Milestones...Two Year Bandiversary

Well, I'd say there have been some ups and downs in my two year (plus) trek. The scale read 211 this morning. Not headed in the right direction. My band is too tight and I am struggling. I have an adjustment scheduled for December 27th. Well, lets take a little inventory here...first the good:

• Weight: 211, that's down 92 total from 303 and 66 from my surgery day weight of 277!
• Clothing Sizes: I wear an XL shirt and size 18 pants. I'm out of the plus size section! That's down from a 3X shirt and size 28 pants.
• Life: I have a boyfriend! Josh and I have been together almost 10 months. He's the love of my life. He is the first guy I have ever been in a relationship with. I had given up on love as my fat self. Now I have hope for all my dreams to come true.
• Environment: I fit better in the world, no more wondering if I can squish into a chair with arms, or if I will fit in a restaurant booth.
• Health: I dont' have any health issues related to obesity. I have great energy and can do most anything physically. I don't huff and puff on stairs and I can keep up when walking with average sized people.

All in all, lots of good stuff to report, but I would say that there are things that I would still like to change:

• At one point I had gotten under 200 lbs., into what we like to call onederland. I'd like to get back there.
• I would like to be at a healthy BMI and/or in the normal weight range for my height.

Life is so much better after lap band surgery. I am happier and healthier. There is still work to do but I want to acknowledge the work that I have already done and celebrate it. Here's to a better year 3!

Got My Gurgle Back!

Well, here's the news. I had a fill yesterday. Weight at doc's office was 211. But my scale reads 208. I am going the wrong way. I am hoping this fill and a renewed effort will help me move in the right direction. It's been one hell of a summer and fall. I am hoping that things in my personal/work life settle down soon. I am going to try to keep a food diary again for about 2 weeks, as my PA suggested at my fill appointment. It will help to track both total calories and my portion sizes a little better. I am already feeling a good amount of restriction again, so I am hoping that I can live the lapband life better again.I know I have good restriction when I gurgle after a meal. Awesome!

I've Been a Bad, Bad Girl!

OK, so I fell off the wagon for a while. Life has been so tumultuous...work, home life, love life has all been both challenging and rewarding but stressful all the same. In the midst of all of it, I had to get port revision surgery, was too tight  and miserable then I was too loose and used it as an opportunity to take a "band holiday" as my PA called it. Even now, although I had one adjustment, I am still pretty wide open and I have been choosing all the wrong things.Tonight for instance it was a chicken strip dinner from DQ. Good lord, if I am at good restriction there is no way I could eat that. I just can't seem to find the reset button.

Well, perhaps I took a step in the right direction tonight. I watched the premiere of Biggest Loser and I was given a good wake up call. To see the women who weigh 250 some pounds and to realize that I am not that far from that. Although I have made awesome progress, I AM NOT DONE YET! Today the scale read 207. So much for being in onederland--but I can get back there, if I work at it. I went to the gym and worked out for 30 minutes. It's a start! I am going to try to get back to basics again and start following the rules I know work.

I have another fill in October and I will just need to behave myself until then. I really just need to refocus on losing weight and helping my pants fit better! I know all the right things to do, I just gotta do 'em!

Listen to the Band!

Today at lunch it is quite obvious that I am still dealing with some of the aftermath of yesterday's poor choices and major stuck episode. I planned to eat my leftovers for lunch, and managed to get about half of it down before I felt a "soft stop" feeling. Of course I took one more bite and now I am sliming. When will I learn that I cannot continue to cram food down. If your band says your full right now, then dammit listen! If you are still  hungry later you can have a snack. But don't try to pile more food on top of a full band...duh, it doesn't work and you know it. Why are you having trouble with this theory after a year and a half of banded-ness? Seriously are you a slow learner or what? Sigh...one of these days I will catch on.

Just for the record, the scale said 203 today. I guess I am destined to fluctuate on the same 5 pounds that hover around onederland. I guess I can live with that. 

Painful Stuck Episode...Duh! You Deserved It!

I just had the most painful stuck episode...EVER. In all my year and a half with a lapband, I have never felt such pain. Thankfully it passed after about 20 minutes. But in those 20 minutes I thought I was gonna pass out from the pain. All I could do was breath deeply and try to find a comfortable position...standing, walking stretching out, anything to find a bit of relief. I also broke out into a full fledged sweat. Ugh! Not a nice experience.

Now before you go feeling sorry for me, hold up! It was soooooo self inflicted. I am so embarrassed by what I ate today that I am NOT gonna write it down here. (Oh the shame!)  I have been feeling rather footloose and fancy free since I had my port revision, because they removed .4 cc's from my band. So I have been eating foods that have been on my no-no list for quite a while. But since the old band feels wide open, I have been indulging in things that I shouldn't be. I hope I remember the pain from today, cause I know I should be treating my band better than I am.

Thank goodness I am getting a fill soon. I am scheduled to go back to the docs to tweak things on September 8. In the mean time I need to be a little nicer to my band! 

Recovering From Surgery

Well, I am back home recovering from my one-day surgery to fix my flipped port. I am hurting a little but, but I have some good pain meds. My surgeon opened me up using the old scar, added some mesh behind the port and stitched me back up. While he was in there he also took out .4 CC's of saline out of my band. So I will be quite a bit looser. He doesn't want me to make another band adjustment until I am healed up. So I have an appointment in about 4 weeks to go back in a refill my band to a new level. So I am really going to have to behave myself as I know I will have lessened restriction. I weighed 201.4 on the doctor's scale, with clothes on. It's a bit different from my home scale, but still good.

I took today off to recuperate and I was glad I did. I hurt more and was much more tired than I thought I would be following surgery. But I am back to work tomorrow. It will just sitting in the office, so I should be OK. So that's the report from me. Hope my band doesn't give me anymore trouble for a while!

I Saw Onederland Again!

Well, it certainly took a long time, but this morning I finally saw onederland again. The old scale gave me 199 this morning. That feels good. I am hoping that this week helps too, as I am on just liquids tomorrow for my pre-surgery preparation and then I won't eat much, if anything on surgery day. That's gotta help right? LOL. I am so ready to get my band loosened. It has been an awful month. I hope I can get on the right track again. Gotta do some laundry and pack  my bag for tomorrow as I am headed to my sister's. She will be driving me to and from the hospital. Hope things go smoothly and my port revision is fixed for good.

Angry Band!

My band is very angry at me right now. I didn't do breakfast, except for coffee with cream because I figured it wouldn't go down anyway. I did soup for lunch, but that left me so hungry later in the day. SO I tried the only thing around my office, a peanut butter chocolate chip cookie. I tolerated it just barely. Tonight I was so hungry and I tried to eat something healthy rather than succumb to the easy stuff like ice cream. So I tried a little salad with lettuce, smoked turkey and cheese. I did a very small portion, and it got tight. I may try a little more later and see how it goes down. Or if all else fails I may have a bowl of ice cream. Ugh, can't wait until next week. I am so miserable.

Gurgling Like the Office Water Cooler

Ugh, I am so ready to be untightened next week. My port revision surgery is next Tuesday and I am hoping that I will finally get some relief. This being too tight thing sucks. Last night I had to work late and ended up eating rather late, right before bed. I sooooo choose the wrong thing, some spicy meat and it sat in my stomach all night and irritated my band. So this morning I am sipping water trying to get things to move along and soothe things. Every sip I take a gurgle like the office water cooler. The water is going down, but it is quite obvious that things are irritated and tight to the point of barely letting anything through. I am definitely going to need to take it easy on food today and perhaps may give myself self imposed liquids/mushies and see how things go. In the future I will definitely get an unfill when I feel too tight, it is not a productive use of your band and will likely lead to more problems that are more serious. Hoping and praying I get back to a comfortable, easy sweet spot next week. Gotta take care of my band better.

Thank You Scale!

Wow, I don't know what happened over night,  but the scale said 200 this morning! What the heck. I will never understand the amount of change the human body can go through in such a short amount of time. Anyway, I will take the new number and hope it sticks. It helps motivate me to eat right and exercise, cause I don't want to undo the movement downward. Here's to sticking to the right things.

202 and Holding

Well, the scale is finally headed downward, not by much but a little as it is back down to 202. Not sure when I will see onederland again, but I hope it will come around again. I have been trying to walk a little more, but I am still struggling a bit with my calorie intake. I know I could do better. This week my downfall was several meals out with Hottie in a Uniform and cake and ice cream in the break room at work. Ugh! So many pitfalls. My pants feel tight, so I know I need to do something to kick my weigh loss in gear again. If I could just get my life a little more normal I would be able to concentrate on it a little better. Same struggle...different day.

Big Sweaty Walk

Went for a big sweaty walk in the hot weather today. Felt good to sweat. I am trying hard to squeeze in more exercise, but it is so hard to get motivated. Scale said 204 this morning. I so want to be back in onederland, but I just can't seem to find it again. Eating is still a bit of a chore, takes about 45 minutes to get down the bare minimum. Still trying to eat normal foods versus going to soft stuff. If I am careful I can still tolerate it. Hope this month goes quickly and and can get back to normal after my port revision.

Sliming At Every Meal

I am sliming at nearly every meal! Ugh, this is gonna be a long month. Getting an adjustment before my port revision surgery is just not feasible. I can avoid the sliming by going super, super slow, but I am having trouble with that. I am trying to eat good foods, instead of relying on smooth sliders, but I am to the point that I may have to switch to things like soup and avoid solid all together. I am afraid I am going to irritate my band area so much that will cause additional trouble. This sucks, but there is not much else I can do except wait it out because of my personal circumstances. Hope the month goes by quickly!

Acid Reflux Sucks!

Yep, I'm way too tight and suffering from crappy acid reflux every time I eat. My surgeon's office suggested that I could get an adjustment before my port revision surgery. But I said I would wait. I didn't want an extra 500 mile round trip this month. So now I have to deal with it, but it's not going to be pleasant. I might have to find some acid reducer meds to tide me over for a while. I had been doing so good for so long with my lapband, now all the sudden there are these minor little hiccups that need taking care of. I still think that lapband is the best thing that I ever did for myself, I suppose a few of these issues are just part of the lifetime of maintenance that I will have to take care of once in a while.

Port Revision Surgery Scheduled

Well, I got the word back from my surgeon's office that my insurance was approved and I could schedule my port revision to fix my flipped port. First time I could get in was August 9. It's a same day surgery, so hopefully it will be quick and easy. The nurse said that they use a new technique, adding mesh underneath the port and they attach it all together. That is supposed to prevent flips from happening, or at least being less likely to happen. Hope things go well. In talking to the nurse, Aurie, we also determined that I might be too tight. I have been having to eat super slow, I have sliming and stuck episodes at nearly every meal, eating has become a chore and I am having some major acid reflux. So we tweaked a little too far. I said I could handle it for a month, and we would make the adjustment when I came down for surgery. Scale says 203, that's down a pound. Hope this supper tightness equals more pounds lost--I'm not holding my breath though. The pounds are sticking to me like glue.

Take Advantage of the Tightness!

OK, people it's time to get serious here. Since I am tighter than tight, this is an opportune time to kick things into gear again. I need a total mental overhaul when it comes to losing weight. After 6 months with no adjustments and restriction that was slowly starting to disappear, added to a tumultuous time in my life I totally got off track with weight loss. I got comfortable, I took a break and that was ok...for a while. I think it was ok to test the waters of living "normally", without giving much thought to my band. That would be all fine and good except for the fact that I really haven't met my all time goals for myself. I want to lose more and get comfortably below 200 pounds.

Here are some lessons learned:

1. If you don't PAY ATTENTION to what you put in your mouth, you will gain weight.
2. EXERCISE is a huge key to losing weight. Eating habits are a good start but exercise is the one-two punch.
3. I still have EMOTIONAL EATING issues. They may never go away.
4. The band only works when  it is tuned in to feeling the RESTRICTION, a little discomfort is a good thing.
5. I need to get BACK TO BASICS; proteins first, measuring food portions if needed, chew-chew-chew, using a food diary if I need to, and moving my body.

So while I can feel my lapband, I need to add in the other elements that I know lead to successful weight loss. One of them that I have been really lax at has included blogging. Cause you know that blogging means accountability, and I was avoiding that lately. This isn't the first time and it won't be the last time...let's start over again.

So today, thanks to my band I ate a small portion of food and I stopped eating when I felt the fullness. I went for a 1/2 hour walk at lunchtime and I hope to go for a walk tonight. You go girl! Let's see that scale move in the right direction.

July Progress Picture

Thought it was time for another one of these. Not much for visible change, but here it is for posterity's sake. This me at 204 pounds.

Holy Restriction Batman!

My, oh my, am I tight. I am finding that I am having to relearn EVERYTHING about my band again. Today I piled on a plate of 4th of July fixins; brat (minus the bun of course), potato salad, potato chips and dip and watermelon. I ended up being able to eat two spoons full of potato salad, about 2/3 of the brat, about 15 potato chips and 3 bites of watermelon. That took me 40 minutes to eat and I threw away so much food and it left me aching. I need to retrain my brain again as to what volume of food I can handle.

My first inclination is to say I am WAY TOO tight, but I think my bariatric docs would say..."um that's exactly how the band is supposed to be working!" It's like learning to walk again. I had been slowly adding more and more food and now all the sudden I am back to feeling like I am newly banded. So when is that going to translate into pounds off the scale??? Soon I hope!

I haven't checked in for quite a while, the scale this morning says 204. I have gained back a little weight, after hitting a low of 197. So I need to battle back and get rid of those 7 pounds. But in the big picture of things, life is good. Hottie in a uniform and I are still progressing slowly. That is certainly a bright spot in my life right now. I am mostly settled into my temporary "studio apartment" at my brother's house and I think I have my work situation sorta figured out. So life is getting a little better all the time. Still not perfectly settled, but for now things are starting to feel "normal" again.

Port Flipped! Oh No!

Seriously, when it rains it pours in my life. As they say,  bad things come in threes--perhaps I am done now! I was at my docs office to get a fill and it was not the usual PA Kristin, since she was on maternity leave. So it was a CNP, named Jenni. I was begining to wonder if she knew what she was doing as she was struggling to get the needle in the port. It was starting to get a little uncomfortable and she was trying all sorts of methods. She finally came to the conclusion that my port had flipped, so off to flouroscopy we went and she confirmed that is what had happened. Damn! Only good thing was that they did manage to give me the fill after some manipulation of my port.

So now my surgeon's office is going to call me to schedule a port revision. Ugh! Has anyone had this happen to them? What can I expect? Help!

Face Comparison Pics

Been a while since I did one of these, so I thought I woudl do a side by side face comparison. There is about 100 pounds difference in these two photos from 2008 to 2011. Who is that girl? I think I need to shape/pluck my eyebrows a bit. LOL

A Big Old Plateau

Well, my weight loss has come to a standstill. I have watched the same 4-5 pounds go round and round the scale over the last two months. But I can't say I have helped it much. I have an appointment scheduled for June 16. Not sure if I need a fill or maybe just a pep talk? I have been feeling so tight in the morning, but able to eat large volumes of food at other times of the day. Now a new symptom of of acid reflux has kinda showed up. I would say that I have been abusing my band a little lately, asking it to stretch farther than it should. Right now I am fighting a mental battle more than anything, and I am not sure how to break that routine.

Life is still chaotic for me. Some good, some bad but I am trying to just take one day at a time. Hottie in a Uniform and I are making slow and steady progress, I have a job interview this week and I am starting to move some of my stuff to my temporary home at my brother's house. Life will settle down and then perhaps I can concentrate better on weight loss. So maybe right now I need to just hang on and try to stick within about a 5 pound range of this new set point of 200 pounds. I have still made great progress, my life is so much better, so I have to remember that. I will find my focus again when the time is right.

Gain for the Month

Well, I gained for the second month in the row. The scale went from 199 to 202. It's been a challenging couple of months and I know exactly how I gained those pounds back. It's not rocket science. Ice cream, potato chips, cheeseburgers, onion rings, M&M's, Hot Tamales and liquor. That's how you gain 3 pounds back. Ugh! I know my portion sizes are out of control and my food choices have been less than stellar. Exercise has been non-existent. These are all the steps you take to gain weight. I've got that figured out.

I was hesitant to get a fill because I have been so tight in the morning, but I realize that my unencumbered eating the rest of the day has got to stop. So I decided to take a chance on getting filled--worst case scenario I suppose I need to get unfilled and tweak things the opposite direction. But the fact that I was able to stuff down a bacon cheese burger with half the bun and most of breaded onion rings with 3 mixed drinks last Friday night tells me that I can eat way too much. So I have an appointment for a fill on June 16. In the mean time hopefully I can try to behave myself. What a battle!

Struggling a Bit

Well, the scale reads 202 this morning. Better than it was a few days ago, but still higher than a month ago. I had seen 197 once...ahhhh, if only I could get back there. The weather has not been cooperating with walking outside (yeah, I know that is no excuse). I have been addicted to ice cream and potato chips lately. I just feel out of whack and I can't seem to get motivated. I have been avoiding getting a fill because I am so darn tight in the morning, but I realize now that the volume and types of food I can eat later in the day defenitely point to needing a little tweak. I haven't had a fill since November, so that has been a good long stretch. So this week I plan to call for an appointment.

I realize that my band did not miraculously change my relationship with food. I still struggle every day with good choices. I don't want this little slip to turn into a big problem. I need to keep the big picture in mind, I have made great progress so far--even with a gain, I still have lost a total of 101 pounds. I will see onederland again, I just need to refocus. Life will settle down eventually and I can concentrate on me again.

When It Rains, It Pours

OK, so last month I lost my job. I have gained about 5 pounds and lost onederland. Now today, out of the blue I got a call from a realtor who was representing my landlord. She called to tell me they are selling all their rental properties, my house included. So now not only am I jobless I will soon be homeless. Are you freaking kidding me? Oh my.

I had started on the 4 day pouch test this morning, and got through lunch but when my day fell apart after the phone call from the realtor I said screw it. Anyway, it turned out OK. I had supper with Hottie in a Uniform and he let me vent for a while. We are going on a weekend trip together next weekend. I am so excited...and a little freaked out too. LOL.

The Lost Get Found!

Well, I certainly have been missing from these pages lately. My life has been in such a whirlwind. Lots of changes, both good and bad. The not so good...I have been eating like crazy. Bad stuff like ice cream and chips and dip. Very much of it has been emotional. I haven't been very consistent about exercise either. So needless to say the scale reads 204 today. Ugh! What happened to onederland? I will blame just the slightest bit of it on TOM being here this week, but I still have no excuse. I just can't seem to get back on track. That scares me a bit. I don't want the scale to creep up any further. I don't think I need a fill, because I really feel tight in the morning, but maybe getting a slight fill would kick things in emotionally as well as physically for me. I will have to think about that. I think that rather than risk an overfill, I should just try to get my eating habits back on track, so maybe a 5 day pouch test would help. In other news things are progressing slowly but well with Hottie in a Uniform. I don't want to jinx it, but things are going well and I have great hope for the future. :) I know for sure that I need to get back into my blogging habit as it helps me to focus my thoughts. I kinda went on a little weight loss vacation for a while there, but after a year and a half of constant weight loss, perhaps I needed a little break.

Picture Post

Here's a progress picture just for shits and giggles. No particular reason to celebrate, as the scale has plateaued at 198. But I just felt like looking back at two years and 105 pounds ago.

Mine Field

It's so hard to be positive and want to work on weight loss right now. But I did go on my daily walk yesterday (Thursday). Unfortunately I am writing at 3:30 AM as the insomnia monster is visiting me tonight. Not sure why I woke up, but the minute I did my mind started racing and pretty soon I was wide awake and stewing. My life is so unbelievably out of my control right now. I am so stressed out and so unsure of every move I make. I am worried about my job prospects, I am sad  (and jealous) to see my coworkers dropping off like flies as they get new jobs and move on to new things. Not to mention trying to nurture a fledging relationship in the midst of all the chaos and being deathy afraid I am screwing it all up. For a girl who has lived a lifetime of battling low self esteem this is like standing in the middle of mine field and in one direction it is choices involving my personal life, in the other direction it's choices about my professional life and I don't know which way to step. I am so scared. I can't seem to see the light at the end of the tunnel right now in any part of my life, and that is a very uncomfortble place to be.

Logging the Miles

Went for a walk tonight, it was such a gorgeous night. That was the only good thing about today. Life really sucks right now.

Walking Again

Just checking in as promised...I walked 2.25 miles today and did well on calories. No ice cream either! LOL. But there is a pan of caramel rolls in the freezer just calling my name to be baked. Just say no!!

Walking!!

I was such a good girl today walking at lunch time and also before supper tonight for a total of 4.5 miles. Woohoo! I also made very good choices today for meals, really being aware of the portion sizes. Day two of my May goals successful! You go girl!

Spring Cleaning!!!!

Spring cleaning! Goodbye fat clothes forever! My closet is minus the following: 14 pairs of capris, 1 skort, 1 skirt, 2 dresses, 50+ shirts (yes I said 50!), 3 pairs of pajamas, 2 lounge pants and 20 pair of baggy underwear...how wonderfully freeing!!!!! (And there's still more to go!) Now what in the world am I going to wear this summer? I predict a shopping spree!

But don't worry I saved back a few pieces for posterity sake including:

• Size 30 Jeans
• 3X Red Shirt
• 3X Grey Sweatshirt
• Size 28 Black Capris
• Size 13 Underwear

I have "before" pictures with me wearing each of the things listed above. So I set them aside in a box and marked them my Fat Clothes Time Capsule. Let's leave that box closed for 100 years, LOL.

P.S. I went for a 2 mile walk today. It was so freakin windy I got in a heavy duty workout just trying to stay on the ground.

It's Official...My First Net Gain

Well, it comes as no surprise to me that during the month of April I had a net gain for the first time since July 2009 and the start of my weight loss journey. It was just one little pound of a net gain for the month from 198 to 199, but it is still a gain. I know exactly how it happened...several pints of Blue Bunny Bunny Tracks ice cream, dozens of snack size chocolates from the office candy jar and an all out disregard for the types of foods I ate throughout the month. It can also be attributed to a lack of regular exercise. Add that on top of the stress of being laid off at my job and the nervousness of starting a romantic relationship. I can honestly say that weight loss took a back seat this month. But you know what? I'm OK with it. If there was ever a month that I "deserved" a little break from reality this was it. But now I have some work to do!

Yesterday I found 3 pairs of capri pants at the local thrift store and they fit but just are just a smidge too tight. So my goal is to make them fit more comfortably this month. I love the fresh, clean slate of a new month so for May it's time to set some goals!

1. No more ice cream, chocolate, etc. It's a bad habit that needs to be broken. Stop eating your feelings!
2. Walk/exercise EVERY day this month rain or shine, shooting for a goal of 60 miles for the month. I will keep track of miles logged each day.
3. Think about your food choices, only eat things that fuel your body! Get back to basics.

So let's forget about April and concentrate on May. Here's to a new start again!

I've Been Eating My Feelings and a Progress Pic

Well, there hasn't been much progress, but I still thought I better post a monthly progress pic for April. Here I am at 198. I have bouncing all around the scale this month and I know exactly why. It's been a tough month on lots of fronts and to be honest I have been "eating my feelings" all through April. I also haven't been exercising much and feeling down right sorry for myself. So I better get my act together. I really just hope to stay under 200 and eventually I hope I can get back to losing and working toward my goal of 175. At any rate, here's the progress pic for April for posterity's sake. Boy, do I need to go clothes shopping and find some stuff that actually fits!

Count Your Blessings

I had a very profound experience tonight. I was feeling rather sorry for myself, because granted, it's been a tough week. I was contemplating walking to the grocery store for a pint of ice cream. I was rationalizing the ice cream with the walk rather than driving. So I put my tennis shoes on and headed out the door. The farther I walked the better I started feeling. At a corner, I met a woman who was walking home from the grocery store with her bags. She had a very noticeable limp. I smiled at her and said hello. Then she said to me "I sure wish I could walk like you." I was dumbstruck. I said yes, it certainly is a blessing. And she wished me a good night, and I said the same. I wasn't two steps past her when I absolutely burst into tears and proceeded to cry for another half mile. I asked God to forgive me for my recent complaining and woe is me attitude. I kept walking and never did go get that pint of ice cream. I feel so terribly selfish for my recent pity party. I am so blessed and I need to take this bump in the road as a small and temporary inconvenience. God bless that woman with her groceries. I thank God for giving me some perspective tonight.

Thanks for the Advice!

Thanks for all the kind words of encouragement and advice ladies! You all rock! I know I will survive this and I just have to believe that I will make the right decisions for my life--both personal and professional. I tried to get out of my pity party mood and I went for a nice walk tonight--but the bad part was a walked to Taco John's, LOL. But I guess if I was going to have tacos for supper at least I worked off a few calories to get them. And in full disclosure, I ate a pint of ice cream over the weekend. Yeah, I'd say I still have issues with emotional eating. Better put the kybosh on that. The scale says 197, so it hasn't moved much lately. Down a pound for the month. But I would say this has been an extrordinary month. Still time left to work on things though.

Major Life Changes

Well, this week has been an unbelievable shock. Facing major funding cuts, my employer announced a drastic reorganization plan this week. I knew there were cuts coming, but I had no idea the extent of the changes. So on Tuesday of this week I was given a letter stating that my job no longer existed (read...your fired). The reorganization will close dozens of offices across the state and we will now be creating seven regional centers. If I want a job I have to re-apply for it with no guarantees of getting hired. And oh by the way, the closest regional centers are 100 miles away from where I live. There have been lots of tears, anger and worry. If (and that's a big IF) I get rehired will I have to move? Will I commute? Is that even feasible? Should I look for something else? I'm polishing up my resume and trying to come up with answers.

Of course those of you who read my blog know that my life has just started to get interesting with Hottie in a Uniform. Now with these impending job changes it has thrown a monkey wrench in all of that. Life is so unfair. I need to pay the bills, so staying gainfully employed is a priority, but for the first time in my life I want to make my personal life a priority. What in the world will I do. It is so unfair. Two months ago I would have said, just give me a job wherever and I will move. But now, because of Josh and I want to stay here and find out if we have a future. Oh I wish I had a crystal ball. Our relationship is too new to ask those kind of life changing questions. But I have hope that maybe we have a good thing going and that could change my life in such a different direction.

Of course when you are handed a shock like that, it's easy to "eat your feelings" so exercise and eating right have been far down the priority list. Right now it's all about survival. Sometimes that means having a brownie sundae for supper. It has been a terribly emotional week, as I worry not only about myself but all of my friends and co-workers who are also trying to pick up the pieces from this week's shocking news. It's been a rough week and I am afraid there are many trying days ahead.

Holding Pattern

Where have I been? Wow, it seems like I really took a break from blogging for a while. Guess that's cause there isn't really much to report. Things in life seem to be ever so average right now. Scale is mostly steady with just a little fluctuation between 198-196. I think I am just sort of content to sort of sit still for a while, and my eating and exercise habits are showing it. Things with Hottie in a Uniform are also slow but steady. I feel like everything is just stalled--not good or bad, just in a holding pattern. We did have dinner together on Friday night and that was so nice. I'm out of town a few days this week and then maybe we can get together again at the end of the week...I hope! :)

Quality Over Quantity

I have noticed lately that my eating habits have changed so much. I am beginning to choose so many new and different foods. Today I was too lazy to pack my lunch--hey it's Friday I needed a break. So that means I had to go seek out lunch in the tiny town I work in--very few choices to pick from and even fewer that are healthy. So at the gas station, my choices were pizza, cheeseburgers, polish sausage or a cold sandwich from the refrigerator case. I bypassed the coronary-inducing choices of my past and headed for the ham and turkey on marble rye. Me eating marble rye? Wow, that's something this white bread eating girl wouldn't have chosen in a previous life. But today I find myself looking for foods that are extremely tasty. Because I know that it's not about volume, rather it is about eating good food that satisfies me. What a difference from the past 3 decades of my life when food was not about enjoyment, but rather it was how fast I could consume it and then go searching for something else to inhale.

Oddly enough, I have been slowly introducing a little bit of bread back into my diet. I guess I just missed it. Some days I can tolerate it, other days, not so much. I am eating extremely slowly which helps. I can usually handle about one slice, so often I will deconstruct my sandwich and eat the middle. I am holding pretty steady on the scale, a slight increase this morning back to 197 after holding at 196 for a few days. Still quite acceptable.

New Number!

So happy to see 196 on the scale this morning. I am definitely better at losing at the beginning of the month and then I usually get stuck in the middle and panic at the end that I haven't lost, or that I fluctuated. Must have helped to be sick and not really feel like eating much. I am also so happy the weather is finally getting decent outside. I have been trying to walk whenever the temperatures permit it. It just feels so good to get fresh air in my lungs. I am just 11 pounds from being simply overweight, how awesome is that! Gotta keep trying to get those pounds to disappear. So glad spring is here, it just seems so much more hopeful and doable--different foods, more opportunities for outdoor activities and more sunshine/daylight to get it all done it. Awesome!

Oh Phooey!

Well, date night got canceled last night. That's the breaks of dating someone in law enforcement I guess. He ended up wrestling with a guy and even tore his uniform. So so much for our night out. I suggested he wrestle with me instead, LOL. Anyway, I am sure he will find a way to make it up to me. In other crappy news I am catching a cold or bronchitis. Last night I had a fever and woke up several times sweating so bad the sheets were damp. My voice is all squeaky this morning almost to the point of laryngitis. So that doesn't make me very kissably attractive to a potential date, LOL. So not my best weekend. So the plan for today is lots of soothing liquids and rest. On a positive spin, the lovely scale finally gave me back the 197 I had seen a few weeks ago! Yippee!

Thankful Thursday

Here's a feel good report for the day...I was up early and decided to use up some of my waiting time before work to go for a nice walk this morning. It was a little crisp, but it was wonderful to hear the birds singing and to fill my lungs with fresh air. I walked about 1 1/2 miles and it made such a great start to my day.

Second good report for the day is that tomorrow is date night! I am making dinner for hottie in a uniform and I. He's on call, so I hope we don't get interrupted, but I am so looking forward to spending some time with him again. He has been crazy busy for about two weeks and it has taken all my patience to wait be able to go out with him again. Yippee!

Third bit of goodness for today is that the scale was down another pound this morning to 198. I love quick scale turn arounds! I think it kind of owed me, because I had seen 197 at one point this month and then it jumped back up 3-4 pounds--there was no way those were actual pounds, so I think I am getting rid of some water weight. I will take it! So there's my thankful report for Thursday...what's good in your life right now?

One Down...24 to Go

Woohoo, I've seen onederland...again. I saw it some time ago and then some and then I don't know where the heck it went to for a while. This morning it was back again as the scale finally gave me 199 instead of the 200 it had given me for a whole week. So for my 25 pound mini goal, I am down one pound! Just 24 to go. Isn't it nice to work on a small little goal. Just what I needed to bolster my spirits. I have been going good on my mini goals too, tracking my food again, exercised both Monday and Tuesday and have been drinking water. The mental part still needs some work and with the exception of a few Tic-Tac mints I haven't snacked. They don't really count, do they? LOL. At less than 2 calories per mint I figured they don't really add up to much.

Flipping Things Upside Down

Did good at my goals again today and watching the first few minutes of The Biggest Loser tonight got me thinking about refocusing my efforts. So I think that I am gonna flip things around a bit. Up until now my ticker on my blog has been counting down from my high weight, but I think it's time to start counting down to my first goal weight of 175. So I am adding a new ticker to work specifically on the next 25 pounds. Hopefully that will give me some new focus and determination to keep working in the next days, weeks and months.

Checking In...TSMWT Goals *Updated

OK, I'm checking in on the goals for this week...track, snack, move, water and think (let's call it TSMWT for short) . I tracked my calories for the day, and wow, I really did need to do that again. I thought I was doing pretty good today and it turns out that if I stick to my 1200 calorie diet I only have about 275 calories left for the day. I did treat myself to a convenience store cappuccino today because I was so freakin chilled and that stole about 220 calories for the day. Good example of how easily you forget how things add up. So I will have to adjust for that. I haven't snacked today, which is good. It helped to be away from the office and the candy jar. I have plans to go to the gym tonight yet, or at the very least I will do my Leslie Sansone DVD at home. Water, I have had five 8 oz. glasses so far, which is good. And my stinkin thinkin is on the mend, and it helps that I am being accountable through my blog. Doing good for day one. Just gotta keep it up. *Update: Did a 2 mile Leslie Sansone walk, had supper and stayed within my calorie goals by 6 calories and the only thing left to do is drink a little more water, but I gotta wait until my supper settles. Good job for day 1 of my "reset"!

I Declare This Pig Out Sunday!

Ok, I declare that today shall be pig out Sunday. I can have whatever I want, I can eat 'til my band hurts and snack all day....but then...tomorrow it is time to start anew. I have been quite the slacker lately and the scale shows it. This is a slippery slope I am not willing to let myself go down, because a few bad habits can mean a huge slip up and I don't want to go there. So I am allowing myself to have the rest of the day to get it out of my system and then Monday morning I am going to behave again. So then, here are some goals for the week:

1. Track your food intake...cause let's be realistic, you've been sneaking in some extra calories here and there and you know it. So you better give yourself some accountability.


2. No snacking this week, just 3 nutritious meals a day...you know you've been going to the candy jar at the office all month, it adds up, even if it is small.


3. Move your body...you didn't go to the gym at all last week, what's up with that? I don't care if you go to the gym or if you walk outside if the weather is nice. Just move your butt.


4. Drink lots of water...recognize when you are thirsty, rather than hungry.


5. Use your head...think hard about are you hungry or are you bored, sad, lonely, tired, etc. I think you've been using food as a bit of a crutch lately and that's a bad habit to get into again. Fix what's flawed in your thinking.

OK, it's as simple as that. Just follow a few rules to get yourself back on track. Let your band do the work it was designed to do and quit sabbotaging yourself. So have fun today, 'cause tomorrow it's back to reality!

Focusing on the Good Stuff

OK, so I am trying to mend my ways and I am trying to think of the positive stuff again. So here's some good stuff for today...a good friend of mine wrote me a message on Facebook responding to a new profile picture I had put up, saying "good lord you are wasting away. you look great. but then i always thought you did!!!!!" Ha ha! Me...wasting away! What a wonderful compliment! She and I went to high school together and I am sure she hasn't seen me this "skinny" ever. She has also struggled with her weight in her lifetime so I am sure she knows both the success and failure of trying to change your life for the better. What an awesome thing for her to say. Great NSV even when the scale doesn't like me--a great reminder that the scale is not the only measure of my success.

I am so surprised when I share comparison pictures with friends and family, that many of them have said, "I never saw you as being that big." Isn't it funny how the ones that love you, truly do love you for who you are not what you look like. They really put on rose colored glasses to your size and love you for who you are. It's only when looking at the new version of me that they see that I am so improved. It's not that they like me any better because I am skinny, instead they are happy that I am becoming a newer, better version of who I always was. That's an awesome thought. Now if I could just get myself to trust that notion more. I still have many self doubts about people liking me. Which leads into my next topic...the hottie in a uniform update.

I know many have been waiting patiently for an update. I have been a little leery about sharing too many details, but just let me say that things are good...and crazy...and wonderful...and awful...and confusing...and hopeful. Could there be more of a roller coaster of emotions lately. OMG, I am such a hormonal teenager! We are moving very slowly and I think it is God's way of teaching me some important lessons in patience, self control, obedience, and understanding that things happen in His timing, not mine. It is so important for me to enjoy the journey and try not to over think things. Slow is good...oh so good. And if I am patient enough it will only get sweeter all the time. :)

Gaining Perspective

Ok, so the scale and I are having a little battle, but I am determined not to let it get me off track. It actually read 201 this morning...even worse than before! Sometimes you just gotta laugh it off.

Today I learned about the death of a former classmate and co-worker. She was 39 and died after a courageous battle with melanoma. She leaves behind a wonderful family including two little boys under the age of 5. Gives you some perspective about those little scale fluctuations doesn't it? Life is so precious, I can't afford to squander any moments on things that don't really matter in the end. Heaven has a new angel tonight named Becky. God bless all tonight, and I pray that we can all focus on the things that are most important in our lives, not the trivial things that trip us up.

Needed a Pick Me Up...Progress Picture

Ok, I found my last post to be a little depressing and full of bellyaching, so I decided I needed a little visual proof again of my transformation. Quit bitchin' over a few pounds--they won't last and you know it! So since I love a good comparison picture and I know that you, my blog readers do too...here's a beginning to now side-by-side picture. I REALLY HAVE CHANGED. Believe that sentence...let me say it again. YOU ARE NOT THE SAME PERSON YOU WERE. See and believe the changes that have happened to you. Buck up, those 3 pounds will disappear, if not today then soon. So here's the comparison.

Ugh...The Fluctuations!

Well, TOM is supposed to show up some time this week--maybe--I never know when it might show up, another by-product of my previous life as a fat lady, unpredictable periods. I am thinking TOM is to blame for me seeing 200 on the scale the past few mornings. Ugh! Now I try to fight again for onederland and to grasp the 197 I had actually seen a week ago. Oh my, what a downer.

March Progress Picture

Well, the changes come a little slower now, but I can still see improvements every time I take a new progress picture. Sometimes it's hard to believe it really is me. I feel skinnier all the time. Still got work to do, but I am so proud of the progress I have made. My butt still looks a little big. I wonder if I will continue to lose that or if I will keep some junk in my trunk.

As of this morning my total weight loss is 106 pounds. Is that crazy or what? In fact today, I also hit 80 pounds of weight lost since my surgery day of 277. Sometimes I look at a picture or my reflection in the mirror and I wonder who the heck that is looking back at me, LOL.

Quick Post...New Number!

I love it when the scale cooperates. The scale gave me 197 this morning. Woohoo! I feel like I am in the green zone again all the sudden. I thought I had lost it, but now it seems to be back. I don't begin to understand how that happens. I must have scared my band by threatening it by scheduling a fill appointment. Can't wait for date night tonight!

Spring's Around the Corner!

I was so happy to walk to the gym tonight! It was just a little cool, but not bad. I was just so pleased to be out in the fresh air. It's about a mile round trip so I just used my walk as part of my hour long workout time. So nice! I am really looking forward to better weather and the opportunity to go walking for exercise. Then I may put my gym membership on hold for a while.
In other news, tomorrow is date night again! Josh and I are making homemade pizza at my house. How fun is that? I also made some brownies for dessert and we will probably watch a movie or just talk. It just makes me so happy! Scale is holding steady at 198, but I think it may move soon as I have really been behaving myself with good food choices and a decent amount of exercise. Maybe tomorrow. Life is good.

Scale Keeps Moving

Slowly but surely, the scale continues to move down. This morning I was pleased to see 198! It's pretty slow weight loss lately, but at least it is still going down. That is 3 pounds for the month and I am so pleased to be getting further away from 200. The other day I had a conversation with one of my sisters and was so surprised to hear that I only weighed 17 pounds more than she did. I have never been close to her weight, ever. I even teased that one day I would weigh less than she would. That would be awesome. Still can't believe that I have made the progress I have. I need to keep working toward my next goals. Slow and steady! (That also applies to hottie in a uniform...things are slow but good.)

Ice Storm Wreaks Havoc With Date Night

Well, I was already tired of winter, but this is ridiculous. The weather here was windy and cold all day, which was crappy but tolerable. Then all the sudden at 3:00 PM the rain/sleet starts, and the 50 mile an hour wind gusts didn't help much either. So guess what, Mother Nature made an icy mess of the roads and there were semi's jackknifed, cars in the ditch and my law enforcement hottie had to go to work. :(

So date night was cancelled. But I suppose if I have intentions of dating someone in law enforcement I had better get used to moments like this happening. I like to think it's God's way of teaching me a little patience and understanding. Anyway, I am hoping that we talk today and come up with plan B and perhaps date night will happen tonight instead. I will have to see how the day unfolds, it's early yet and I would guess he's still sleeping after a late night. Patience dear, all will work out!

Can't Wait for Friday!

Well, my Smack Ass 2.0 jeans are in the wash as we speak and I am trying to decide what to wear for tomorrow for date night! Eeeek! What a wonderful feeling. I am so excited. In other news the scale is moving back and forth between 199 and 200, but I can live with that. It always takes a while for things to really stick. I have been crazy tight lately, which is odd. It seems as though as soon as I made an appointment for a fill at the end of the month my band decided to shape up again. So now I am so uncertain about needing a fill. Guess I will see what the month brings and decide as the date gets closer.

So here's the next thing, I don't think Josh knows I have had weight loss surgery and I am a little nervous about telling him. But when you have dinner dates, sometimes your "odd" eating behaviors kinda stick out like a sore thumb. So I do plan on telling him my story but I am a little freaked about telling him just how much weight I have really lost. Which is weird 'cause I have pretty much shared it with a million other people, but to tell him makes me a little nervous. Will he judge me for being so fat? Will he think it's great that I have made that kind of progress? Will he be afraid that I will be fat again. Yeah, all these dumb things running through my head. I know this is all irrational thought, but sometimes it's hard to turn off that negative nelly attitude. Guess I will just feel things out tomorrow and see what all I choose to share. I don't have to spill all my secrets in one night. Can't wait for tomorrow!

Date Night on Friday Night!!!!!!!!!

Woohoo! I have a date on Friday night! I am so freakin' excited tonight I can hardly stand it...me...on a second date with hottie in a uniform. Somebody pinch me, is this really my life? I cannot believe this. I don't have any idea where this little experiment might end up, but I am just so glad to say that I am no longer sitting on the sidelines in my life. A little over a year ago I had really hit rock bottom, I gave up on ever finding love and found myself smack dab in the middle of a bout with clinical depression. A year later with the help of some therapy, happy meds and losing 100 pounds I am actually starting to live the life I hoped and dreamed of. OMG, I am so hopeful and excited! I have a date!!!!

Wonderful...Onederful Day

What a great day...I started off with seeing onederland on the scale, which was a great way to start the day. Then once I was at work I saw my favorite law enforcement officer. :) He stopped by to see me right away in the morning and then we flirted in the hallway later in the afternoon and then finally we talked for a hour later in the afternoon--needless to say I didn't get much work done today! Sigh...I was standing so close to him I thought I might self-combust! We are making slow but steady progress and it feels so nice. :) Life is good. Hope it stays like that!

Onederland!!!!!

It was very much like seeing the Yeti or Sasquatch, hard to believe it really exists, but ladies and gentleman here it is, photographic proof of Onederland! I am not sure it will stick right away, but darn it, it's mine! Wow! I did it! So to celebrate today, I am wearing my Smack Ass 2.0 jeans to work--we usually only wear jeans on Friday, but dammit, this is a special occasion. LOL.

I haven't been in the 100's since I was a teenager, I would guess I was about 16 as I remember lying on my first driver's license because I didn't want to put down 200 on the application. So I fibbed just enough that the license examiner or a cop wouldn't know the difference. I still have more milestones to reach, but this is an awesome one.

Next stop are a couple of goals. At 185 I will be at a BMI number that is simply "overweight" and out of obesity. The second goal I set for myself at the beginning of my weight loss journey was to weigh 175 pounds--a weight I pulled out of the air, but something that seemed very normal and average. After that, who knows, perhaps I will be ready for a maintenance weight. Yippee for me!!!!

Get Your Toe Nails Ready

I was a good girl tonight and went to the gym. I feel like I was on target with my calories today too. The scale said 200 this morning, and this may be TMI, but I had a great BM today (hahaha--you banders know how fickle those can be sometimes). So perhaps the scale will be kind tomorrow and provide me with a picture worthy 199. I even painted my toe nails in preparation for this momentous occasion. Now I wait...oh my I hate having to wait. Patience is something I possess very little of.

The Depths of Me

This weekend I realized that I am really struggling with the limbo of being "new" in some respects, but still having the old messages running in my head. I am insecure and neurotic. I worry about so many things. I still have a lot of doubt about the fact that a guy could like me. I spent the whole weekend wondering, worrying, over analyzing and in the end it was all for nothing--Josh texted me and we chatted for about 25 minutes. It was sweet and flirty and wonderful, but it didn't happen until 9:45 on Sunday night. In the mean time I spent Friday night, Saturday and most of Sunday assuming the worst..."he doesn't like me, I said something wrong in my last text, I'm not lovable, I'm broken"... fill in the blank with any self-defeating attitude you can think of here. I know I need to change that broken record in my head, I just didn't realize how much it was truly affecting me.

But here's what I know...I am better than I was, but I also realize that those old feelings are still there. I am better about trying to quash them, but there are times when it is so hard. What a roller coaster ride. The more positive feedback I get from Josh, the better things are, but in the meantime I am so uncertain. I keep trying to tell myself that this is perfectly normal. Please let me learn to enjoy the moment, to stop being so neurotic and to just keep trying to be the best version of myself. I am worth it. Just keep saying it...I am worth it.

New Number...Getting So Close!

Saw 200 on the scale this morning! Yippee! I am bound to see onederland within the next week or two! (Don't want to jinx it though.) Weight loss has been pretty slow and fickle lately. So every pound is taking a lot of energy. I suppose I have been slightly distracted lately, LOL. So in other news...things are slow but nice. Just getting to know each other. I am trying to be as patient as I can be. It's hard to know when to push forward and when to pull back a little bit, what a crazy little dance. I am just trying to enjoy this and not misinterpret the signals--both good and bad. One of my worst traits is thinking too much and over analyzing every little thing. I am trying to break myself of that habit. Anyway, things are perfectly nice right now. :)

Maybe = YES!

I am having an awesome week. Remember when I wondered what "maybe" meant at the end of my date? I sooooo think that "maybe" means YES! I am out of town on business for a few days and today out of the blue during my meeting this morning Josh texted me! Awwww! :) He asked "How's your day. I hope well!" Yes, with the exclamation point. We texted back and forth a bit and then also had another text conversation later in the day, cute, funny, flirty stuff. OMG, I am on cloud nine. No one can wipe the smile off my face right now. I am having so much fun with this, I just want to soak it all in, every wonderful moment of this new time in my life. I am so hopeful.

Let's Talk About Weight Loss

Well, it's hard to concentrate on anything else right now, but let's actually talk about weight loss, ha ha. The scale was nice enough to give me a 201 this morning, hope it sticks! I just got home from the gym. Had a great sweaty workout. I was the only one at the gym. It's funny how when there are other people there I have a tendency to work harder. When I am alone there is no one there for accountability except me. So many times on the ellipticals I had to keep telling myself to keep going, even when I wanted to quit early. But I stuck with it and did 30 minutes on the ellipticals, 10 minutes on the recumbent bike and 20 minutes of free weights and circuit training. Whew! I'm tired now. Well, tomorrow is the end of the month and I hope that I can mark a loss down on on the old ledger. It's been a tough month for weight loss, I will take a pound as long as I can claim a loss. Onederland is so close and yet so far away. Just gotta kick it in gear.

Date Night Report

Hey ladies, thanks so much for all the wonderful comments and positive thoughts. Date night was wonderful. I am still smiling and I keep running through every moment in my head this morning. (I may have also had some unpure thoughts about him too, LOL) We laughed and had fun, and were really at ease with one another. It just felt so nice and comfortable.

We met at his place and drove to the little town to meet up with the other couple. We were also joined by some friends of theirs. So all together there were 6 of us. We laughed and teased and I even managed to steal a little touch of my hand to his back during dinner. Being so close to him in the car was almost torture. Close enough that our arms touched a little and he smelled so good. Mmmmm, I love his cologne. I saw a really sweet, caring side to him last night and it just makes me want to get to know him better. For the first time he really seemed at ease talking about himself and sharing some details about who he is.

So we drove back to his place, and we called it a night. I said I had a great time and hoped we could do something again soon. He gave me a sly little smile and a mischevious little "maybe". Ok, so that's the only thing that I am unsure about...maybe...what exactly does that mean? But the way he said it makes me think that it is a good possibility. Slow is good here I think. I can't wait to see him on Monday morning. So nice. :)

Let the Primping Commence...

Well date day is here! I am having a good hair day, which is awesome. The scale is down a pound to 202. My Smack Ass Jeans 2.0 are in the wash and I am doing my best not to completely freak out. I talked to Josh on the phone for about an hour last night, and I am trying my best not to completely over analyze everything we said. I am hoping to find a Zen place today where all is calm and I don't come unglued. So one of my things lately is to "give the universe all your heart's desires." (Thanks to Kelly at http://findingmywayatlast.blogspot.com/ for that little bit of wonderfulness.) So universe, here are my heart's desires for today:

• Let me be calm.


• Let me have fun.


• Let me show Josh the best version of myself.


• Let me say the right things.


• Let this be an opportunity for more.

I Have a Date on Saturday Night!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OMG, I don't have enough exclamation points to put on this page!!!!!!!!!!!!! Hottie in a uniform, let me introduce you to him, his real name is Josh, invited me out to dinner on Saturday night! The adrenalin is still running so high in my body that I have have been shaking like a leaf for over an hour.

It was so sweet, I was sitting in the break room and he came down the steps from third floor and motioned to me to come here. And I did the comical "who me?" and turned around to look if anyone was behind me. He said, "yeah you". Then I walked out in the hallway and he said "I have a silly question for you, are you doing anything tomorrow night." Eeeeeekkkkk!!!!!!!!!! So we made plans to do a little double date with one of his co-workers and his wife. We are going to drive to a place about 30 miles from here to a little small town restaurant. Oh my! I have been hoping, praying, wishing...but I just didn't think that it would ever really happen. I am absolutely on cloud nine.

It took me 38 years, but I finally got my first official date invitation from a guy. Like a true, I'm interested let's get to know each other bona fide offer. I got a hug from a co-worker and and I nearly started crying. I had to hold it together. I am so freaking happy right now I think my heart is going to burst right out of my chest. I am strangely calm and nervous all at the same time. How will I ever make it to tomorrow night. I am so psyched right now.

Thanks ladies for all the encouragement and positive thoughts you have sent my way. I am so blessed.

Just Home from the Gym

I have been trying to really behave this week and buckle down. I just got home from another great workout at the gym. Been there 3 days in a row now. I told myself earlier in the week to try to get there at least 4 times this week.

I called my surgeon's office today to get a fill. I am thinking it is time to tweak things a little. I am getting hungry between meals again and that leads to poor choices, too many calories and stalled out weight loss. Unfortunately, between my schedule and theirs I can't get in for an appointment for about a month. They said I could call and check for cancellations, but it's not like I am just around the corner and can drop in. The one way drive is about 300 miles, so I guess I will just have to live on will power until the end of March.

Scale still reads 203 today, I will be lucky if I see a loss this month and I am praying that I don't see a gain. Guess I have about 4 days until the official weigh in for the month. We will see what happens. Otherwise, life is pretty good. Still working on hottie in a uniform. We had a nice talk today, about 45 minutes. Yippee!

Skinnier Than I Was in High School

It takes a long while for my brain to catch up to the outside me. I was looking through some old photos and realized that I am actually at my smallest adult size so far in my life--and it will only get better! Here is a comparison picture of one of my senior pictures from high school, my high of over 300 and one taken a few weeks ago. I actually think I look younger at 38 rather than the 17 years I was back then. I like the newest version of me, let's call it Cheryl 2.0.

Looking at these old photos has had a mixed effect on my brain. Part of me wants to go back and tell that girl to lead a better life, to change things and that anything is possible in life. Part of me is sad, looking at a girl that was not living up to her potential and deep down inside really didn't like who she was. Part of me is proud of the new me and it energizes me to keep moving on in the right direction. Some days I am so confused though, even though I know that I am smaller now than I was in high school I still feel so big and flabby. What a confusing place to be. I think it is just constantly coming to terms with the new body--a body that will always show the "scars" of being obese. I will never have a body like a Victoria's secret model, but I also won't have a 300 pound unhealthy body either, God willing. As I look at old pictures I truly see for the first time how big I really was. I know I had on rose colored glasses for a good portion of the last two decades. Fat was fat in my mind whether that was in the lower 200's or the lower 300's but oh my what a difference.

I like the new, ever changing me and I want to get to know her better. She is getting more confident by the day, and more emotionally strong and I like that. I think she's even getting prettier and her true beauty both inside and out is finally starting to emerge from a mask of fat and low self esteem. Lapband surgery saved my life in so many ways. I honestly think the change in my emotional health has been a bigger benefit than the change in my physical health. I know it is all wrapped up into one big complicated ball, but for every pound I lose, I gain so much more. Thank God for this blessing in my life.

Me, Myself and I

Self: OK Me, lets push the reset button here. You know exactly the wrong behaviors you have been using in the month of February, in case you missed it, here's a list:

1. Fudging your portion sizes. Yeah, you know what I am talking about. I've seen you using large plates rather than the smaller bowls and salad plates that are much better for correct portion control.
2. Eating too fast, which means you are not listening to the "full" signals your stomach is sending you.
3. Snacking between meals. Do you realize how many calories you are really adding to your day. Yeah, yeah, you tell yourself it's just one cookie or one piece of chocolate. But by the time you are done you have added an extra 100-200 calories per day.
4. How many times did you go to the gym this month? Maybe once a week? Twice if you were lucky? Quit making excuses about the cold, the weather, your free time, whatever.
5. Giving in to temptations. Yeah, you heard me. I saw you eat that pint of ice cream and those nachos this weekend. What happened to the good stuff that is supposed to be in your fridge, like cottage cheese, fresh fruit or lean turkey? Haven't seen those in a while have we?

Self: See, you know exactly where you were failing this month.

Me: OK, I know! Get off my back would ya. Can't a guy take a little break once in a while?

Self: Sure you can, but then the scale won't move, is that what you want?

Me: No, I'd really like to see Onderland and beyond.

Self: Well then, I suppose you better work on achieving that goal.

Me: OK, I hear ya, cut me some slack would ya.

Self: So what are you gonna do?

Me: Well, I suppose I could track my food for a while, just to get a grip on the calories I am really consuming. And I suppose I could use my will power to avoid the chocolate and the cookies. Or better yet, I will allow myself to have one, as long as I account for it in my calorie count for the day. And I guess I could commit to going to the gym at least 4 times this week.

Self: You guess?

Me: OK, I WILL commit to going 4 times this week. And I will concentrate on my eating and chew slowly. Is that good enough?

Self: Sounds like a good start. Hey by the way, I really am proud of your progress, and I just want you to keep succeeding. This tough love is just my way of showing you I care.

Me: Yeah, I know. Thanks for the encouragement. I am going to really try to start again today with a new clean slate.

Self: Love ya, man.

Me: I love you too.

Up and Down, Up and Down

Can you imagine the scale said 203 again this morning? Oh my, the roller coaster ride continues. I don't suppose TOM being here right now helps anything--must be why I ate 2 servings of Bunny Tracks ice cream this afternoon, fudge and caramel swirls and chocolate covered peanut butter bunnies, mmm. I am sort of hoping for February to be done so I can start March with a clean slate. That gives me a week to clean up my act. I know what to do, now I just need to do it. I think every once in a while you just need a mental break from following the rules to a T. Then you reset your thinking and life goes on. I think I may be ready for a fill too, it's been about 3 months and I think a little tweak probably wouldn't hurt. At my last fill in late November I think I was at 217, so in three months I have lost 14 being at today's 203, so that really is quite respectable. It's just been so erratic, it feels like less. I need to keep things in perspective and re-focus on getting to Onederland. So close and yet so far!

One Year Comparison Picture

I'm bored at home tonight, so I was reading my blog from a year ago. I was about 60 pounds heavier, wearing size 24 jeans and getting used to life with a lapband. Here's a comparison picture from February 2010 to February 2011. Now's it's size 16 jeans and creeping up on onederland. The picture doesn't exactly show the real difference, except in my face, but trust me there is a huge difference here both physically and emotionally.

Saturday Musings

Well, the scale still reads 202. I am not surprised that the scale is pretty slow right now. I have been hitting the chocolate and Girl Scout cookies pretty hard this last week. Not to mention last night, I had drinks and dinner with friends from work for a few extra calories. But life goes on.

I am still working on the 'hottie in a uniform" project...the plan for phase two is to play a little hard to get. He knows my intentions now, and I don't want to scare him off. So we will see where that takes us this week. This is so complicated and crazy and fun. Lots of ups and downs this week. I am trying to be more positive about things. I think I have a tendency to expect the worst and take the negative side of things especially when it comes to potential relationships. Having thoughts like "I will NEVER meet someone" or "I will ALWAYS be alone." I have a tendency to not believe that I have the ability to be in a relationship, because my history up until this point has been that I was the lonely, fat girl. I am trying to change that and make the insides and the outsides match. I am a constant work in progress!

Update...Hottie in a Uniform

Eeeek! My wish came true! Hottie in a uniform came to my office and talked to me! He said his co-workers teased him that the candy fairy came to visit again. I asked him if it was OK that the candy fairy kept coming, he said yes! OMG, I am on cloud nine again. (P.S. That cologne is going to drive me crazy!) I have such a wonderful warm fuzzy feeling right now. Somebody pinch me...sigh.

Hottie in a Uniform...Part Two

OK, so I did something so totally unlike me again today. I left a cute little pink note #2 for hottie in a uniform at work along with some Hershey's Kisses. This one said...

Just in case you didn't get any from cupid yesterday. (And much safer than a cupcake from your kitchen.) :)

The cupcake comment is in reference to a conversation we had the day before when he wished me Happy Valentine's Day. So now it sits on his desk just waiting for him. I figure either way I would get a reaction...either negatively or positively. The old me would have never dared to leave secret little notes for a crush. OK, I am putting it out to the universe...I want to find love in my life and that means I have to get a little out of my comfort zone once in a while.

So the scenarios running through my head are:

1. He completely ignores it and never mentions it again, sending me a big non-verbal signal to move on.
2. He thinks it's sweet and comes to talk to me about it.
3. He thinks I am a stalker and brings his handcuffs to take me away.

I am hoping for #2, but #3 wouldn't be so bad either, haha. Oh my dear lapband friends could you please send all your good thoughts my way for #2 to happen. Keep your fingers crossed.

Valentine's Day Stinks

It's hard not to be bitter and jaded on a day like today. A whole day devoted to lover's and couples. Yuk! (Read...I'm ridiculously jealous). When will I get my turn? Everywhere I look...TV, radio, work, Facebook, blogs, etc. everyone is talking about Valentine's Day. Is there a phrase like "bah humbug" that could be used on a day like today?

There is nothing worse than seeing happy people. I know I should be joyful for them and happy that they have found love. But wow, I have got a great big case of the green eyed monster of envy today. Being single on Valentine's day makes me feel broken, like there is something terribly wrong with me. I guess the only good part of the day is that since I won't be getting a heart shaped box of chocolates from my love today, I won't have to worry about the weight gain.

OK, girls I have to write a tiny little update here...just when I thought that I hated Valentine's Day...the hottie in a uniform at work told me Happy Valentine's Day today...sigh. :) Now to figure out does that mean something? Am I reading too much into our little interactions in the hallway? At any rate it was sweet and made me smile.

Cure for Baggy Butt...Size 16's!

Well, I went shopping yesterday and bought some new jeans. I fit snugly into a size 16! As usual, I went to the plus size section of the store and then realized that there were no sizes there for me! Woohoo! I can't believe it, I truly am in the regular size section of the store. I also picked up the new sweater I am wearing and two other shirts, all size XL (16/18). I am a little lumpy, with a slight muffin top, but I know that the jeans will fit better every week, so it's better to buy them slightly tight. Plus they have spandex, so they will get roomy throughout the day as I wear them.

Scale says 202 today, which I can live with. It's been up and down this month as my eating habits have been a little off kilter. Hopefully I can get that in check and keep seeing some progress soon. Yippee for 16's!

Another Picture Today...OMG!

I was taking a picture of my baggy jeans...see the previous post for that one. I also took a side shot and damn, I guess I hadn't really looked at one of these in a while, so I put it up against my pre-surgery picture. OMG! It's funny how you don't realize how terribly fat you are until you see what you can be like skinny--and I still have work to do. By the way how do you like the new blonde me? I decided blondes have more fun! OMG, what a crazy difference. That's a shocker to me, I feel like I have blinders on sometimes and just can't see the changes. WLS patients soooooo need to take photos of their progress at regular intervals, it is so important to the change process that is going on both inside and out!

Smack Ass Turns to Baggy Ass

Sometimes the slow and steady weight loss just sneaks up on you. Today I noticed that my "smack ass" jeans--you know the ones, the size 18's that I was ecstatic about a few months ago 'cause I looked like a million bucks in them? Well, here we are, the jeans are straight out of the dryer this morning and I have a baggy butt. Time for some new jeans! So now I am thinking what size is next? Will it be a 16? Or dare I dream for a 14? These jeans were tight in October, now on to the next one!

Well, last night's colon cleanse was a success, everything is clean as a whistle now. Ha ha! Of course after a night like that, the scale was awesome this morning, giving me 201! But I doubt that will stick around. So we will see what today brings. My band was particularly tight this morning. All I had for breakfast was yogurt and that even hurt the slightest bit going down. Such a fickle thing, my band.

I Wish It Hadn't Come To This...But I Gotta Do It

OK, people this will be a TMI post, so look away now if you are squeamish. Yes, it's the much blogged about topic of constipation. I decided after a few days of misery it was time for a little pharmaceutical help. So I took a short trip to the pharmacy and let's just say I will be staying in tonight as I wait for some "action" in 1/2 to 6 hours...please use as directed. If nothing else, perhaps I can count on a little weight loss if my colon is empty! I try so hard to get enough water during the week, but it seems as if I can't keep up enough to allow for "normal" activity from my colon. Well, wish me luck...I'm off to take care of business.

The Opposite

I am a big Seinfeld fan and there is an episode that just really sticks with me lately. George decides that his life is a mess and that he should try doing the opposite. As Jerry says, "If every instinct you have is wrong, then the opposite would have to be right." See the clip here...http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cKUvKE3bQlY. Anyway, so today I decided to do a little more flirting with office guy. I left a little note for him and piece of chocolate--it was in reference to the earlier conversation we had on Tuesday. It is sooooooo unlike me to be that bold and flirtatious. But like George, I figure the opposite has to be right! I feel like a hormonal teenager! Oh my!

In other band news, I lost 100 pounds...again! Thanks to some scale fluctuations I had had bounced from 202 back up to 204. But today I landed back at 203, so I am back to my 100 pound loss again. Ugh, I need to get that under control and keep the scale moving in the right direction. I know exactly why it hasn't been though, not enough time at the gym this week and a free-for-all eating marathon over the weekend. So no big surprises there. Time to kick it back into gear.

Great Day!

I had a wonderful surprise at the end of my workday today. I have been flirting like crazy with a guy at work and today we had some nice exchanges in the hallway like usual. (I find excuses to go to the store room, the cabinet, etc. just to "casually" run into him. It's the highlight of my day to talk to him. What a psycho I am! LOL). I even talked to a female co-worker of his and asked her to scope things out for me and slyly let him know that I was interested. Well, today at 4:30 PM he came into my office and talked to my secretary and I for half an hour! OMG! I was walking on cloud nine at the end of the day. He has never stopped in our office before--let alone stayed and talked for that long. He's such a sweetie and good looking too! I could smell his cologne as he stood next to me talking. Lord help me, I'm weak in the knees! Please pray...keep your fingers crossed...or just do what you can to send me some positive vibes. I sooooo hope this means something. I am such a rookie when it comes to dating and flirting, I need so much help!

Feburary Progress Picture

It's a little early in the month for a progress picture (I usually do it about mid-month) but I was feeling sassy in the outfit I had on today so I decided to snap a picture. Am I cute or what? LOL. Look at me hands on my hips feeling all sassy. :) My scale is fluctuating a bit since I had two pot luck parties this weekend, so I am not sure if we can call this my 100 pounds lost picture, or my hundred pounds lost with a slight increase of 2 temporary pounds--so it could be 202 or 204 depending on which outlook you want to take.

I like the fact that I am actually getting a bit of a defined waist and my hips are getting slimmer all the time. And I love the fact that my face is minus some double chins. My smile is a thousand times better and my eyes look brighter and more alive. I feel younger too. So much more energy. Little by little I am changing into the person I want to be. As always, there is much work to do, but it will come with patience and perseverance.

Can I Tell You a Secret?

Can I tell you something...this comes from way down deep in my soul and it's something I rarely shared with people in my former life...sigh. We know how much of this journey is emotional as much as physical right? Well, here's the deal. To say the least I guess I would be described as a late bloomer. If you've read previous posts of mine you are aware that I was 38 before I lost my virginity (OMG, I can't believe I share that on a blog!). Anyway, I have waited a long time in my life to find love. As the fat girl since childhood the opportunities just didn't exist. Anyway, lately I have been trying my hardest to change that. It's crazy, painful, exciting, manic, fun, disappointing, exhilarating, hopeful, crushing, soul baring, scary, wonderful, horrible and a thousand other adjectives.

I realize that as some sort of protective mechanism I shut down a whole part of my personality for decades. I convinced myself that being alone was OK, that I wasn't lonely and that I could fill my life with a lot of wonderful things that would be enough. Now I realize that I want so badly to be loved, to be courted, to experience romance and to just know what it feels like for a man to give you his heart. I want this so bad for my life it is painful...I'm crying as I write this. There is such a hole in my heart and as I continue to lose weight and reinvent who I am I realize how much I denied those feelings and now they are suddenly flooding to the top.

So now I find myself so unsure of how to do this. I feel like a gawky teenager. Nervous, unsure, neurotic, scared. I know to reach this goal, to get what I want, I am going to have be brave and confident and sure of myself and it scares the bejeezus out of me. I feel so backward. It is the odd combination of pain and pleasure to pursue love. I know the pain of loneliness and wanting more and right now I have to decide which is the lesser of two evils...the risk and reward of doing nothing, or doing something. I feel like I am having some sort of awakening of my life and these growing pains are so difficult to deal with. Ugh! I am balling like a baby as I write this, guess I needed to purge some thoughts..things I hid from family, friends and the outside world for far too long. I want so much for my life and I need courage to pursue it.

I don't think I realized how much emotional baggage I have been carrying with me for so long. I am having a little crisis of figuring out who I am. I am not who I was...but I don't think I am who I want to be either. I am in limbo...changed for the better, but still not the person I know I can be. This is an odd place to be. So the outside looks different and little by little the inside is trying to catch up with the outside. What an incredible amount of work I have to do yet. Losing 100 pounds may have been the easy part. Now to ditch the 100 pounds of baggage in my head.

Can I Get a Woohoo for 202!

Thank you dear scale for giving me a 202 this morning! Another pound closer to onederland! I hope this losing trend continues. You just never know when the scale will move. Sometimes you think you are doing all the right things and the scale won't budge. Then when you feel like you are cheating a little on calories or not exercising much and then scale will give you a bonus pound. What a freaking mystery. So happy to see a new number! :)

Food Guilt?

Ever have guilt about eating certain foods? Tonight I got done at the gym and decided to stop by Taco John's to pick something up for supper--yes I know that's a little odd work out then eat junk food! I ordered a taco and nachos and the calories added up to 560, not the best nutritionally of course, but I was still in line for the whole day's calories. Why do I feel guilty about eating it? I haven't eaten at TJ's in months, so this really was a treat. Actually I rarely eat out anymore, it's too complicated.

In comparison I used to eat TJ's at least once a week as my fat self, and the most common meal combo I got would equal 1100 calories--that's not that far off from my total calories I allow for the whole day now! So why do I have this little twinge of guilt? Of course now my band is hurting a bit, it's like payback for choosing the wrong thing. Ugh!

The Fat Kid on a Teeter Totter

Today I was talking to a co-worker who asked me if I had met my weight loss milestone of losing 100 pounds. I said yes, which was awesome and told the group that I was getting close to being under 200 pounds too. Then he said the funniest comment, he said "Hey, we can teeter totter now!" It made me laugh, just because it's true, I am slowly getting closer to being normal!

For those of you who were heavy as young people, you know the stigma and shame when you were the fat kid on the teeter totter, and you needed two friends to sit on the other end to make things work. It is so nice to know that little by little I am starting to fit a little bit better into the world. So to all the former fat kids...I hope you find someone to teeter totter with! :)

I Was a Good Girl

I was a good girl tonight and just got home from the gym. Some days it is so hard to get motivated to go. Especially tonight at the snow is falling, the wind is blowing and the wind chill tonight is -32 F. Brrrr! But I went anyway, and I am glad. It takes a lot of stamina to keep going to the gym. It's hard to keep that motivation in your mind. But I have to keep plowing forward toward 199! I have work to do and must keep my eye on the prize.

Lately I have been catching my image in the mirror and thinking, who is that skinny chick? It's weird how all the sudden you just notice a different silhouette. Little by little my shape continues to change and since it is constantly changing it seems as if just when I get used to what I look like, it changes. I can't believe the transformation. So much more to do!