days of mushies I may actually see a loss for the month. I need to get to 215 at the very least to claim a one pound loss for the month of November. That would make my day after the chaos I have seen with this month's scale. Anything beyond that would be icing on the cake. Ever notice how many sayings there are about food?

• That was a piece of cake.


• He's a bad egg.


• I'm as cool as a cucumber.


• I've got bigger fish to fry.


• She's nutty as a fruitcake.


• It's as easy as pie.


• I'm a couch potato.


• Take it with a grain of salt.


• Don't spill the beans.


• Go bananas!


• He thinks he's the big cheese.


• That's the way the cookie crumbles.

No wonder I have food on the brain all the time. LOL. Just a random thought for the day.

TGIF...On Monday?

TGIF...Thank God I'm Filled! I made the 400+ mile round trip to my doc's office today and bless Kristin, the PA's heart for giving me some saline! Who hoo, I feel better already. It's like a reset button in my head. It always helps to have to slow down and have a day or two of mushies, and then you think twice about what you cram down your throat as you aren't exactly sure what will go down. Getting fills is like getting a lap-band refresher course.

I know I have been getting a little lax on my band rules so it was good to discuss some strategies with Kristin. It gave me some new things to work on. I am glad that I am going to be a little tight over Thanksgiving too. Hopefully that will be a good deterrent to stuffing myself. Leave the stuffing for the turkey, thank you very much.

I was actually surprised, as much as I have been bitching about not losing (and potentially gaining) in November my nurse said that I had lost 12 pounds since my last fill on August 17. That's actually an average of 4 pounds per month which is quite respectable. It's just been this last month that has freaked me out. So I am glad to be filled and I hope I find my sweet spot again!

Thanks for the Kick in the Ass Band Groupie!

For a good read, head on over to Band Groupies blog for an awesome post on getting the most from your LB. I needed this kick in the ass from her today... http://bandgroupiethesweetspot.blogspot.com/2010/11/111910-its-not-just-tool.html.

I just got off the phone with my doc's office and scheduled a fill for Monday. I soooooo was not recognizing that I needed a fill. I realize now I was getting into a diet mentality. I was not letting my band tell me I was satisfied. Duh! I hit such a brick wall this month and I was getting into bad thoughts about that dirty "D" word...dieting. I am not on a diet!

I also forgot how to eat as a lap bander--protein first so you feel satisfied and not hungry. I need my sweet spot! Stop using your brain so much and use the tool that the surgeon placed inside ALONG with your brain--together they are a powerful force! Thanks Band Groupie, you are wise beyond your years!

Giving Up on November?

I am so frustrated with the month of November I am tempted to just forget about this month, whatever gain I have I just deal with it. It's just too hard right now to try to eat right and exercise. I know that is a bad idea, but I think I just need to reset my brain. Perhaps if I allow myself to have this "time off" from thinking so damn hard about it, it will free up my mind to refocus on things in December. Ahhhh...I feel better already. I just need to get rid of this self- induced pressure I am putting on myself. I need a little time to just forget about all the rules for a while, scale be damned. Then December 1st, I promise I will start fresh with a much better perspective.

News Flash...I'm to Blame

This is not going well. This morning I stepped on the scale to see 221. That is up 5 pounds for the month. Yes, I said up, not down. This is not the direction I need. I don't know how to stop this freight train of a mess. My life feels so out of control right now when it comes to food. My work has got me stressed out, eating the wrong things and I have very little control over what's available for food this week as I am on on the road and involved in several meetings that include meals. Although I know that ultimately, I am in control of what goes into my mouth, but this schedule this past few weeks is kicking my ass.

I am also contributing a few pounds of gain to starting the Pill this month. That isn't helping anything both physiologically and hormonally and I know I have some water weight and some hormonally guided eating choices. It also doesn't help that there is a holiday next week and we know how food is often the centerpiece of those family gatherings.

I have been reading up on the 5 day pouch test, I am sure you've seen this. It's a way to sort of "reset" your band. I am sooooo thinking that this may be a needed action step. I am cringing at the fact that I may not have a loss this month. I do not want to write that down here on my blog. So I guess I need to figure out how to wipe out these 5 pounds in the next two weeks. I would even be happy with just getting back to 216, which I started the month off with. A one pound loss would be awesome. For the first time in over a year I am really at a loss of how to make my body do what I want it to do. For the longest time all I had to do was listen to my band, and right now it's just not helping me out. Then again, my brain isn't helping me much either...I could definitely make better choices. Let's be honest, based on the food you have been throwing down your throat lately, it's not your band that is failing...news flash...it's YOU.

So starting this morning I am drinking water like it was going out of style, trying to flush my system a bit and maybe get rid of some water weight. I am going to try very hard today to only eat extremely healthy choices. No junk food, no chocolate, very little carbs and lots of high quality protein. This is a tough month and the clock is ticking to rid myself of these extra pounds.

The Evolution of My Face

Just for kicks I put together a collage of my face and the way it has changed over the past five years. In 2005 I was right around 300, then you can see a slight difference in the 3rd and 4th photos in the top row when I managed to drop 45 pounds, then you can see how I ballooned back up over the next few years. The first photo on the bottom row is me over 300 again. Then slowly you start to see the evolution of the past year as I drop a few pounds a month in these random head shots in chronological order. Then there's the last photo on the bottow row at my current weight of about 220 pounds.

All these years I thought I had a round face, but suddenly I am beginning to see a more square or oblong face. Oh my, it is good to look at these photos and really see the difference. Part of it makes me happy to see the transformation, but I also have a slight twinge of sadness as I see so many years of a life lived at "less than". I wasn't happy for many of those years, and while I may have filled my life with work, travel and other things, I was truly empty inside. Thank God for the ability to change my life. What a gift the lap band has been to me. I have more work to do and I can't wait to add another row of pictures to my collage.

Is It The Pill?

I just possibly had an aha! moment. As I was lamenting the fact that another zit was forming on my face tonight and a girl friend of mine said "wow are you moody today" I thought, huh...perhaps the full effects of the hormones of my recently prescribed birth control pills were starting to kick in. Could my struggles with the scale this month be caused by the fact that I am on the pill? Maybe. So I checked the package insert and sure enough, water retention and weight gain are pretty common side effects. It's been a while since I have been on the pill and I forgot what to expect. Thank goodness, I finally have an excuse and a scapegoat to blame just in case the scale shows a gain this month. I thought I was losing my mind. Hope it is a short-lived side effect. So hmmm, which is better? No love life and losing weight or actually having a love life and chalking up one month of slow weight loss...um yeah, I think I know which one I prefer, LOL. :)

My Steamy Love Affair

I am feeling so stressed at work today I decided the only thing that would make me feel better was to crack open a cold, frosty, delicious, carbonated, sweet, caffeinated, nectar of the Gods which has not crossed my lips in nearly a year...oh my dear friend Mountain Dew, I have missed you so. You and I were once like lovers. I don't care if I hurt all day from drinking you. I will savor every sweet drop all the way to the bottom of the can. I will drink you full strength...forget that diet sorry excuse for a substitute. Oh how I have longed to touch your glistening can...yes, gulp...oh yes...yes, give it to me! Oh the ecstasy! Ahhhhhhhhhh......the sweet release. Whew, sorry that almost got a little X-Rated!

Ever have one of those days? I hate my job right now, I am being pulled in 10 different directions. Stress is a bad thing, as I tend to want to drown my sorrows in calories. Isn't that what many of us were famous for? Don't deal with your emotions, just eat until your problems disappear. I haven't felt this stressed in a long time. I need a vacation and I need to survive this week--that's going to be tough. Excuse me now while I go guzzle my Mountain Dew.

Food Amnesia

Work is crazy this week. This morning I was in a rush to leave the house and I forgot to grab something for lunch and also for dinner since I have dart league tonight and won't be home again. It also didn't help any that the fridge is empty again! So what does my lack of planning get me? Being nearly out of calories for the day by midday. So tonight I guess I don't get any supper. That's a bad way of life. I decided it would be a good idea to do a little food journaling this week to get myself back on track. I forget how easy it is to mindlessly choose all the wrong things and then get "food amnesia" about how many calories you really did consume for the day.

I was hungry and made some bad choices for lunch...so bad I am not even going to tell you what I ate as it is embarrassing what I succumbed to picking up at the local truck stop. Let's just say they don't have the healthiest food choices and in the small town I work in the choices are very few. I get into a lot of trouble when I don't plan ahead. So to make this work week 10,000 times more challenging, I have work meetings 4 days this week and 3 have catered meals and one is probably eating out at the local greasy spoon or ordering pizza. What a food mine field! Then of course next week is the holiday that we not only stuff the bird, but we stuff ourselves...Thanksgiving. Oh my, this month may be my first non-loss or even a gain in more than a year. I have really got to kick things in gear.

Slightly Nicer Scale

Well, after this roller coaster ride on the scale this week, I did manage to see 217 again. Still not where I want it to be but at least it bounced back a wee bit. I get the feeling that I am really going to have to fight for the next 15-17 pounds toward 100 down and onederland. But oh boy, I have not been in the mood for it lately. I feel like I have been going into hibernation mode. This cold weather makes me want to just sit around and eat and curl up with a blanket in my favorite recliner in the living room. I am not spurred on to exercise at all and the foods I have been choosing lately have been a little more substantial and hearty. I may need to write down some specific goals for myself again...but lets wait until the weekend is done. I'm too lazy right now. Perhaps a fresh new start on Monday with goals for the rest of the month to kick my but back into gear. What a never-ending saga! No rest for the weary!

Size 16's...Almost!

I was shopping yesterday and on a whim decided to take a pair of size 16 jeans in the dressing room. I actually got them zipped! I'm not ready to buy 16's yet, as they are still pretty tight, but wow, I was absolutely shocked that I could actually pour myself into them. So here's a rather fuzzy picture from my cell phone. The are tight enough to give me a muffin top, so I am not ready to jump in to them just yet. But wow! 16 sounds like such an average, normal number. I still look at pants and expect them to be a certain width around the waistband and when I picked up the 16's I thought there's no way these actually fit me. I still have a warped view of my body size. It will certainly take me a while to figure that out.

In some other not so good news, the scale and I are having quite a battle. I don't know what has triggered it, but the scale is sitting at 220 this morning, that's a 4 pound swing since the first of the month. At this rate I may have a gain instead of a loss for the month. That's scary. I don't know what I need to do, but I have to do something to nip this in the bud.

Great Article on Referred Pain

I came across this blog post tonight as I was dealing with another episode of shoudler pain. I think it has to do with when I am feeling a little bloated/gassy--sorry for the TMI, but I know my band buddies can handle it. Anyway, I really think when I am feeling bloated, that pushes on my diaphragm and that has some effect on my band, my port or my port tubing. Ugh, I hate this feeling. Can't seem to find relief tonight, but I know this too shall pass. I am trying to keep track of the episodes to discuss my with doc's office at my next appointment. Here's the article on referred pain if anyone wants to read up:

http://anatomynotes.blogspot.com/2006/10/referred-pain.html

Sprucing Up My Blog

Decided to test out some of the new design features in Blogger tonight. I was a little afraid to move stuff around for fear of losing my data. That made me think about how much info I have invested on this blog that I wouldn't want to lose. I think I may work on backing up some of my info to another location soon, like some of my stats and milestones. Anyway, I don't know if I have it how I like it yet, but I think I will keep playing with it. I wouldn't want to get bored with it.

I am testing out mobile blogging.

Holy Cow Moments and Appreciating The Little Things

I sent my most recent progress picture and my stats to some good friends and family this past week and they were so shocked at my 88 pounds lost so far. I guess that number hasn't really sunk in. But when they said the number out loud and said "look how close you are to losing 100 pounds", it was a little shocking. I think when you lose weight so slowly and you break it down pound by pound and you dissect every little number like we tend to do here on the blogs we forget to look at the cumulative effect of our accomplishments.

I mean holy cow, 88 pounds--that is just 12 pounds away from 100 pounds and 15 away from onederland. If I saw someone else write that down I would really compliment them on their progress, but somehow when I read it it seems sort of unsubstantial. I think it feels that way because I know how much more work I have to do before hitting my goal weight. That is a mind set I need to change. I need to appreciate the work I have done so far and shout it from the rooftops. It helps to take a look at your work in progress once in a while and really look at what you have done.

Nice Scale...Thanks for the New Number!

So happy to see 215 on the scale this morning. It's always to pleasant to see a new number. In other news, spent an awesome night with my E-Harmony honey. Wink, wink, smile! I had given up on meeting anyone or having anything that resembled a dating life. Not sure this is anything more than a fling, but by gosh it sure is lots of fun! I truly think lap band surgery saved my life in more ways than I can count. I am blessed.

Back Down to 216

This week has been a roller coaster ride on the scale. Seems like the first part of the month is always a little dicey for me. I was down to 216, then I crept back up to 219 and finally today I am back to 216. Wow, your body sure can take big swings of fluid. I am really needing to find some exercise again this month. It is a constant battle to find motivation. I know that to really keep up on my average 5 pound loss each month I need to move my body. I keep waiting for the point where my metabolism just bottoms out. I feel like I may be on the verge of a plateau if I am not careful.

All in all, life is good though and I have no complaints. I waiting for some laundry to dry and then I am headed out to see my E-Harmony friend to do something fun tonight. Not sure how exactly to define our "relationship". Friends? Friends with benefits? Dating? Yeah, I don't exactly know what kind of a label to put on it, or if it even needs to be labeled. Just hoping to have some fun. All I can say is that dating is definetly a NSV of my weight loss and I just need to enjoy every moment of it! :)

Feeling Good in My Smack Ass Jeans

I decided to take a random progress picture today. i usually save the monthly progress pic until about halfway through the month but today I was feeling particularly good in what I affectionately call my "smack ass" jeans. I bought these size 18's in September and at the time I was worried about buying a smaller size, they were a little tight and I didn't think I could pull them off. But my niece Kayla was shopping with me and in the dressing room, I asked do these look OK? She said "turn around"...and then she smacked me on the ass and said "you look hot!". It just made me smile. So I bought my "smack ass" jeans and I find that they are already a little baggy in places after just over a month and a half of wearing them. They are my favorite go to jeans for date night, as I feel so awesome in them. Date night! Who'd have thunk it? Me...date night. What an awesome thing!

I can't even imagine buying a size 16. I have never in my adult life worn anything that size. The top I am wearing is a 16/18 or 1X. I have a cute new sexy bra on underneath too, that makes my girls perky. And I gave myself highlights earlier in the week. I was just feeling good today and decided to share it with the world. Still lots of work to do, but what an awesome feeling to see the progress. Hoping all my blog buddies feel the same way, take a photo of yourself and enjoy the progress you are making every day! :)

Thinking About Chairs Today

Isn't it funny how you suddenly think about something. Today I was having a thought about my office chair. I moved into this job about 4 years ago and when I got to the office I hated the chair that was at my desk. I didn't fit into it. So I ordered myself a new office chair from the office supply company and I literally paid attention to the width/measurements of the seat and arms. Now, 4 years later as I sit in my custom ordered office chair, I am drowning in it. You could almost squeeze another person in here. So that made me think about some other chairs in my life...

Here's another thought on chairs. I fit so much better at the movie theater. I was at a movie a few weeks ago with my new E-Harmony friend (woohoo!) and I was actually comfortable and I could even cross my legs. For once I wasn't spilling into the next seat, making the poor person next to me uncomfortable. I actually had room to breathe. In fact, my new honey is kind of a bigger guy and I even made a point to give him the aisle seat for a little more room. Made me realize that I while I am still a big girl, I definitely don't take up as much space as I used to. I feel average, and that's awesome.

One more chair example. My sister built a new house a while back and furnished the kitchen island with lovely wooden bar stools. While it was a great gathering place, I avoided them at all costs because I knew that my fat ass wouldn't fit in those skinny high armed chairs. I am finally starting to fit better in them too--it's still a little tight but so much better. Even my sister noticed that I fit better.

One more thing that only fat people think about, and that is the choice of chairs around a table in a crowded room. Case in point, last week I was at a work conference and for the first time in a long time I didn't have to think twice about choosing a chair in a certain position at the table. I hated it when in the past I felt like I was in the way of the waitress, or that I prevented people from being able to walk behind me or get through a crowded space. I just sat down without thinking.

Or how about the times you thought twice about sitting on a folding chair or a canvas lawn chair wondering if your 300 pounds was a little too much to ask of the screws, nuts and bolts holding it together. I've bent my share of hardware over the years. Anybody ever broken a toilet seat? Yep, guilty. That one is rather embarrassing. It was at home, the seat bolts were a little loose and the seat had slid to one side, when I sat down it went crack! Poor thing, it saw that 300 pound ass coming and probably got so scared it cracked itself.

I don't think I realized how much I didn't fit in the world, both literally and figuratively. Some days I just get so introspective about this stuff. I love my little blog, where I can exorcise some demons once in a while. Who would have thought that the subject of chairs would have warranted this long of a post. So silly.

It's Not That Hard to Eat Healthy

I have been thinking lately about how much my diet has changed in the past year. I used to think so little about what I ate that I usually made all the wrong choices. For instance, I rarely thought I had time for breakfast. So I was so hungry by lunch time I picked horrible, high fat, high calorie foods and I wolfed them down so fast I barely tasted them. I often wasn't prepared for lunch, so I ended up eating at the local bar and grill--we have very few choices in the small town I work in. The typical lunch special was a gravy laden hot beef combo or a bacon cheeseburger and fries. God forbid you saw fruit or vegetables on the plate. What a difference a year makes. I eat breakfast every morning, even if it means grabbing yogurt and fruit on the go and eating at my desk if I am running late. I rarely eat out anymore, which is easier on my waistband and my pocketbook.

I used to think that eating well meant a lot of extra preparation and I realize now that it is actually pretty simple. I just need to keep good foods in the cupboard and the fridge and plan ahead just a little bit. I am so much better about including fruit and veggies in my diet and having a much more well rounded meal. In fact sometimes it seems as if I have too much food when I add in an apple or yogurt along with my main dish. How odd is that. I am finding that I am satisfied for the first time in my life, I truly eat what I like and then feel like it is enough. I also question myself when I feel a late night craving--am I hungry or am I bored...lonely or whatever and then decide if I truly need a snack or if I need to address my needs in a different way. It is finally starting to feel routine, like I don't have to think about it so much and that is awesome. Just more of my rambling...again I am ever amazed at the emotional and mental part of this weight loss journey of mine.

Left Shoulder Pain

I am working with my surgeon on some left shoulder pain issues. I have been reading up a little on this phenomenon with lapbanders. There was of course the shoulder pain following surgery but this is different. Obviously I am nearly a year out from surgery, so that's obvious. Anyway, lately I have been getting what I believe to be referred pain from my diaphragm. It feels like I can't take a full breath without a stabbing pain. But if I lay down or stretch out sometimes I can get it to go away. I have read some other lapband blogs and message boards and have found others who have experienced this too. Anybody else have this? My doc's office is supposed to call back sometime today and decide what, if anything, I need to do. Otherwise, weight loss is going good, scale still reads 216 this morning which is awesome to see that number stick. Now I am just waiting for the follow up from my surgeon's office.

Trick or Treat and Sliming

I decided to have a rare treat tonight and bought some potato chips at the grocery store. It's been ages since I bought chips. I grabbed a measured out bowl of them and started eating. Wouldn't you know it, they don't like me. I almost immediately started to feel stuck and started sliming. Isn't that poetic justice? It's like your band just knows what stuff you should or shouldn't have. I rarely, if ever get stuck on fruits or vegetables. So now what was supposed to be a treat has turned into a trick! How miserable is that. I guess it's your body's way of saying stay away from the potato chips! Ugh! Oh well, guess I will go slice an apple instead.

I'm Obese!!!

I am so excited to hit another BMI milestone! As of today's weigh in I am officially obese! I am NOT morbidly obese, I am NOT severly obese, I am just plain obese! This morning I saw 216 on the scale and with my height that puts me at a BMI of 34.9, a brand new category for me. Not to mention one step closer to 100 pounds down. I don't know what I am doing right this week, but I am glad to see the pounds still coming off. Next stop...overweight! That will happen around 185 lbs, that's quite a ways to go. But I am so celebrating this current milestone!

End of the Month "Check Up"

Well, here we are another month done. I am pleased to say I managed to lose 6 pounds in October which is awesome. There was a time earlier in the month that I swore the scale would never move again. So I will definitely take six. I am still creeping toward my 100 pound loss and my upcoming bandiversary in December. I am just 14 pounds away from 100 pounds total weight loss (pre-op and post op) that will probably take about 2-3 months to achieve, based on my previous weight loss averages. I hope I can keep moving in the right direction.

Only thing that has been kind bugging me lately is a little shoulder pain once in a while. I have been reading up on this and there are some people who have had lapband surgery that get referred pain in their shoulder from their tubing irritating their diaphragm. I think I have had some of this lately. I think I might bring it up at my next appointment. I am supposed to go to the doc later in November. I am trying to decide if I need a fill or not. I am still losing weight at a pretty average pace and I think I am pretty close to my sweet spot. So I am not sure if I need to cancel the appointment and save myself the trip. I guess I will think about that. Today's scale read 217, that's awesome.

Falling a Little Short on Walking But It's OK

I have been falling off the wagon a bit with my walking, and I may fall short of my 80 in October goal, but at least I have been walking and burning calories and will still have logged over 50 miles this month which is awesome. This morning I did 2 miles in my hotel room. I am away from home at a work conference so that makes it slightly more difficult to get my miles in. That also can pose a challenge sometimes as eating gets a little more difficult. Choosing good foods and not binging on too many drink calories during after hours get-togethers gets a little tougher. I really need to be aware of the calories I am eating, because I am really pleased with my weight loss for the month so far and I don't want to lose that momentum.

More Clothes Shopping Adventures

I am almost in disbelief, but I have been shopping trying to replace some of my winter wardrobe little by little. I was so excited the other day to choose XL's from the racks in the regular sized clothing section. I have been looking at plus sizes for so long it's hard to believe. I look at the clothes and think, will an XL really fit? And sure enough it does! That's so awesome. I feel "normal". Today I stopped by a consignment shop owned by my cousin's wife. Found some great bargains, 2 Columbia vests, awesome for winter layering and a pull over rain jacket, which is perfect for this crappy fall weather we are having.

Shopping was never fun for me, and it is finally exciting to find stuff that fits and that I feel good in. I am also learning to appreciate thrift store shopping, finding some awesome bargains and lots of stuff that still have tags or are in great shape. That's fun and so easy on my pocketbook. There is one other area of my wardrobe that needs updating...my undergarments. I have decided that I have been wearing far too much comfortable, boring, utilitarian stuff. Now that my love life has been spiced up thanks to my weight loss and E-Harmony I think I need to take a trip to Victoria's Secret and buy myself some pretties.

New Number...Woohoo!

I was so pleased to see 217 on the scale this morning. Losing pounds lately has been quite a bit of a battle, so when I see movement on the scale I am extremely excited. This is a nice 5 pound--correct that--6 pound loss for the month so far.

I better get my walking in today, perhaps later. It's a little misty and ugly outside so I think I will probably do my Leslie Sansone. Just gotta get the motivation.

Another Sweaty Session

I challenged myself to do the 3 mile walk on my Leslie Sansone DVD. First time I had done that. Wow, what a workout. It's a great alternative to going outside and it really makes me use muscles I haven't used in a while. Life is good, saw 219 on the scale this morning. Yippee!

I'm Shrinking!

October Progress Picture

Well, it's that time again...time to post the monthly progress picture. Woohoo! Well, here I am at 220 on the scale. I am wearing an XL polar fleece vest from L.L. Bean--yes an XL, not a plus size! I got it on my trip to Maine in September. OK, I think I need to take photos of myself before I leave the house as I see that the cream colored shirt underneath is too big for me and the pants, which I thought fit well are actually baggy. Ha ha! Dressing this body is like trying to hit a moving target.

Anyway, I like what I see. The stats for the record are: 83 pounds lost all together, 57 lost since surgery on 12-15-09. Down from 3X-4X to XL's in most shirts. Pants size is down from mostly 28's to a baggy 18. I can't believe I am just 17 pounds away from 100 pounds down and 21 pounds to onederland. I might actually start the new year getting closer to those milestones. Wow!

Leslie Sansone Kicked My Ass

I decided to forgo the 40 degree temps outside and break out my Leslie Sansone Walk Away the Pounds DVD. Man alive, she kicked my ass. I know I used some muscles that I hadn't used in some time. I did the 2 mile workout, you would think that would be slacker compared to the 3 I usually do at the track but there is such a huge difference when you are doing 4 mph and adding arm and leg movements. Whew, I am sweating. Great workout. Next thing will be to tackle the 3 mile workout. Woohoo!

The Slippery Slope

Just got done reading Yana's blog (find her at http://girlmeetsband.blogspot.com/) and it really hit me tonight. Her dilemma...no weight loss in 6 months. I know it is a bad idea to compare yourself to someone else, since we are all so unique in how our bodies work, but we are only human and I think we compare ourselves to see if we are "normal" and to have a yardstick to measure our progress. Yana and I had surgery with about a week of each other last December and our surgery day weights were within about 10 pounds, me at 277 and her at 264. She has lost between 38-41 pounds and I have lost 58, nearly 20 pounds more. I want to be careful here...I don't write those numbers here to disparage the work that she has done, instead it just really made me realize that I could be in her shoes SO EASILY!

Her post just made me wonder...what would it take for me to have a 6 month plateau? I'd say not much, just a few days of overeating that add up to a couple weeks, that add up to a couple of months and then suddenly your stuck in that same old weight loss slippery slope. It's just another one of those lapband epiphany moments when you realize that the work is NEVER done. I work so hard every single day to make good choices. Some days I win, others I could do better. It is almost overwhelming to think about it. Every single day you have to chose to be healthy and to help your lapband succeed. That little piece of silicone and titanium can only do so much and then you have to do the rest.

Anyway I am thankful that I have had consistent, may it be ever so slow weight loss, but I am so glad I can say that since surgery I have managed to have weight loss every single month. Hearing Yana's story just made me realize what a blessing and what a feat that really is. So when I bitch and moan about the scale not moving for a while, tell me to get some perspective. A loss is a loss, even if it is only one pound and I know that I am the who has to make it happen, choosing every day to help my lapband do its job.

Hey fellow bloggers, give Yana a shout out would ya, I think she could use a little encouragement. :)

What the Heck?

Why is it that the scale can stand still for weeks at a time and then all the sudden let loose? Today I saw 219 on the scale, which is awesome! But I sure wish I could figure out how this works, and why your body sometimes can be stubborn. Anyway, I don't know if 219 will stick, but dammit I am going to claim it today.

Went for a walk today at the track. Wow, it was really cool today, a real fall day in the 50's. I decided to call it quits at 2 miles. Just didn't have it in me today for some reason. Oh well, still doing great on my goal of 80 miles this month.

Over Half Way and New Number

I am over half way on my progress to walk 80 miles this month, woohoo! I am finally seeing a little movement on the scale, as I saw a new number this morning...221! Yippee! I hope it sticks. I have been really watching my calories this week and I think that has helped to get me closer to back on track. All is well.

Another Face Comparison

I love doing these photo comparisons...here's a recent picture that shows that I have lost part of my 80 pounds in my face, LOL.

It just gets me that my eyes look brighter and more alive. You don't realize how much that fat actually holds down your facial muscles and changes the shape of your face. I wonder if I will ever get rid of the double chin? At least it isn't a triple chin like it used to be!

More Walking

Another gorgeous day outside! I had to stick around at the office for a night meeting so I used the downtime to get my 3 miles in for the day. I didn't have the best shoes on, so now my feet are a little sore. But I am staying on track to hit my 80 miles by the end of the month. Mark another 3 off the ticker!

Thanks Fellow Bloggers!

Just wanted to say thanks to the people who commented on my previous post. Thanks for the words of encouragement. I certainly blog mostly for my benefit, but it is nice to know that somehow my experiences resonate with others. It just feels nice. Wishing you all the best with your weight loss journeys, physically and emotionally. :) You are all terrific!

5 Years Difference

What a difference 5 years has made. I found this old photo today. It was taken in the spring of 2005. I remember that day, we were at Mount Rushmore with a group from work and we decided to walk the trails around the mountain. I remember thinking I was going to die walking up dozens and dozens of steps and hills. I was so winded and I had to stop to catch my breath so many times. That was the first time I contemplated weight loss surgery but then chickened out. I did lose weight though, I walked and counted calories and over time lost about 45 pounds only to gain it back later on and end up over 300 pounds again.

It almost makes me sad looking at the old version of me. I was drowning in a sea of fat. I remember that was one of my favorite sweater sets at the time. Probably one of the only one's that fit, it was a 26/28--by the way I think I just sent that one to the Goodwill store this past weekend. Even though it was my favorite then, I realize now with some perspective that anything I would have chosen to wear at that time would not have looked good, because I didn't look good at that weight. It just makes me wonder how I could have possibly let myself get to that point. It is absolutely destructive. I was slowly killing myself one cheeseburger at a time.

Finding this picture and really looking at it has brought up some really deep seated feelings. I think of how long I really lied to myself about who I was and how I felt. That fat suit dictated so much of my life. I was afraid to live, afraid to date, afraid to let anyone in, always feeling less than. I am so happy that I can say I am doing something about it, but there is a sorrow inside me about how much life I wasted. I don't want to get stuck on the past, but at the same time I do need to process the fact that I am different from that person. I felt so powerless then and little by little I am getting some of that power back and I am able to make choices that fill my life with joy. I still have a long way to go, but I know that I have the ability to make my life so much better than it has been.

Sorry for the long post...wow, this was another psych session on my blog. If I have said it once, I have said it a thousand times, I completely underestimated the amount of emotional work I would have to do along with the physical work of losing a lifetime of weight.

New Number...Finally!

Holy cow this last pound took such a long time to lose. I wish I could figure out the scale, I swear I go through this every month or so--perhaps it is hormonal? Just your body's way of rebelling? Who knows. Anyway, I am pleased to say I finally saw 222 on the scale this morning. Wow, that was a tough one to get to. I am getting so close to the 200+teens its awesome. I was hoping my walking would really kick things into gear this month, but the scale is being particularly stubborn. I think I am going to count calories this week just to see how I am doing. I think that there are some things I could tweak a bit in the nutrition area. Anyway, glad to move to a new number, hope it sticks...and moves on to a lower one in a hurry. :)

Don't Underestimate Your Abilities

Today I decided to challenge myself to walk the entire length of the river trail near my house. All together it is 4.6 miles. Several times along the way I nearly talked myself out of it, whining in my head...I'm tired, my legs hurt, this is too long...etc. But in the end I went the whole way! Woohoo! I wonder how many other times in my life did I let my mind convince me I wasn't strong enough to do something and let myself give up? Had a great walk and I didn't die! I will walk just a little more today and then I will be able to add a full 5 miles to my countdown ticker for the day.

3 More Miles Done

Went for a great walk at the track tonight. I did three more miles toward my goal of 80 this month. I nearly talked myself out of going. Wow, it is hard to motivated some days. But once I am out there and walking I actually do enjoy myself. Just gotta keep moving.

Goodbye 3X's and More

I am cleaning out my closets today! It is sort of an emotional day oddly enough. I almost don't trust the fact that I don't need these clothes anymore. It's like I don't want to jinx myself by giving them away, just in case I need to wear them again. But that is flawed thinking isn't it? I am going to pack several boxes for the thrift store and get rid of anything that is too big for me. This is a big step.

Well, I ended up taking 16 pairs of pants ranging in size from 28 to 20 to the thrift store. I also took about 25 shirts and sweaters, mostly 3X's too. So now my closet is nearly empty. At least I will know what I have now. I have been picking up a few pieces here and there at thrift stores and sometimes I buy a size or two ahead and then I forget what I bought. What an adventure!

19 Miles Done

Doing good on my walking, trying to stay caught up each day. So far I have logged 19 miles. I wish the scale would be kind and reward me for my efforts, but alas it is being rather mean to me. Ugh!

Another 2 Miles Done

Walked 2 miles at lunch time. It was almost hot out. Just updating my miles today, not much else to say. Scale won't move, feeling bloated must be water weight. Stuck at 223.

Update...I walked an extra 2 miles in the evening. It was an absolutely gorgeous walk on the river trail. Awesome.

Beautiful Weather

It was awesome weather for a walk at the track tonight. I did 3 miles and it was awesome to be out in the sunshine. I am doing well toward my 80 mile goal. I didn't walk yesterday because I was too busy and out of town part of the day. So I had to make up for it today a little. But overall my average per day is good. So far I have 13 miles done. Feels good to be out there exercising again.

That's the Difference

I was thinking a lot lately about my new past time...dating! Who would have thought that would be my fall project? I had literally given up, checked out and found myself mourning a life that I thought was out of reach for me. My therapist and I were discussing the fact that fat people can and do find love and get married--but I wasn't one of them. I realized that it had less to do with my physical size than it did with how I felt about me emotionally. I didn't feel lovable. That's the difference, people who are able to find love at any size must have some sort of genetic makeup that I don't. It isn't until I have gained back some self esteem and self worth that I realize that I can find love--at whatever weight I may be at as love as I can live with myself. So even though right now I am still 50+ pounds from my first goal weight, it's OK. I am not afraid to put myself out there anymore because I know I am working on a better version of me.

Speaking of my therapist, we mutually decided I was ready to "graduate" from therapy. I have been seeing her for about a year and we decided that I had made good progress on my goals and that I was ready to fly solo. I never imagined that I would be in therapy. I think my having lapband was a little bit of a catalyst to seeking some extra support. I am so glad that I have cleaned up life both physically and emotionally. Now I know how to handle life the best I can, and I also know that I have a safety net if I feel like I am slipping backward. If I hadn't worked on my head, I know that I would have failed miserably at weight loss. Life is so much better and I know it can only get even better from here.